(A/N) Again, I’m in the mood for something more on the sad side, so I figured why not breakup scenarios? Sounds heartbreaking enough to me, so here, have some, in case you feel up to reading something like this.
Also, I was thinking about making a part two - something like “Getting Back Together with B.A.P”, since I in fact am more for happy, fluffy happy-ever-after’s, and would like this to be one as well. Should I write that, perhaps? Let me know! ❤
-YONGGUK-
“Hey, are you coming, or..”
“No. I’‘ll stay behind today.”
Himchan sighed, leaning against the door frame and watching this sorry existence of a man that was once known as Yongguk grumbling under his breath. He couldn’t really be called that anymore, as close to nothing of him was left, or at least he didn’t show it. He had always drowned himself in work, but never to such extents. He always found excuses to stay behind nowadays, and never wanted to show his face to anyone anymore.
Himchan had an idea in mind for why it was like that. His face displayed exactly how much he was hurting on the inside, and nothing could hide that up. And since he hated being vulnerable and exposed, he simply opted in for hiding himself.
“You know you have to do something about this, right?”
Of course he knew. He had two possibilities - one would be to forget you, while the other one would be to come crawling back to you. He imagined the latter, and let his mind wander a little, thinking of how it would be if you’d actually have a positive reaction to his sudden arriving and confessions. Imagining showing up at your door, to face you once again and simply tell you.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can manage. Could we please try again?”
He imagined how it would be if you agreed - if you’d take him into your home, and hold him for the whole night as close as possible. Just let him wrap his mind around the fact that his whole world was back in his arms, and that it wouldn’t fade away anywhere anytime soon.
“Yongguk-ah!”
“Just leave,” he responded, waving Himchan away. He wasn’t hesitant or sorry to show how it irritated him that it was Himchan’s voice cutting through the air instead of yours, but at the same time he didn’t want to show it too much.
Everyone knew he had lost a big piece of him. No need to highlight it even more.
“You know what? You’re a grown man, and I don’t have to look out for you,” Himchan suddenly snapped a little, making Yongguk turn around in his chair, “But at the same time, I can’t stand seeing you like this. All you do is hide away in the studio. You’re not even writing songs anymore - you’re just pretending to do so. You simply don’t want to face the world without her by your side anymore, and are constantly finding excuses.”
“I am writing songs,” he corrected calmly and slowly, “Just that type of songs that should never see the light. They have too much of me in them.”
“Then stop it and get it together,” Himchan started walking off, not bothering to close the door behind himself, “Or get her back. You never even tried. I’ll just get you takeout and will drop by in a few hours - I’m sure you’ll still be here.”
Yongguk leaned back on his chair, closed his eyes and sighed. Maybe Himchan was right, and he indeed had to try. But he was unusually scared of it, because he felt like he only had one shot at this. One chance that he couldn’t possibly screw up, or his life would continue the same way it did for the last two months for so, so unbearably long. In the black-and-white he thought he loved of so much, yet realized he hated, and with all noise being only secondary, easily drowned out by his thoughts.
He had to try, as there was no Yongguk without (Y/N) - not anymore. But he still needed a bit of time. He wasn’t ready to go back yet. He wasn’t ready to face you, so instead he stayed behind at the studio once again for the whole night. Writing and composing - you can already guess about whom.
“Because after all troubles that I made you go through,
You didn’t ask me even once to spare it, because you knew
I needed you to stay by me and needed help
Though by fixing me, you forgot all about yourself”
-HIMCHAN-
Staying in. He never thought he’d hate it so much.
Why was it that everything all of a sudden seemed so unbearable when you were gone? He suddenly hated waking up, because a loud, beeping alarm clock was the first thing he was met with in the morning instead of your soothing voice somewhere close to his ear, and he suddenly lost all of his appetite and started skipping breakfast, simply because he couldn’t get used to the fact he would have to get it alone nowadays. Skipping made it seem like you were just on vacation or something - temporary absent. It made it seem like you’d be back every other day, and would make everything seem alright again.
