celebrating the 50th anniversary of the release of Robert Altman’s original film adaptation of the novel MASH a story about three Army doctors (a coupla years late)
Frame 1
PAINLESS: Shame Henry wasn’t here. He’d a thought it was a real radio program.
BANDINI: I thought it was a radio program--
UGLY JOHN: We should send a letter of commendation--
PAINLESS: --to the Armed Forces Radio Network--
BANDINI: Yes. Wonderful. It was the most uplifting program I’ve ever heard.
PAINLESS: It was climactic.
Frames 2 - 6
TRAPPER JOHN (to the Korean mess servers): Morning, ladies.
DUKE (to Major Houlihan): Well hiya, Hot Lips.
She swirls on him, her breakfast sloshing onto Trapper.
TRAPPER JOHN: Oh my goodness, over my--
HAWKEYE (squeezing past her): I’m sorry to touch you but I--
She storms away,,,,,
TRAPPER JOHN (affects a “fey” tone): Well what’s the matter with her today?
HAWKEYE (similarly affected): I don’t know. It must be one of those ladies’ things.
As Hot Lips pushes past those in line, Hawkeye and Trapper continue their “fey” mockery....
TRAPPER JOHN: It’s not like her to act like this--
HAWKEYE: No. I mean she’s made such a--
TRAPPER JOHN: she’s a bitch.
Hot Lips struggles beyond agitated to get out of the Mess tent.
HAWKEYE (losing the affectation): I think she’s going to have a nervous breakdown.
TRAPPER JOHN (normal tone of voice): She can’t even get out of the door.
Frame 7- 8
HAWKEYE (sits across from Major Burns with his tray): Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife?
Hawkeye whistles his trill with a kind of breathless intensity.
Frame 9
Radar greets Colonel Blake as he returns, his jeep pulling to a stop and he climbs out....
RADAR: Morning Colonel. You forgot your briefcase.
HENRY (like almost always, vaguely distracted): Yes, I left it in the jeep.
RADAR (as he retrieves the briefcase): You left it there.
HENRY (as he accepts the briefcase from Radar): Yes, I forgot it.
As Leslie emerges from her tent....
HENRY: Morning, Captain.
LESLIE: Morning, sir.
HENRY: I hope you didn’t have to-- (hands the briefcase back to Radar) --here take care of this-- (back to Leslie) I hope you didn’t have to bother with those shirts. It wasn’t necessary.
LESLIE: Too late, sir. It’s a done thing.
HENRY: Well, thank-you.
Sgt. Vollmer rushes up to Colonel Blake, salutes him....
VOLLMER: Colonel, sir. How was your visit, sir?
HENRY: Great. The General wasn’t there.
VOLLMER: Listen, about last night sir, there was just nothing I could do about it. Sir.
HENRY: Nothing?
VOLLMER: Nothing.
HENRY: Well, it couldn’t have been helped.
VOLLMER: Thank you, sir.
As Leslie gives him a dirty look, Vollmer skee-daddles with his good luck....
Henry notices something in the Mess, turns there with Radar and Leslie....
HENRY: What’s that?
HENRY: Frank Burns and Hawkeye Pierce. Very encouraging.
HAWKEYE: A bunch of the boys asked me to ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack.
HAWKEYE: Y’know, was she--
FRANK: Mind your own business.
HAWKEYE: No, Frank. Y’know, is she better than self-abuse?
DUKE: What’s that all about? He gonna get some pointers or something?
TRAPPER JOHN: No, Hawkeye’s gonna sign him up to make a personal appearance tour in all the camps in Korea.
DUKE: ‘Sthat a fact....
HENRY: Wonder what they’re saying. Can you make it out?
HAWKEYE: Does that big ass a hers move around a lot Frank or does it just sort of lie there flaccid?
HAWKEYE: What would you say about that?
RADAR: Hawkeye’s questioning the Major on a point of anatomy.
HENRY: Very good -- exchanging ideas.
HAWKEYE: Would you say that she’s a moaner, Frank?
HENRY: What is Burns saying?
RADAR: Major Burns isn’t saying much of anything. sir. I think he’s formulating the answer.
HAWKEYE: Seriously, Frank.I mean, does she go UhhhUhhhhUhhh.... Or does she just lie there quiet and not do anything at all?
FRANK: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself!
HAWKEYE: Or does she go UH-UH-UH-UH--
Frank lunges across the table, throttles Hawkeye!
HAWKEYE: GET HIM OFF ME! GET HIM OFF ME!
