Today I talked on the phone with my aunt and she said mentioned that every time she talks to me, it’s difficult or has some form of animosity stirred in the conversation. “You don’t laugh anymore” she continued as I sat there staring blankly at the wall, trying to muster up words to explain that this is the result of ongoing pain and depression. Parts of me wanted to go on and decompress all the pain that I’ve endured, but another part of me was angry for her not speaking up sooner. Try to save me from myself sooner. She went on and asked what she could do to take the pain away, to rid this darkness that I have submerged myself into. With one last sigh she told me that she loved me and the conversation ended on that note. I replayed the conversation for a bit, trying to recollect my thoughts when it dawned on me. What if I can never return to who I use to be? I mean she’s right. I don’t smile. Or at least not as often. I’ve become a more distant, colder version of myself stuck in the reality of it all. It’s like watching your life from the other side. You are completely aware of what is happening, but what you now know is in the form of a habit, almost engraved in who you are. My relationships with others were less important to me. I was less important to me.
It was not until I spoke to my friend KJ that made me see how unfair I was treating myself. She made me open up (which I never do) and spill out my truths, and one of those truths were: I have not taken responsibility of my life. I have wandered through life waiting for the next person to pick up where the last person left off yet. Praying to god that someone will take care of me. It never dawned on me that that someone could be myself. I never wanted that job because I was fearful of it. I did not want to take the next step of taking control of my life. I did not want to fail and disappoint myself.
The more I dissect this faulty characteristic of mine, the easier it is for me to overcome it. Now this idea that I am not strong enough to overcome my demons seems so irrational to me. I feel stronger now (not a lot, but I do acknowledge my growth and award myself with gestures of self-love). I have been taking myself for granted for too long and I owe it to myself to see that I accomplish all of my dreams.