He didn’t want to recall that it was all a lie, not in the least. So he closed the blinds and popped back down under the covers, ignoring texts form everyone, including Jongup who nowadays, worried about his friend and hyung, even started responding to his messages and typing some himself - doing something that was quite unusual of him to do. But it was of no matter anyways - all the texts were left unread and unanswered.
Himchan could always sleep around like a cat for the whole day, yet he found himself developing insomnia issues recently. When he closed his eyes, he couldn’t keep his mind from wandering places, so he simply lied there instead, facing the ceiling and trying to keep himself from thinking. Yet it didn’t work out.
Could you possibly take him back? After all, he didn’t know how you felt about it. All he knew was that your eyes weren’t watering less than his when you held his hand for the last time, and told him goodbye.
“I can’t anymore, Channie. I’m sorry.”
What were you sorry for? He was convinced you had nothing on your hands when it came to why this relationship that you’d tried to keep for years had fallen apart. Were you sorry for the fact you thought you couldn’t provide him enough support? Were you sorry for being away from him on most occasions?
Because he thought that all of that was his fault and not yours. And he was the one who had to be sorry about it.
“I’m such an idiot,” he let out a breath, running ha hand through his hair the way you used to. Except his hand felt harsh against his scalp, while yours used to leave soft and loving traces, letting strands of his hair in between your fingers as you giggled, complimenting him on his soft hair.
How happy would you be if you found another? He wasn’t one in a million, he knew for sure. He wasn’t picture perfect, and his aspects were far from being lovable - some of them were, at least. But as he laid there, he couldn’t help but consider. Could you really find someone who shared the same type of love towards you as he did?
Fuck, he was all yours, and would still be for uncertain amounts of time. He wouldn’t go anywhere with his feelings and emotions. You could call him up next winter, or message him after half a lifetime would already have passed, and he would still come back to you. Knocking on your door and smiling widely as you opened, handing you a cup of coffee and bugging you to either stay in with him and watch movies or go outside for a walk.
Buying coffee was easy. It was even easier to watch a movie or go for a walk, but he thought if anyone would really appreciate it the way he did it - if anyone even could so it to such extents. You’d touched his heart and soul in the most beautiful ways, and he didn’t feel this type of affection towards anyone else. So the plain thought of you doing this with someone else scared him. Would you feel just as comfortable with them as you used yo with him?
Even if he wasn’t the best for you, he’d promised to take care of you always. Where did it all go, as time passed by? He couldn’t recall - all he knew was that he’d definitely leave you a voicemail later today. And would try to make it sound like he wasn’t choking on tears while saying what had to be said.
“If you ever find someone who’ll love you as much as I do, don’t hesitate to keep them in your life, if you feel the same way. But know I’m sorry, and, no matter how much time will pass, I’ll be waiting for you to take me back, if you ever feel like it. I’m still all yours, you know. And it looks like I’ll be for quite a while.”
-DAEHYUN-
This wasn’t it. This wasn’t the right way to do it, yet he felt the absolute need to make it happen. His fingers lingered above the phone screen, and he started typing. Typing away a message just to delete it all and start over once again, just the same way he’d done it already countess times.
But he wanted you to know. And he was trying to find the right words to say oh so desperately.
The guys were laughing about something in the background, but he didn’t seem to notice. Despite trying to keep his usually happy and upbeat attitude around them, it was rather hard to do nowadays, and he wondered how long it will take him to get over you. Since the few glasses he had downed previously this evening were helping him unwind tons, but at the same time were making him think too much, he was determined to find out.
Yeah, how long?
He remembered the first week after the breakup, and sighed. Daggers of pain were going right through his chest for the whole time, and he wasn’t capable of dragging himself out of the house. He would constantly scream into pillows and avoid leaving the bedroom, just because he’d gotten all of your visible things out of there, but the rest was still proudly on display in other parts of the house. He couldn’t stand seeing them.
He hated coming across his shirts that you used to wear around the house, and couldn’t spare a look to the mugs that seemingly still had your lip marks on them. Okay, they didn’t. It was just his imagination testing him now, since he missed your lips oh so much. The comfort they provided, and how they always mended his pain. He’d miss it forever.
