Punch Drunk Love: Would a Potter Party truly be a party without punch? It isn’t hard to tell that this bunch loves their drink, but it turns out their love for a good spiked punch extends beyond the bowl. Once pristine, our Off-White Knight tainted his armour, dropping Hephaestus faster than a baby off a mountain. And all for the love of a girl. Now, this one has always been a Thorn in our side, so I can’t say I completely get it, but it strikes me as a bit odd. Thorny was having dirtier fun with cleaner punching bags all night, so your target was odd. Makes a girl wonder why you picked him. Watch out darling Knight, or that armour is going to dirty up whatever princess you ride off to save next, and you might not like the result.
Kissing Bandit: While the numbers are still being deliberated, I can confirm Thorn made her rounds, leaving us to ponder one thing: who didn’t get a taste of her lips? It seemed everyone got her friendly party favor. Who needs a game of spin the bottle when Thorny’s feeling quite horny? Of all her victims, no one made off better than the Rook. This stoic stallion made off with his very first make out. No better time or place than a house party. Romance in its natural habitat.
Love is a Battlefield: I met my fair share of boys who had problems with their fathers at Hogwarts; they probably could have started a club, and these two would have been quite the pair of kings. Of course, that wouldn’t be the only thing these two have shared. Ciggies, secrets, girls: they’ll pass just about anything back and forth. I always thought Daddy Issues would be the one marked to become the thing he dreads most, considering how far gone he already is, but I may have been wrong. Our new contender and likely come-from-behind winner is Chip Off the Old Block. See, it seems a run in left our two boys and their old lover all choked up, and one of them a lot more than the others. Pity for his new squeeze; if it’s out of the frying pan and into the fire with Chip, she might just get burned.
Girls, Girls, Girls: Can a party ever truly be considered a success without some lesbian awakening? Not if Sappho has anything to say about it. She turns girls quicker than Aphrodite turns over boyfriends. Her target of the night: Miss Mary Jane. While this one may have shaken the sheets with one busy boy, rumor has it only Sappho got her rocks off. Once Mary Jane had her first hit, she couldn’t deny that lesbian high and Hell’s Angel became her drug of choice. No cherry chapstick, just lots and lots of liquor. For those worrying that Sappho got left high and dry— worry not because she had plenty of company: a Black Sheep and little bit of Treble. Neither were the ones to take her home; that honour goes out to a certain blondie. Track record tells me it didn’t just end at a goodnight kiss.
Sexual Debutantes: Good girls don’t kiss and tell, but for all her sugar and spice, Sweet Tart is anything but nice. I’m sure we’ll be hearing all about her night for weeks: dancing, snogging, smoking. I have a feeling her friends are going to be bored of hearing about it long before she's done talking. It almost makes me want to celebrate with her. I love a good story, and I'll even buy drinks. How does cherry pop sound, Sweet Tart? On the other hand, Not-So Virgin Mary has always been a good girl through and through, and she’s staying mum about her night. Makes a girl wonder: was her maiden voyage a religious experience or did all that sinning make for the saddest sex the Wizarding World has ever seen? Either way, Virgin Mary has left the chapel.
Pretty and Witty and Gay: Wave your rainbow flags, witches and bitches, because we’ve got another one! Not that this came much of a surprise to me. Whatever closet Einstein was hiding in must have been made of glass. I did have higher expectations than a game of Truth or Dare for your outing— there wasn’t even a cake; there were, however, plenty of slack jaws. It’s a shame Rockstar wasn’t there to see it. You two could have danced the night away, just like the Midsummer Night’s Solstice. Just be sure to keep it PG or else a certain sister might get a bit prickly.
Party MVP: This award goes out to the one that makes my job far too easy. Thank you, Mary Jane, but do consider getting some help. And I’m not talking about the kind you sought from Bargain Brand, unless you think the answers to your problems are found on the lips of boy you shouldn’t kiss. Ignore the fact that he’s got a girlfriend or that your best friend would never approve— smart move. That one kiss sparked your blow up, tossing shots back and letting girls go down. No amount of crying to Naughty Girl could erase your behavior. Nor another drink. Nor blacking out. Try to forget all you want but I’ve got a party full of witnesses and every single one has watched your life go up in smoke.