Much has happened in the intervening months between now and when I last messaged you. I've gone to a lot of emergency backup plans, only to realize that they didn't work. Mostly, all of them. Things are okay sometimes, other times, pretty unbearable. People have come to me offering help, but I've either messed it up, or they've just left. Some relationships I've thought dependable are cracking. People I've though I could count on see my messages, but just stop talking to me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've asked for help from people, I've seen three different therapists... the latest one seems nice, but with my social life mostly decomposed around me, I'm too scared to really go see anyone else for help cause I've exhausted most of my options, pretty much nothing helps when it gets bad anymore.
Over the past couple weeks, people I've thought I could really count on have just been proving I can't. I know some would say to just count on myself, but that gets difficult when your mind is constantly filled with noise, fear, and pain. It's not easy. This is all too hard, but there's nothing. That's what it feels like anyway, nothing. Not a single indication that this situation isn't entirely contrived to mock me over and over again as I continually am tricked into believing things are improving, before a mockery is shoved into my face that I'm forced to accept, or bury deep down into my thoughts until it resurfaces later.
I don't have the energy to do anything extra anymore. Someone just looking at that might not really take much away from it, but I mean it in a very powerful way. I really only have the energy to sit, or even lay down. That means that every extra step outside of that is a huge toll, and I have to compensate for it somewhere. And if on that day I can't compensate, there's no opportunity for me to lay down for 6+ hours during the day, then I pay in health. Physical, emotional, both, it doesn't matter.
There are so many things I can't even say, it's too clouded in my mind. All I know is things... aren't well. They haven't been for a while. They may be improving, but guess what, I just got more bad news. Something.... really personal. From the mind of a person without anxiety it wouldn't be AWFUL, I mean it's not like someone died, but... it's big, and for someone with anxiety that makes the smallest things (like forgetting where I put my phone) into huge things that fire emotions right into my brain and overpower me. On top of that, every minute seems like the end of the world anyway.
And I've had so many of these discussions with myself and other people already that whenever I try to question why anything is the way it is it seems pointless, thinking about what I could do likewise. Don't get me wrong, I can keep doing this, I still have hope. But just cause I said that it feels like anyone who might have had sympathetic feelings just sort of drifts off, cause here it often feels if you're not literally about to kick it, people just sorta don't care (I don't mean to say that people about to die aren't forgotten about too, but... yeah).
I'm just sick of this. Most of my life I've spent ill. It's not fair. Like I don't need to say that, but I barely even acknowledge it to myself. It's not fair, and it's not fun, and it's really shitty, and people say "Oh yeah go do this thing" but I have no fucking energy because I already used it trying that thing last week, and literally typing a reply to a message takes most of four hours energy and it just feels hopeless to try anything anymore because I have been for years and the best I got was a year... or has it been two years now? I don't know... when I had some friends and I felt happy. And then I had a sickness bump that pushed me even deeper down then I already was, and as people had started leaving already it just got worse and I knew I needed to conserve my energy so I didn't do anything, and then everyone left except a few people and I just struggled and struggled and then most of the few who left are gone, and NOW the few that are left from that... it's getting shaky. I don't know who to turn to anymore, I'm running out of options.
So yeah, Alison. That's a small bit of my life right now. Who knows how my opinion of it will change in even the next ten minutes, things are so unpredictable... I'm just so tired of everything Alison, I know this reads like a dramatic piece of crap but I don't even care anymore, I'm so tired and I feel abandoned and I don't care if it's true or not, it's what my emotions and brain say, and I'm scared, and people are scary, and I feel like I'm supposed to know what I'm doing or act in a certain way or know what to do at a certain time, but guess what I have experience in? Being sick. So I don't know what to do and look like an idiot, and people think I'm stupid or weird. I'm just trying to help or be friendly, all I really want to do is that. But no, that's weird or creepy, go away, ew.
Iunno Alison. I'm out of things to say for now. I know there's a lot more. I hope you'll forgive me. Please, don't leave me like the others.
"Okay, bye." All that I could say at that point to show how hurt I was. What else was I supposed to do? I'd already said the truth, and... other realities, other truths. Made it not possible. This isn't the fairytail of life books promised me. It's not even the romantic hardships with the nice person who comes in to save the other person, helping them reveal they actually have a lot to give to the world. It's not even a horror, macabre book. No, the world is like no book because books have a plot to follow. Even the most confounding, twisted words of a sane man can never truly explain the world because the world doesn't have an intent, it's just a bunch of stuff put together in some mishmash and then whatever plays out plays out.
I don't even know if I believe half of what I write sometimes. It's mostly getting confusion out of my head and on 'paper'. As... 'we' agreed, I'd tell you exactly what I was thinking all the time. That's what I understand how to do, it's why a lot of my earlier friends said I was such a cool person, and then left later because I still wasn't quite sure how to socialize. I love it, and contrary to what I just said I'm pretty good at it sorta, but when I'm having anxiety I'm a different person.
Anyway, so then I started hiding things that hurt me, that talking about could damage the relationship because I really like being friends. But then that pain builds up, and resentment, and then I talk about it... and then we talk and everything is 'okay', until this happens again.
So I decided that that wasn't working but now all I can do is talk about my feelings cause I'm leaking emotions all over the place cause of my conditions. Yee. So that isn't really working, cause people can't deal with that... so I'm sorta stuck. And I'm not really sure there's a solution, again back to the book analogy I guess, cause in a book there's pretty much always a good solution that works out for a reason. The reason might not be apparent, it might not even be good for some reason, but in a good story it will fit in neatly like a big tetris line piece.
Life, however, solutions to problems don't have to fit into anything because reasoning and social relationships are pretty abstract anyways, so it doesn't necessarily have to fit in.
Okay, I'm really done this time.
We'll see how things go :/ just one reminder though, this is all my anxiety talking. Things are a lot different when I'm... happier. That doesn't mean that all I just said doesn't mean anything, it just means... that's not always me is all. I'm gonna keep doing my best... which currently is making it by by a very small amount, but eh. I'm doing it.
And here you have me going over quite a few emotions in not very much time. Hah. Hope you enjoy.
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