Life is wild. Remember that job I applied for back in December, and how I heard back from them and they said they’d already hired someone? And how I tried to convince myself that I didn’t really want the job after all? Yeah, that was totally a coping mechanism. I did really, really want the job. Well, now I have it. Long story short, the person they hired had to drop out due to personal reasons. They interviewed me and a couple other applicants the Friday before last, and as soon as all the interviews were over—they called and offered me the job. (At a $2-an-hour higher pay rate than even the maximum they put on the job description! So they must really want me.) It’s all been a whirlwind. As I said, I got the job Friday before last, and I started a week ago yesterday. The first week went well, but it was mostly meetings and training, not much hands-on work, so it was just a lot of information coming at me all at once and it got a bit overwhelming.
This past Thursday, I had a really bad anxiety day. Partly about the job—I’ve never had a job exactly like this before, and it’s been a long time since I’ve had a job with a regular paycheck and steady hours. And the impostor syndrome hit me and I started thinking: “I can’t do this. I’m gonna fuck up real bad and they’re gonna fire me.” (I was looking for a job, and then I found a job—and heaven knows I’m miserable now.) I was also having anxiety around a Concerning Symptom I’ve been having. It’s not even really that concerning or that much of a symptom, but when I’m already feeling anxious, my brain notices any pain or strange sensation in my body and latches on to it, and convinces me that I am going to die imminently.
On top of those two things, I got an email from someone from my distant past. I was super super into him, on the verge of falling in love, and it seemed maybe like he felt the same way, but because of the circumstances of my life at the time, I wasn’t gonna go for it unless he made a move or straight up told me he was into me. But he never did, so nothing happened, and I just yearned from a distance and wrote a lot of angsty-sexy poems about him, and then he hooked up with this other woman we both knew and my heart kinda broke. And then I got over it, mostly; he became another person on the long list of people whom I still get a pang when something reminds me of them, but whom I don’t think about that often. Well. He and the woman he went for instead of me are going through a brutal breakup, and, to reference High Fidelity—he’s going through one of those ‘what does it all mean?’ things. And decided now was a great time to tell me that he was really, really into me back then, but he got scared, and went for the person who seemed like the safer choice, and now he regrets it. And now that he’s single again, he’s been thinking of me. Uggghhhh. I hate when dudes pull this type of shit. It’s like, man, there are five thousand reasons why nothing is ever going to happen now. Not the least of which are that a. I’m not single, and b. we live hundreds of miles away from each other. It pisses me off! I went through emotional hell due to our nearly almost nothing/whatever it was, but I got past it, and you wanna bring it up again now?!
So Thursday was pretty rough, but I did take a good chunk of it for self-care. I took a long, hot bath with epsom salts; I read a book. That evening, I had another work meeting, but it was fine.
And there have been good days since then. The weather has been warmer these past few days than it has been in months, and sunny! And in the upper midwest, especially after the extreme cold we had this January, that means it feels like spring! Friday, the kids had off school; D. went to hang out with the grandparents, and C. and I drove south to get lunch and then go to the historical museum. Everyone I encountered everywhere we went that day was so cheerful and friendly; I’m sure at least in part due to the spring-like weather. I got my platonic flirt on with several people. (I feel that there needs to be a new term that means ‘flirting but platonic,’ because flirting alone has a romantic/sexual connotation. Some would say that flirting platonically is just being friendly, but to me, there’s a different energy there.) Saturday, the grandparents watched both kids. P. and I went to a session of short films at the film festival, then came home and had some great sex, then we cooked a decadent meal together. I made baked brie with fig preserves for an appetizer, and he made ribeye steaks + rice pilaf + asparagus for dinner. Later, after the kids were asleep, we had more hot sex.
Yesterday was my first day actually in the office, working. I clocked in four hours and got a ton done, and I feel a lot less anxious about the job now that I’m actually doing it rather than just being inundated with information. Yesterday was even warmer (mid-40s!), so when I had to leave the office to drop some stuff in the mailbox at the post office, I took a little walk/smoke break. I walked down the road a little ways, sat by the big sculptures, basked in the sun, saw a wooly bear caterpillar, listened to the crows squawk. In the evening, P. made gumbo, and C. and I danced together to NoLa brass bands, NoLa hip hop, and Bad Bunny.
Still, I’m restless. As I’ve said before, no matter how good things are in my life, I always want something more. I can achieve brief moments of contentment, but as a whole, I am not built for contentment. And I’m full of nostalgia. It’s weird having moved up here, because though it’s a place I’ve never lived before, it’s been a huge part of my life for over 30 years, and for many of those years, I’ve spent so much time here that it’s been basically a second home. So I can’t really go anywhere without having some memory about what used to be there, or who used to be there. Sometimes they’re just fleeting thoughts, other times I’m hit with a wave of memories so strong it’s like I’ve been hurtled back into the past. Then again, Racine and Kenosha were like that for me, too. A lot of places are like that for me. And honestly, even if I were in a place I’d never been before, the memories would still be there. Case in point: I always think of Filia a lot around this time of year, and also Ruby, and so I keep having vivid memories of being with one of them in Philadelphia, NYC, D.C., Baltimore, though I am very far away from those places. I’m haunted, what do you expect? And it doesn’t help that the weather is feeling more spring-like (springtime makes me extra restless), and it doesn’t help that we’re nearing Pisces season (Pisces season makes me extra nostalgic). But I’ve been restless and nostalgic for as long as I can remember. That’s just my life. At least now I generally deal with both those things in less self-destructive ways than I used to.
