Okay, so here's the thing... I'm tired. I'm tired of being the only one working at our friendship. I'm tired of feeling like shit because of you- because honestly I don't even know if you're worth my time anymore. Back at West, I would call you and just wanted to have a normal conversation with you- and I would question you why you don't call or why I haven't seen you in a long time. You would just say “Well, you haven't called me or you haven't posted anything on my wall”and all those other shitty excuses that you've said. When a friend avoided and ignored you, you would be moping around and being depressed and wondered what you did wrong, and blame everything on yourself. You would chase after them and try to figure things out. When you got heart broken you would post up all these stupid statuses that clearly indicated who you were talking about. And at school you would be fucking depressed or sometimes even stop eating and cry. You would start saying all this crap saying that nobody's there for you to talk to and nobody cares about you. Okay then. So who was I?
You're telling me to work on our friendship when really- I've been the ONLY ONE working at it. Where do you come in? When's the time you're going to come up to me or call me or post a message on my wall saying hi? Or how was your day? I miss you? I never heard you say or ask those things to me. I've never felt that you were actually concerned about me, or that you actually ever cared. Don't try to prove me wrong- but I see the shit you post up on people's walls, specifically girls, and you would say, “Where have you been?! I haven't seen you in a long ass time! I miss you!” when really you haven't seen them in at least a week or two. You didn't see me since for about 5 months and I get a complaint of how I don't talk to you anymore. That's bullshit.
Do you remember when your ex broke up with you freshman year? Do you remember how you looked like? You were on the corner of our lunch table crying your eyeballs out and you wouldn't tell anyone what was wrong with you. People would just sit there and stare and have sympathy- then I came along and people would tell me to talk to you. And you did. You know how good of a feeling that is? That someone you really care about is having a bad day and they chose to talk to you, or they just want to let their heart out? That's called trust. Trust is something you obviously don't have for me anymore, and you would obviously tell your skinny- pretty girl- friends all about your life instead. Those girls that looked nothing like me.
I wrote you that letter, that I gave to you last week. I felt relieved for writing down all my feelings on paper and for once you would know almost exactly how I felt. My original plan was to give it to you and you would read it in front of me and we would talk about it. But no, we never talked about it. I feel that you just read and and every single word I wrote down meant nothing to you and it just flew above your head. I wanted to fix things. I wanted for you to see. But as of right now- I somewhat regret for giving you that stupid letter because it obviously didn't knock you in head and knocked some sense into it. I'm just nothing to you, aren't I?
Do you know how hurt I am Ish? That I put in as much effort possible for you to be in my life, and the other way around, and in the end I just realize that I don't mean anything to you as much as you do to me? Do you know how impossible it is to find someone like YOU? Someone to run to, talk to, make memories with, laugh your butt off with, feel some sort of connection with- a guy best friend? I had that and with all the stupid choices I made, I lost it. I don't even need to tell you that I need you in my life and that you're a big part of me, and without our friendship I wouldn't be who I am today- because I know it's not there anymore. I would really like to say that we're still close and everything, but if we take a step into reality- we're not anymore. We're just not. I guess you found somebody else to replace me, because that's exactly how I feel. And if “replaced” isn't the word, then it's “forgotten”.
I don't even call you "Kuya" anymore. And you don't even call me "Anak". All I'm asking for is a friendship so strong that I wouldn't ask for anything else. And you know what? I'm even going to add an apology to this letter. I'm sorry for asking for so much.
