I am not alone. I know that. I have friends, i know that they will somehow understand my situation but I am shy about my feelings. I don't know how to admit everything, even to myself. I am in the verge of being a pathological liar. A toxic trait, I know. but if there is something that being toxic that makes me stick to the ways, I guess it is the comfort that it brings. Though my heart carries all the burden that even my mind refuses to comprehend, I still have this feeling that maybe, somehow, this toxicity would help me counter all the fears I have for myself. I don't like lying, I want to quit it. I want to be myself but what do you know? This version of me is not even the real me. It's like wanting to quit but you can't. I just can't stop. Or I don't know how to stop. Maybe I should start asking for help again, but what do you know? I am afraid. I am afraid. There is much more on being able to carry all the burden than being afraid but, I am scared. I am scared to be judged, to be hurt, to be betrayed. I am so scared of the world that I would rather find myself loss in the fabrics of lies than sort it out. I am scared for myself and for what I can do. I don't think my friends would understand that. It's just too hard to explain. Even so, I don't think I can accept whatever reaction they might have. I pretended long enough to know how they will react and how I will react. It's nasty. If I risk it all, then there is nothing for me. I am too lost. Maybe it's better that way.