That was the first week. The second went by just about the same way, yet the impact of all the mentioned things lessened with every passing day. And it was quite obvious that at some point i had to stop hurting. But it’s been a month, and it hadn’t yet.
And just by recalling your face, he figured it wouldn’t. The only way to mend the pain was to have you back.
To: (Y/N) ❤
Hey, how are you? [00:40]
He was beyond stupid, or so he thought. Just casually typing a “how are you?” seemed like the worst thing to do after a breakup, and, on top of that, it was beyond simply late. He was sure you were already asleep, but that, to be completely honest, slightly gave him courage. At least he’d have time to think now, and would be able to type everything in one go before you had the chance to respond to only a part of it. That is, if you would respond to him at all.
To: (Y/N) ❤
So, like.. I don’t know how to word it. You know I’ve never been good with explanations or putting my thoughts out like that.. I’ll try though. I really want to say a few things. [00:43]
I want you to know I’ve never been happier, and now just thinking about the fact that I no longer will be able to access that happiness has me feeling low. Maybe it sounds a little selfish.. Yeah. It sure does. I’m only talking about myself again, not considering what made you quit. But, whatever it was.. Please, let me know. I want to know where we went wrong, so I’ll be able to, you know.. Kid of be at peace with it or something. [00:47]
He needed another glass, he was sure of it. And after getting that, he took another one, savoring the bitter taste of alcohol while he still could. Too bad he liked sweet instead. And he’d never tasted anything sweeter than your lips.
To: (Y/N) ❤
And now I’m beyond drunk. I know you’d be mad at me, but you’re not here to keep an eye on me, so I somehow ended up in this state. I’m sorry for acting this way, but I can’t help it. It’s better than drowning in “what if’s” and realizations of how pathetic of a lover I have been all along. [02:34]
I’m sorry I wasted your time. I know you deserved better. [02:35]
-YOUNGJAE-
“Take care, Jae, okay? You’ll feel better soon, I promise.”
“You promised, (Y/N), you promised,” he kept mumbling under his breath while walking around the apartment, constantly fixing his hair as that was a tick of his for whenever he was nervous or frustrated.
“It’s been two months, and I’m patiently waiting. It doesn’t get fucking better. It never will, so why did you have to lie?”
He constantly scolded himself for being angry and frustrated rather than sad all the time, but this was his way of being broken. At least every day started off like that, and only by the evening he’d turn into a puddle of tears. He started off as a warrior though, holding on as good as he could for as long as possible.
Yet it was hard without you, and he constantly kept reminding himself of how it went back then that evening. You had fought, and then, out of nowhere, you asked him if he wanted to end things.
He recalled being beyond surprised, and lowering his voice immediately, softly asking what had brought you to such conclusions. He thought he might be able to somehow still fix it up - it simply couldn’t happen. He knew he could be unbearable at times, but hell. He loved you. And you loved him, or so it seemed by the way you acted.
“It just seems like I can’t provide any type of happiness for you anymore, Jae. And is there a point of being unhappy together if we could see how things would unfold if we went separate ways?”
He’d begged you to stay, and you did, but what had already started crumbling was meant to fall apart completely, and soon he found your things disappearing from his apartment in a slow and subtle fashion, along with you - with your smiles, your attention and loving touches, your help and your encouragement. Your jokes and remarks. Your love for him.
What stopped him from chasing you and bringing you back into his arms? He was clearly miserable without you, and would be for a long time, until he’d learn to move on. Thing is, he didn’t want to move on. He had nothing to move on to.
Was it the fact you seemed rather unhappy as well? Probably. He couldn’t really imagine you being unhappy in a relationship with him - it had always been smiles and cuddles. But then again, you’d always kept quiet about your feelings, and he always had to go through tons of efforts to get your secrets and issues out of your soul with extra care. So had he been blind this whole time, and had you been suffering silently while being together with him?
He hoped you hadn’t because he wanted you back badly.
Should he call you? He could, but then again, what are the possibilities you’ll pick up? He considered, figuring you’d actually definitely pick up. After all, you had parted on good terms, but.. Was he ready for a heart-to-heart talk just yet? He wasn’t sure.
