#dear alison

[bitemelyme]

Dear Alison;

I've been so scared lately. My friend contacted me last night and I just didn't know how to respond. It's hurt so much not hearing from her, and when I did try to talk to her she said she was busy and told me to go and that really scared and hurt me and even though I know she didn't mean it like that, then I wouldn't talk to her because I was scared. And whenever I got the courage to talk again she'd send me off. This isn't working for me, it's hurting so much, but theres just nobody else really to be there for me when the anxiety hits.

My thoughts have been spiraling to worse and worse places. Going off the anti-biotics seems to have been a very bad idea, but it's not one I'm in control over. So the spiral shall continue it seems. I'm worried about how far it'll have to go before... really bad stuff starts happening. And that scares me, because I'm too nervous and paralyzed with fear to reach out to anyone else, and I'm worried I won't be able to before I crash.

[bitemelyme]

Dear Alison;

I'm lying to all my friends and saying I'm okay and that it's okay that I haven't heard from them in a long time.

It's not. I'm not. It hurts.

I know a lot of it is probably my fault, but still.

It's just hard to know what to say anymore. "Oh, I'm sick again." "Oh, I'm in a lot of pain." But somehow I feel like I shouldn't need to be the one starting and helping the conversation work all the time?

I dunno. I have these feelings a lot.

It'd just help a bit if it wasn't so hard to have and keep friends with this illness.

Anyway, a night without sleep requires me to attempt bed now. Good--day.

[bitemelyme]

Dear Alison;

I don't want to leave. Let me clarify. I'm staying at a friends house. It's been really nice. They understand my illness, I like spending time with them. It feels like someone understands and cares about my presence here, as opposed to at home. The family here is really nice, people who seem to notice and appreciate me. Maybe I'm just deluding myself, maybe I'm wrong. But I don't want to go home, I don't want to be alone anymore.

Is that too much to ask? That for once in my life I have people who want to talk to me? Who I don't have to tell them I want to talk, people who will engage me and I don't have to put effort into speaking to?

Maybe I'm being over dramatic. I've only been here a couple days.

I don't want to leave though. I don't want to be alone again.

Why can't I stay?

Thanks for reading.

--

(Note that 'Alison' is fictional, and I'm just writing this to get thoughts out of my head, and I thought giving a persona to someone I can speak to about my thoughts would be nice. If it's weird I'm writing my personal thoughts here, that's okay? Otherwise, thanks for reading. I think I'll do this often, so... yeah. Have a nice day!)

[wintersterarchive]

*

[sixandhush]

Don’t lament so much about how your career is going to turn out. You don’t have a career. You have a life. Do the work. Keep the faith. Be true blue. You are a writer because you write. Keep writing and quit your bitching. Your book has a birthday. You don’t know what it is yet.

Dear Sugar, Tiny Beautiful Things

[slangtangs]

I have the best story....

 Alison, do you remember for Cathy's 21st birthday when we went to Planet Hollywood. We sat in the Jimi Hendrix booth, and I was so excited, because i got to sit so close to the framed picture of mister Hendrix. Ha! The waitress came over and took our drink orders, and you ordered a Stella, even though you were still twenty-years old at the time. The waitress asked for your ID and you showed it to her, and I was the last one to have my drink ordered; the waitress asked if i had my ID on me, and i responded yes, but I didn't show it to her. When she walked away with our orders, you began to laugh, and I asked you why.And you said, "I'm glad she didn't ask to see your ID, because I just used yours."

Man, I'm truly going to miss you. Your laugh; your smile; your presence; the crazy times we shared together. I love you!

-Abbie

[fallsdowntherabbithole-blog]

Finally, here is my birthday message to you:

Dear Alison,

You are without a doubt the greatest gift I could have ever recieved. I love you with all of my heart and soul. You are a beautiful, goofy, sweet, compassionate, crazy, and wonderful woman that makes me feel completely at peace whenever we are together. No matter what other people may come and go from our lives, you will always be my best friend. I don't know where I'd be without you. We've cried together, laughed together, and gotten in trouble together. My life is complete simply because you are in it. I love you with all of my being and I just wanted to wish you the happiest birthday in the world. Now smile girlie <3.

Love always,

Your Best Friend