Why Louis Says, "NOT HIM:" Another Fucking Dissertation on Power and Misery and Being a Kitsune, and at the End, David
Context:
I don't know I'm thinking about Louis reclaiming his own kitsune-ness with the makeup, while also fully believing that being a kitsune is a miserable existence that he would never wish on anyone else. Like he's (sort of) made his peace with himself being a kitsune—it's not something he can ever change (or something he ever really succeeded at changing in the college) therefore he should embrace it—but he never wants to turn anyone into a kitsune (again...), because the misery isn't worth the power that comes with it.
A kitsune's power is power over death, and it is (traditionally) earned through a death and through abandoning your old life as whatever you were before, for this new life as a kitsune.
And yeah, although it's never been explained to Louis or the kitsunes (because they don't have access to the Lore) I bet they are fully aware of their burden to Love so strongly it tears them apart, and to Love to the point of insanity, and to never Love like any normal magical person for the rest of their eternal miserable lives.
Also, like, the racism, you know how it is-
I'm thinking about how the conversation goes with Jasmine about her plan to die. I wonder who really suggested stealing the kitsune fruit.
Was it Jasmine, who has an outsider's perspective and views becoming a kitsune as an insane superpower and the greatest fuck you to heaven she can think of (and she's right)?
Or, was it Louis, who knows all too well how it is to be a kitsune and knows the world of pain that awaits Jasmine after she dies and returns (if there's even a world to return to after her death), AND YET, understands the arguably better life it would give her?
Louis thinks about misery, and how Jasmine has been practically dead all this time, living in a body incompatible to her soul, sustained through drugs, and a constant reminder of the mother she's lost. (And, of course Louis thinks like this; he's only ever really confronted death through Matt, who to Louis and all the kitsunes always wore the same face of the same dead person, aka. himself. Death is terrifying.) He thinks about how the misery of being a kitsune may in some ways be preferrable to Jasmine's current state, how her death and subsequent resurrection may finally be an Out from what she's gone through everyday of her life.
And Jasmine thinks about power won through sacrifice because she is miserable now and rotting and dead, but that misery is born of Love for her mother. She doesn't want to abandon her life (abandon/sacrifice/let go of her mother), but she knows that if she does, she'll help and save so many people in the process. And yeah, maybe she does think that being a kitsune is beautiful and makes you powerful, and maybe she sees that in Louis who loves so hard and so much and works himself into the ground because he is a kitsune, but most importantly because it's who he is, and he is miserable for it (he looks miserable like all the time), but that misery too is born of Love.
Neither Jasmine nor Louis share these specific thoughts with the other, but we know that eventually Louis does acquire the kitsune fruit for Jasmine, and through gritted teeth he asks that it be delivered to her because he Loves her too and his head is screaming at him for it because he remembers the last time he did this.
I'm thinking about Downs (as per usual).
Louis is the reason Matt is a kitsune because he gave Matt the fruit with reckless abandon when they were young, and now Louis is the reason Matt is condemned to a miserable fucking existence.
But hold on, Matt was sick and dying back then, Louis reminds himself, but was it worth it? Matt lived past the age of like 11, but was that a good trade-off for everything to follow? The pain of it all, the amnesia, and the slow death loop that Louis and the kitsunes witnessed in real time, staring at Matt with a horror that they couldn't quite hide for the life of them because again, Matt is their symbol of death, and he serves as a horrific reminder of their own mortality, and Louis wholeheartedly thinks that He Fucking Did That To Him and he ruined his life.
Meanwhile Matt is happy with Dan, and he thinks that although being a kitsune is a burden he has carried all his life, it's the only reason he had so many tries to have a life he wanted, a life where he Loves and is Loved. It's a misery he carries for the sake of Love, and when Matt gets his memories back, he will know this fully and be so grateful that Louis gave this Love to him and regret that he never thanked him for it. Because this life where he is a bit sick (insane) and sick (memory loss) and persecuted is more than preferrable to what his life would've been, cut far too short by a lonely death in an awful shack, Matt thinks and knows that in spite of all the hardships it brought, Louis ultimately saved his life.
I am thinking about whatever the fuck we call David and Louis.
All the kitsunes see David as the friend of Louis (their beloved Louis, their favorite) who he Loves/loves so very much and they collectively think, "we want him to live forever," anything for Louis because Louis is the best.
And Louis also sees David. He, who has thus far been so removed from this life, teetering between power and misery, but who is now standing right at the edge of it, fruit in hand, and Louis thinks, Can I Do It Again? Can I condemn David like I condemned Matt? Can I do that to him?
To David who is so so Normal, something special and unique and beautiful and something Louis has never known, and something Louis wants to preserve, and Louis feels sick over it. He feels sick for reducing David to the idea of normalcy, but can you blame him? Having David in his life is the proof that Louis is capable of holding Normal in his hands and not shattering it like he did with Matt (did he though?) and like he is with Jasmine (IS HE THOUGH?) and if Louis can somehow Keep David That Way, he will be redeemed for his fucked up life-ruining existence wherein he has helped Matt trade one misery for another (Matt doesn't think so) and wherein he may do the same for Jasmine (Jasmine doesn't think so).
Because Louis thinks David's life is as perfect as it gets because he's lived as long as Louis (they're the same age, like you said in that one comic), but he has kept it Normal, and to throw that away by dying and becoming a kitsune (like Louis) would be the worst thing he could do.
So Louis takes the fruit out of David's hands, maybe a little too roughly, maybe a little too frantically, maybe a little too loudly when he shouts "not him," because if Louis let David eat that stupid fruit without dissuading him, without stopping the train he knows is coming for once in his life, without saving David from himself (Louis) for once in his fucking life, Louis doesn't know how he'll go on living.
OH YEAH, AND DAVID, wasn't even going to eat the fucking fruit!! He's so happy and content with his life because of a number of things, including but not limited to Louis, who he thinks is wonderful and beautiful and powerful and good, and who he is honored to work for and maybe kiss on the mouth, so much so that even if he only ever had this one life, he'd die happy.
But at the prospect that David wouldn't have that one life, that he'd be immortal-immortal, Louis freaks the fuck out and over-corrects because he believes (while his drawn-on kitsune marks run down his face) that to be a kitsune is to live a life of incredible power and even worse misery, and it's his awful cross to bear and no one else has to suffer that burden but him (oh yeah, and those two people he forced to suffer with him because he's awful and selfish and the worst thing alive and
and i am Thinking about how you don't just unlearn what heaven has taught you,
and I am Thinking about Louis the college poster boy who would sooner rather die than feel comfortable in the skin he burned off of himself,
and i am Thinking about how many lives Louis has touched and not realized that his touch was gentle and good and he was good,
and god i hate that stupid orange piece of shit fox who thinks he needs to be redeemed when he literally does not, and
@schmoft 💝💓💖💞💝💓