He wanted to give you a subtle hint, he wanted you to know he wanted to see you, yet he was clueless on how to do it. Until he heard his phone going off, and saw he had a notification from Instagram.
Instagram.
He really wasn’t proud of the picture he’d taken. He liked none of his selfies, this one even less than the others, but did it matter? After all - he was supposed to look miserable, because he really was. So, with only half his face visible, the other half hidden behind blankets and covers, he slowly started typing a caption.
yjaybaby “Today it’s two months since it happened. You promised me it would get better, yet I see no change. It still hurts as much as it did back then, and I’m clueless on what to do. I’m trying, I really am. But I can’t do this on my own. I just thought I’d let you know.”
He didn’t quite care his phone kept exploding with messages and would continue doing so in the nearest time to come. He simply waited, and hoped you’d notice. Because he knew you should be able to - you always checked Instagram. There hadn’t been a post of his that you haven’t liked, not even after the breakup.
-JONGUP-
“You have to focus more! You clearly aren’t even trying, and what point is there even to let you go out on stage if you can’t put on a performance!?”
“Hey, don’t talk to him like that. He’s got his reasons for feeling off-”
“And I don’t really care for his reasons. Being an idol means giving a hundred percent on stage every performance. He clearly can’t keep up anymore!”
Who knew people could be so harsh? Jongup was just standing in this whole mess, watching as Yongguk tried to defend him in front of a TS representative. Most of those people were nice, or at least tried to come off as that, but this guy wasn’t having Jongup’s personal issues and the way they brought him down at all.
All he cared about was the fact that Jongup had fallen during a dance solo on stage today. And it had been recorded and made available for people to watch.
Yongguk was still in heated conversation, but at some point Jongup saw him signaling for him to go away. So he slid out of the room, being careful so no one would really see him sneaking away.
Now, could he be a part of Best Absolute Perfect after failing so dramatically? He really felt not worthy of his title for being “perfect”, and his thoughts kept trailing back to how he’d even gotten into a situation like that.
Oh, yeah. He’d been anxious about the dance solo all along, as he felt like he hadn’t rehearsed it enough, and simply slipped up. Because he was nervous and had no one to cheer on him.
He never thought he needed anyone to do so, yet when you showed up in his life and started coming to B.A.P’s shows, he developed a strong liking for your presence. Even if he didn’t know where exactly you were - he knew you were somewhere, and all your attention would be fixated on him and only him.
He had to admit, if was a little childish, but just the thought of having exceeded the other members by some unique charm he possessed made him a little proud. He was standing on one stage with master-songwriter Yongguk, pretty face Himchan, angel voice Daehyun, charismatic Youngjae and dancing machine Junhong, yet he knew you were only looking at him - your anime-loving, cereal-stealing weirdo of a boyfriend, Jongup-ah. The love of your life.
And, since you’d been gone, he felt the quality of his performance falling back drastically.
But, to be honest, he didn’t really think it mattered - at least he didn’t feel like it did. He knew he was being selfish - he knew he should think about the fans who have come out to see the show first, but he couldn’t do so. He could only think about where you could possibly be right now, and what you could possibly be doing. Without him.
He considered if you were better off without him, since he had no time to spare you whatsoever, or if you missed him as much as he missed you, and if you sometimes cried yourself to sleep because of lack of him, just like he oh so often had been reminding himself about your absence in his life recently?
He was casually siting on some stairs, tapping his feel on the ground as he noticed Junhong jogging over, with a phone in his hand.
Oh no, he was doing either a vlive or an Instagram live. Jongup didn’t know which one was worse, but he continued sitting there calmly and waiting for what would happen, as if always fine.
“Hey, Jongup hyung! Babyz are really worried about you, but they’re saying that you shouldn’t be ashamed or anything - mistakes happen from time to time, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. But could you tell them if you’re fine? They’re curious to know,” Junhong said, sitting down beside him cautiously.
