𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔

𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚢 𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚍𝚢, 𝚠𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚘𝚖 𝚋𝚕𝚘𝚐 ●2023●

[qwaynes-stuff]

<3

the daylight hold you close, but tonight you are mine. :)

[qwaynes-stuff]

(DD)

i don't know if i should be disappointed with myself or not. would reinventing is the way to achieve what we truly desire or is it in embracing that comes the thought we are ought to be alone when all falls down? should we even bother to seek approval of the people whom we trust? or is it their betrayal that causes ripples in the tides that we should be prepared for? would we even bother to tell our crushing hopes when it is nothing but pure irrationality? how demeaning...

[qwaynes-stuff]

would you ever know?

when all internal pain and failures are starting to resurface, i began to wonder, would there ever be a time that you feel assured of something? does confidence even the basis of how should we attest and triumph the force of the mind to race a million thoughts all at once? or is it the heart that bleeds and yet shatters a million and more every time it is stabbed by disappointment? would you even know which part of you body hurts most when everything is crashing down in a blink of an eye? would you ever know?

[gloriouskittystrawberry]

hear me out... he's hot

[webtoonscreenshots]

Marriage of Convenience, by Antstudio and hanheun and KEN

[autumneverleigh]

idk i just wanna sit in a dark library at night in the candlelight wearing an oversized sweater and exchange glances over my book to my lover while the rain pours outside and feel at peace with the world

[valentina-poem]

[qwaynes-stuff]

I am not alone. I know that. I have friends, i know that they will somehow understand my situation but I am shy about my feelings. I don't know how to admit everything, even to myself. I am in the verge of being a pathological liar. A toxic trait, I know. but if there is something that being toxic that makes me stick to the ways, I guess it is the comfort that it brings. Though my heart carries all the burden that even my mind refuses to comprehend, I still have this feeling that maybe, somehow, this toxicity would help me counter all the fears I have for myself. I don't like lying, I want to quit it. I want to be myself but what do you know? This version of me is not even the real me. It's like wanting to quit but you can't. I just can't stop. Or I don't know how to stop. Maybe I should start asking for help again, but what do you know? I am afraid. I am afraid. There is much more on being able to carry all the burden than being afraid but, I am scared. I am scared to be judged, to be hurt, to be betrayed. I am so scared of the world that I would rather find myself loss in the fabrics of lies than sort it out. I am scared for myself and for what I can do. I don't think my friends would understand that. It's just too hard to explain. Even so, I don't think I can accept whatever reaction they might have. I pretended long enough to know how they will react and how I will react. It's nasty. If I risk it all, then there is nothing for me. I am too lost. Maybe it's better that way.

[qwaynes-stuff]

Less

when people are used to be contended with less, everything's been falling into place. I know that each of us should have our own ambitions and visions in life, but as i wake up everyday i see the point of living is based on how i breathe. if this was a movie it would be me in the middle of the frame, standing in a foreign street, as the camera zooms out you'll see a dozen of people passing by, completely ignoring me. you can also see them smiling, some even have their booze in hand, singing even... they are not the focus of the frame, but they are happy. as for me who's been staged from the start of the scene, there is nothing but dark grays and mellow music. there is life and there is none. as for me, i am slowly training myself to be contented with less, if there is more then it would be for appreciation. with less, you don't have expectations, disappointment is limited and there is no heart break. but sometimes, even for a wishful thinking... there are times when I just wished I was different from what I am now. right there is not contentment. I want to achieve more, I wish for more. but that is all a wish. when i start to wish everything comes crashing down in the end. disappointment comes in train that runs a hundred and fifty miles per hour. Tragic.. you see? That's why it should always be less.

[qwaynes-stuff]

I hate how i have to give a 40 percent of my energy to something i am forced to to do so. I don't like to study, but i have to. If im going to confess my memory is vague and i reqiure a refresher every here and then. I hate it. I wish I can go back to giving mg 80 percent amd expect the results I want without feeling the pressure of everything that is building up inside of me.

#Dear Haedth

[qwaynes-stuff]

I stopped thinking things would end up the same way again. I knew the wait of the decision was enough to cut all loose ends.

But unto what end?

I guess I'll never know.

It is a heavy burden you see.

The satisfaction of one's craving perhaps or the duty into one's endulgence. The truth is I'll never know. I feel like the world is ready to shut me off any minute. And sometimes i wonder if it's truly living i wish to do or is it the presence of death that continuesly remind me of my humbleness

It was not pride. I was never proud of my actions, if ever i was, it would be my own calamity. It will be the climax of my little desires, celebration towards the ending of my breathe. And there lies my great tomb, no name, no dates, long forgotten like the rest of the world that froze in the exact moment. A tradegy... if it was pity I would want i wish it to be more precise, accurate, something i had longed expected with a slight twist and turns . But it turns out how weakly such forth shite i have.

[qwaynes-stuff]

TBR for this March

Kind of thinking Dystopian Genres are cool. and since Exam weeks are approaching I might probably hurry up and read books. BTW here's my TBR for this March...

· Scythe - Neal Shusterman

· Unwind - Neal Shusterman

· The Declaration - Gemma Malley

Hopefully I'll finish these book by the second week of the month.

I'll try to post updates about my review. <3

[qwaynes-stuff]

Today's Diary

2.21.23

I didn't have much to think. Rather than knowing, I was in the process of harming myself again. I am still conscious while doing it. I tried to avoid or somehow face it but always returned to the same cycle. I can feel my attention span decreasing over time, and little joys in life didn’t work that well either. Yes, I can feel emotions and stuff today, but that does not guarantee tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow… I no longer like looking forward to my days, but I forced myself to. I can’t afford to slack at this crucial period. I have to win back my will. To survive this life, I have to take the shots and survive my mind first. The matters of my ideas and concepts are strong and overwhelming, and I must be stronger than any of them.