10 years gone today. . .
10 years. 10 years of memories lost, new ideas found, and a hole in my heart that will never quite be full. So much has happened in this significant chunk of time. Some big things (hey I live in a new state and have a baby that's named after you), and some small things (I like spicier foods now). But all these moments hold significant weight in my mind and in my soul. When you died, so much was taken from me. The naiveness I had for the world, the dreams I thought we would build together, the bond that only sisters can have. It evaporated so quickly I spent many of those first few years of you being gone in a dense fog. Trying to find any parcel of you, of myself, of the life that I thought I would have. But it was all gone. Just like you. And a new path was thrown in front of me. One I didn't want. The unfairness of it all coated all over me. And I spent the first five years of this loss engulfed in denial, depression and anger. Sitting at the start of this grief path, refusing to deal, to heal or to take one step forward. I then finally found myself in my therapist's office and she asked, what brought me here? I told her that my sister died and it has really fucked up my life and I needed help to not be succumb to the depression and the anger. And since then, I have begun the walk down this new path of life. Begrudgingly at times, five steps forward and then two steps back, through tears and screaming I have continued forward. Simply because I know it's what you would want of me. It's what you would demand actually. And I can't let you down. No matter how hard this is, how empty I can feel at times. I must continue on. Leaning on friends and family for support I'm able to do it. Truly. I'm so very grateful to those who continue to carry Alyssa's spirit and legacy on in their own lives. Whether it's asking me about her, listening to me when I'm in a low grief wave, taking rocks with you places and everything in between. I know my sister would be happy to know I have such good people in my life.
So here we are. 10 years into this and words will never quite capture how much I love, respect and miss you. So just thank you for being my sister. I love you forever