“Amm.. Hi, babyz,” Jongup scratched the back of his head shyly, and decided to spill, at least to some extent, as he couldn’t hold it any longer, “Don’t worry about me, really. I’m fine, I just slipped up a little. You know.. There’s an important person missing from my life right now. A person who was always there to cheer on me at times like this, and I guess I just miss that a lot and am not used to living without that support… But I promise I’ll work harder and won’t let that discourage me.. I’ll try, at least.”
What a lie, right?
-ZELO-
“Junhong-ah, let’s go home.”
“A little later, I’m not finished here yet.”
By the looks of it, he wouldn’t be for quite a while still. So without additional tries to get him to go home, since all of those were useless anyways, Youngjae sighed and figured he’d just leave. Tomorrow was an important day, and he wanted to get at least a little bit of rest before jumping head-first into another award show yet again.
“Don’t stay back for too long, okay?”
“I won’t hyung. Just a little longer.”
And with that, Youngjae left him to dance alone at the practice room, closing the door and walking down the hallway right after. Junhong really knew less to nothing about heartbreak, and Youngjae figured it would only get worse if he stayed there like this. But he was tired of trying to get Junhong to thing straight. Despite being a well-mannered toll kid of good behavior, he could be extra stubborn when he wanted to be. This situation showing it perfectly.
He only stopped dancing when it was already nine in the evening, and, sliding to sit on the ground, he tied a loose shoelace back together. And figuring he might need to rest a little, he let his mind wander.
The door creaked open all of a sudden, and a tiny familiar shadow crept into the well-lit room from the dim hallway. He sat there and smiled to himself, knowing exactly what would follow, as two gentle arms wrapped around his neck from behind and rested on his shoulders. The workday had officially come to an end at this point, and he was left to get a tiny reward for the extra efforts he put into doing a good job earlier on.
“Junghon-ah, you’re all sticky. Ew, gross.”
A loud laugh escaped him, as he knew you made it sound harsher than it actually was.
“And you’re so non-sticky. Ew, gross,” he let his head tilt up a little and leaned back, observing your picture perfect face as your expressions shifted, showing nothing but plain amusement.
“No. I’m not “ew”, you are,” you told him, making “ew” sound so cute and seem like such a lovely statement that he found himself not minding it at all, actually.
“Doesn’t seem like you care though,” he said, and as always, pressed his lips lightly on yours. The reaction you always had to his kisses kept cracking him up, as you always shuddered a little under his touch before melting completely into it. So he made sure to make it last longer, since it gave you such pleasure.
“You know what’s actually “ew”? The way you offend me like this, after a very long day,” his voice sounded full of adoration as he spoke, and you could feel it clearly - something had once again triggered a nerve in him, and he appreciated your evening visit more than ever.
“I’ve been dancing for hours.”
“Then let it be enough, Junhong-ah,” you gave him another loving peck, knowing how much he loved evening practice, but at the same time being aware he needed to go home in order to rest, “You’ve done enough for today. Let’s go home.”
“I swear, you’re picking me up as if I was a kid who had to go home from kindergarten,” he chuckled lightly, yet obeyed to follow your slight tugs to his shirt, and got up, “Not that I really mind. I actually appreciate it a lot.”
“I know you well, Junhong-ah. If I wouldn’t come to pick you up, you’d probably fall asleep somewhere on the couch here again. With important schedules showing up, you don’t feel perfect enough to simply walk out on stage without a worry in mind and slay a performance, so you practice tons. And you lose track of time and space while doing so.”
“So you come along to pick me up and bring me home.”
“Exactly. You’re good enough at this already, no need to overwork. You need sleep. And diner. And cuddles. But over all, a shower first.”
A notification on his phone made him snap back into reality. Glancing at the clock, he saw it was already a quarter past nine. He sighed, and cursed to himself for making those memories seem so real. As if it was really happening once again, and wasn’t just a fragment from the past that.. Was gone forever.
You never came around since the breakup. Which was only logical, but it pained him beyond belief.
You had never walked in later than exactly nine in the evening, so he wasn’t even waiting for you anymore. He was in fact just practicing to forget about your absence, yet this seemed like the worst place to do it at - after all, you had to be here, yet you weren’t. And he didn’t know if you’d ever be.
