For the one word ideas, aswium + iwaoi please!
aswium: the mingled feeling of disappointment, frustration, and regret that results from an unsatisfactory situation
The lights were off. Tooru and Hajime had completed their usual getting-ready-for-bed routine: showers had been taken, teeth had been brushed, covers had been pushed back, phones had been put away. There had been none of their usual chatter. Their bedroom seemed anxious for it, as though the air itself longed to hear their laughter, to see messy kisses exchanged as tired minds drifted towards unconsciousness.
Tooru longed for something else. He could only just see Hajime in the dark, but he did not need to look to know that the other was not sleeping. Instead, he stared, unspeaking, at the ceiling, waiting.
Tooru was waiting, too- waiting for a solution to jump out from wherever it was hiding in his mind and say “Haha! Here I am! Use me!”
It did not.
He sat criss-cross on the bed, sheets covering his legs. He fiddled with his fingers, worrying at his nails, and thought about the night they’d had.
“They set a date for the pinning ceremony,” Hajime had said, voice tinted with pride. His scrubs smelled of sweat and hospital, but he joined Tooru on the couch anyway. Their chests rose and fell together as Tooru ran his fingers through Hajime’s hair. He smiled both at the news and the way Iwaizumi’s eyes danced with the satisfaction of a long, wonderful day of hard, tiring work. “May twenty-second.”
They had celebrated with a kiss and a call to the nearest pizza place. They’d toasted with greasy pepperoni slices and drank cheap wine out of tiny paper cups. And then Tooru had gone to mark the special occasion in his calendar.
“Ah.”
“What?”
“I’m supposed to be in California that day. For a tournament.”
“Ah.”
And so they’d gone to bed, the argument they could have had unspoken and tense in the air between them. There was no reason to discuss the matter. Tooru might lose his position as a starter if he missed a practice, let alone one day of a tournament. He’d clawed his way to the court only to find his place there as solid as a footprint in sand. There were so many bright, hungry eyes watching and waiting for a chance to claim their own spot in the professional world. So, so many. And so there could be no skipping, no asking of special favors for Oikawa Tooru.
But the world would not rearrange itself for Oikawa Hajime, either. The date of the one and only ceremony that would ever formally recognize his hardwork and dedication to the field of nursing would not change just because the man he loved most in the world could not attend. And so the day would pass and he would have one less person to lock eyes with in the audience of loved ones as his career officially began.
They would move on. There would be other chances to celebrate and love each other. But this time, this chance, would be missed. It would be an unfortunate stain on an otherwise charming and cherished quilt. A small blip in a life of easy love and sturdy foundations.
Tooru turned to look at his husband. “I’m going to go.”
“You can’t. I know you can’t.”
He couldn’t. He knew he couldn’t. The absolute concreteness of that fact made him want to spike a ball through a window. He kissed Hajime’s forehead instead. “I am so very proud of you.”
Hajime took a strand of Tooru’s hair between his fingers and twirled it. “I know you are.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything.”
No, he hadn’t done anything. But he couldn’t undo anything either.
“We’ll get your sister to FaceTime me in during it. I’ll cheer so loudly at your turn it’ll be just like I’m in the room.”
Hajime smirked. “And she’ll bill you for her new hearing aids afterwards.”
“Exactly.”
It was a fine solution on paper. But it didn’t fix anything, really. There was no repairing or sidestepping what could not be repaired or sidestepped. But they would make it work. Tooru closed his eyes and waited for other chances to love and celebrate to appear.