DUKE: What’s goin’ on, Frank? That lesson one?
HAWKEYE: FRANK BURNS HAS GONE NUTS!
HAWKEYE: I’m wearing glasses, for God’ssake!
TRAPPER JOHN: Watch out for goodies, Hawkeye -- that man’s a sex maniac. I don’t think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don’t let him kiss you, Hawkeye!
DUKE: Frank, we love ya!
OVER P.A.: Radio Tokyo PLAYS “Sometimes You Have to Say Sayonara”
DUKE: Colonel, fair’s fair. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye can I go home?
SCORCH: Hawkeye!
HAWKEYE: Yeah, be there in a minute.
SCORCH: Hawkeye!
HAWKEYE: Shit.
HAWKEYE: Okay. Hey, Seidman, get another guy. We gotta take this into the O.R. just on the stretcher.
(to soldier whose neck bleeds like crazy)
Hold on. You’re gonna be just fine, fella.
(to Scorch)
Okay, I can’t move my hand. Come on.
TRAPPER JOHN (off-screen at another O.R. table to Hot Lips): Have you got the cutdowns, darling?
HAWKEYE (to soldier): You’re gonna go to sleep. You’re gonna be just fine.
TRAPPER JOHN: Hot Lips, let me have one of your sterile knives, please.
HAWKEYE (to Scorch): I’m gonna need two vascular clamps.
SCORCH: All right.
HAWKEYE: And an arterial suture. As soon as you give me the clamp, I want you to be ready to gown and glove me. All right?
HAWKEYE: Ready? Okay.
SCORCH: Yeah.
HAWKEYE: Here we go. It’s gonna spurt a bit.
UGLY JOHN (works anesthestesia): You got it?
HAWKEYE: Aye, aye, baby.
HAWKEYE: Clamp.
SCORCH: Yeah.
HAWKEYE: Okay. Gown.
As Scorch quickly fits him....
HAWKEYE: Gloves. Y’got that arterial suture ready?
SCORCH: Yeah.
HAWKEYE: Okay.
(to Ugly John)
Ugly, move outta the way ‘cause I’m looking around over there.
(as he gets to work)
Baby, we’re gonna see some stitchin’ like you never saw before!
P.A. OVERLAPPING into next scene: Attention. Attention. This is from Colonel Blake’s office.
OVER P.A.: The American Medical association has just declared marijuana a dangerous drug. Despite claims by some physicians that it is no more dangerous than alcohol, that is no longer found to be the case.
LIEUTENANT DISH (to Trapper): Oh really? When did you get them. (with stethoscope) Let me try it on you.
Father Mulcahy ENTERS.
DUKE: Hey! Dago Reddo! Just in time for cocktails.
DAGO RED: No. No, I can’t, really. Hawkeye. Hawkeye? Can I speak to you?
HAWKEYE: Yeah, sure.
DAGO RED: No. Outside.
HAWKEYE: What?
DAGO RED: I have to talk to you outside.
HAWKEYE: You all right?
(a familiar little dog rushes up to him)
Hiya, pup-pup.
DAGO RED: Sorry to drag you away from the gang in there--
HAWKEYE: What?
DAGO RED: This will only take a moment. There’s a problem with Walt Waldowski.
HAWKEYE: Painless?
DAGO RED: Painless.
HAWKEYE: Y’got a toothache? He’s a good dentist.
Dago Red: No, no, no, it’s not my problem. See, it’s his problem.
HWKEYE: What do you mean? What is it?
DAGO RED: Well, what is it.... That’s-- It’s difficult to talk about, you see, because I learned about his problem in confession.
HAWKEYE: And you can’t....
DAGO RED: I can’t divulge--
HAWKEYE: Can you give me a hint?
DAGO RED: But I--
HAWKEYE: Just an idea--
DAGO RED: Well, no. But I can tell you how serious it is.
DAGO RED: He and the boys were playing poker and one of the boys turned to him and asked for a ruling on one of the hands and Walt said, he said, “What does it matter? It’s only a game.”
HAWKEYE: Painless said “what does it matter? It’s only a game”? Poker, only a game?
DAGO RED: Yeah.
Hawkeye whistles -- only this time with amazement.
DAGO RED: Yeah. That’s what I thought.
HAWKEYE: i guess I better go see a man about a tooth.
DAGO RED: Thank you. See I didn’t know what I--
HAWKEYE (as he leaves): C’mon pup-pup.
DAGO RED: You see there are some....
DAGO RED: There are some things absolution just....