Grief is strange. You don’t realize it at first. You just are rooted in the pain. But as time some how moves forward you are reminded in small and large ways how strange it is.
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Mentally and physically it’s like my body is sensing November is near. I can feel the grief and the pain navigate into parts of myself that I try to keep grief free. Which is impossible. I’m learning more and more that I’m allowed to be sad or feel grief throughout the year. Not save it all for November and July. Again, grief is weird.
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I think too seeing loss played out in such a public way as with Liam Payne, that has been abnormally triggering for me. Loss and grief of such magnitude is so strange and it feels like drowning and flying at full speed all the time. It’s just been a bit hard for me lately. I bet it’s hard for most right now. So if you are feeling that way, you are not alone.
It's been a long while since I've written. I'm sorry about that. Not that I haven't thought of you, and the world without your energy in it. So much has happened, that I know you see from your perfect spot, perched somewhere high up, taking in all the golden light.
It's not the same of course. The wanting of you here on the earth plane, the seeing what I'm doing, who I'm becoming, being able to meet wildflower, meet me for coffee, a facetime. It's still so strange that you will not appear somewhere saying hey, sorry I'm late. And it's even more strange that we are coming up on 12 years gone. That seems too long and then at the same time too short? Time is weird and it continues to remind me. No matter how far we are from this time in 2011, I still have the urge that I can outrun it.
Strong minded girls. The two of us. I just want you to know how much I miss you. How much I love you. How I wish you could be here, and I could be shopping for Christmas gifts or sending each other funny memes.
Pairing: AM x PM from Dear Alyssa (East Anderson High, #1)
Prompt: Fluff Bingo - Love Letter
One of the reasons why Alyssa looks forward to weekends is that she would always receive a handwritten letter from Paolo. He would tell her about his entire week through his letter. This has been their routine since he went to the city for him to study college.
Every time Alyssa gushes over the letter she's reading, Charmaine would comment, "Bakit ba kasi kayo nagtitiyaga sa mga letter na 'yan? May Messenger naman. Kung gusto niyo ng mail, may e-mail naman."
Inirapan lang niya ang kaibigan. "Inggit ka lang e."
Pabirong sinabunutan nito si Alyssa. "Sarap mong saktan, bes!" nanggigigil na sabi nito. Tinawanan lang ni Alyssa ang kaibigan. "E kailan mo ba sasagutin 'yang si Kuya Maki?"
Napaisip si Alyssa. They've been sending letters back and forth for six months now. Sometimes, Alyssa would think how their relationship would be like, especially that he's away for college.
Is she even ready for a serious and mature relationship with a college student? Are they gonna be able to maintain their relationship even if they are apart most of the times?
For this week's letter, Alyssa chose to pour out those questions to Paolo. It's better for her to be honest right now than just simply saying no to him just because she was scared, right?
The next week, Alyssa receives a new letter again from Paolo. This time, kinakabahan siya sa pagbukas. This is the first time she felt her hands shaking and her heart pounding.
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Dear Alyssa,
Katatapos lang ng finals week namin. Sunod-sunod ang Christmas party na a-attend-an ko ngayon. Meron sa block, sa dalawa kong orgs, at hiwalay pa yung sa aming magkakaibigan. Sobrang nakatulong nga pala yung mga suggestion mong ireregalo ko para sa kanila. Nakabili na ako kanina pa. Ibabalot ko na lang mamaya pagkatapos kong magsulat nito.
Miss na miss na kita, Alyssa. Excited na akong umuwi next week. Nakabili na rin ako ng regalo ko para sa 'yo rito. Sana magustuhan mo. Ikaw kasi yung naalala ko nung nakita ko 'yon sa mall habang bumibili ng mga regalo para sa Monito/Monita.
Kakabasa ko lang nung letter mo kanina. Masaya akong seryoso mong pinag-iisipan ang relasyon natin kahit na sabihin ng iba na masyado pa tayong bata para pumasok sa isang relasyon. I'd be a fool and a liar if I tell you that I'm not scared as well. But, Alyssa, I've been a coward for the longest time already and I don't want to be that person ever again.
Ayos lang kung matagal pa kita kailangan ligawan. Walang kaso sa akin 'yon basta hihintayin kita hangga't handa ka na. Kahit na magkalayo tayo, handa akong ipaglaban ang relasyon natin kahit ano mang mangyari.
time doesn’t seem real when I read that sentence back. being in quarantine for most of 2020 and having time to reflect on lots of things transports me back to that first year. The first year when it was painful to get out of bed or brush my teeth. That first year were a dark cloud of anger, grief, sadness and suicidal thoughts followed me around on a daily basis. Each day tempting me to succumb to the darkness but I fought. I fought to get out of that dark place. I fought to put one step in front of the other. I fought to build a life that you would be proud of.
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you not being here sucks. trying to navigate life without you has truly been the hardest thing and as time ticks on it’s just weirder to me that you are gone. Missing out on new bands, having Instagram filtered pictures or meeting your niece. I take comfort in the pink sunrises you make for me or playing our favorite songs on the radio. Thank you for making me a big sister and as I cry for you and miss you forever, I will make sure to always honor you. Honor your love of all things funfetti, your amazing advice and your ability to make anyone laugh. I love you Alyssa.
Twenty-nine. You would have been twenty-nine years old today. If that isn’t a mind fuck I don’t know what is. It’s funny, as life keeps moving forward, you are forever frozen in time. I can’t help but miss you more on days like today. Wondering what could have been, who would you be now, what job would you have, would you have gone to school, driven a car? How many adventures would you have crossed off your list by now? Would we be on one to celebrate this day? Your magical day my sweet unicorn. I hope you’re having a fun day playing cards with Mary-Mary and Uncle Freddie, jamming out with Marley and visiting all of us that miss you so much. I’m grateful for all the birthdays we had together, I just really wish we could have had many, many more. Especially this year. You would love her Alyssa. ✨
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We all celebrate you today Sissie. Wishing you were here with us. Looking for you in the signs & pink skies. I love you. Happy 29 🎂
“If ever there’s a tomorrow when we’re not together, there’s something you must remember…You are braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think…. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart, I’ll always be with you. “
🍯 Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh
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eight years you’ve been gone and time feels like a weird trick. You knew me as someone I’m not anymore. You knew different friends and different jobs and I wish you could know the things around me now in the way I want you to know them. You would like so much of it. I know that. Thank you for giving me the best gift 🍉. I know you’re celebrating it in the sunlight and in your favorite songs that follow me around. I miss you more than words could express and grateful for all the lessons you left with me. I wish we could have some more adventures but I’ll look for you in pink sunsets, inside jokes and blue butterflies 💕
You would have been 28 today. I was in a place you always wanted to visit and I tried to honor you the best I could. I miss you so much will always continue to wonder what you would be up to and who you would be.
I love you so much. Wish that we could go on more adventures together.
I know you are always with me, I just wish you were here 🖤♥️
