Another day, another strike of anxiety. Usually when I have a session with the therapist planned, the whole day is gravitating towards it. It takes a lot of energy and emotional stamina to survive the session, so I have to be ready for it, and I have to give myself some time to recover after. Sometimes it even takes a couple of days to come back to the senses, if we perform some proper exercise on the past trauma. So yeah, today is all about the session.
Of course I express my anxiety about being jobless, getting older and basically wasting time. I say that I miss my job. I mention that I lack attention, that I want to express myself, but don’t know how. I remember that I looked up the jobs related to my degrees, but they nauseate me. From all that monologue my therapist takes that I am conflicted: I don’t want to work because I don’t know what I want to do in life, and I am wasting time, so I gotta get my shit together. With the latter - we work by performing an exercise I would like to call “walking the ladder”.
Imagine that voice that tells you to get your shit together. How does it look?
Like a projector of light from a moving helicopter looking for a criminal.
Imagine a ladder towards that projector? Take a step up. What do you feel? What is the positive message of that projector?
For me not to waste my potential. To not be lost.
Take a step further? What is there?
For me to realise myself?
I feel like being creative. A lot of small creativity.
I am surrounded by love. I am love.
I do everything with love.
I accept death. Death is love. I am not afraid of death.
I create my own religion.
I go down in history and in people.
I have completed my mission.
I am free. I am weightless.
I can do anything. I do nothing.
The world is me. I am the world.
And now take all the resources from that last step of the ladder. Gather them, and let’s head back. You are one step lower, where you can do anything, but you do nothing. How do you feel?
Descending - you are free and weightless. How do you feel?
One step lower and you have completed your mission. You have done everything you wanted and could do in life. How do you feel?
Another step descending - you are remembered. How do you feel?
One step lower - you have your own religion. How do you feel?
Well, it seemed necessary at that point, so we need to go through that step. And then lower - you, once again, are free. How do you feel?
Continuing the descent - you are not at the step where you have accepted death, you are no longer afraid of it. How do you feel?
One step down - you do everything with love. How do you feel?
Another step down - you are surrounded by love, you are love. How do you feel?
Good. It feels like home.
Very good. And now one more step down - you are full of creativity, you do a lot of small creative things. How do you feel?
Good, but quite hectic, maybe a bit unnecessarily active.
Well, it seemed appropriate at the time, so no skipping that step either. Lower - you feel lighter. How do you feel there?
Descending where you feel less depressed. How do you feel on that step of the leather now that you are the world and the world is you?
One step down - you are self realised. How do you feel?
And finally - you are not lost and your potential is fulfilled. How do you feel?
So now, how do you picture that projector? How does it look.
Well, it seems to me like a huge eye.
Well, yeah, like the third eye [draws an eye above the eye line between the eyebrows].
Yeah, it’s quite big, enormous I would say.
Like a lot of commotion was not necessary at all. I feel better now, like I grasped a feeling of what it feels like to be out there, that I am the world and the world is me, and I might not be able to comprehend it fully or express myself with words, but it made an impact. It makes me feel better, grounded.
That is a feeling to hold on to, when the voice in the head is calling me worthless or a waste of space. I am the world and the world is me.
Song playing - “Weightless” by LAYLA in Diamond Saints Remix
P.S. Almost poisoned my husband. Accidentally. I didn’t drain the chemical cleaner from the kettle from the night before. And in the morning he drank the coffee before work with a slight comment “oh, that’s a strong taste”. Only 6 hours in the day, after I made a tea for myself and had a sip, I realised it tasted weird, and I remembered my mistake... My husband is totally fine, he did not experience any comfort, because the concentration of the chemical was diffused with baking soda in the first place, and the amount of the chemical was basically 1 centimeter up from the bottom, so he had to pour fresh water on top. But damn, I got myself into worry. Now everyone at his work knows, playfully, I tried to poison my husband.
