#dearcat1

[khr-gilded-cage]

The Godfather sighs like he’s so sad and tired deep inside and Ichigo barely refrains from rolling his eyes. Manipulation is Kisuke’s game, it’s almost pathetic to watch. “My son has made some… bad choices. I am simply worried, it’s better that he recovers with family, where he belongs.”

Lol, you lied to him his whole entire life.

My fav quote from this story, from dearcat1.

Ichigo is having none of this senile old fucker's shit.

[dearcat1]

A Small Rant

TW: Abuse.

You know, for whatever reason, this puritanism thing making a comeback in fandom has been bugging me. It has been something that keeps popping up in my head and it just keeps coming back and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I couldn’t figure out exactly why it angers me so much, on a personal level. I just figured out why today. 

I usually don’t publish this sort of thing much except for this topic. Not because I’m blind to what’s happening in the world but because when I look around me and I see pain, I see chaos, I see injustice and I understand that sometimes, the only way we can keep fighting is if we take a moment every day to enjoy something uncomplicated. Something that allows us to unwind and recharge so that we can go on. I see my blogs as escapism, for myself and hopefully for my readers. I like to think that by publishing my stories, I give people the chance to take a small amount of time from their day and take a little step to the side. If only for a minute. 

And yet, as I said, this thing keeps bugging me, it keeps showing up in my mind and so, I took the time to sit down and swim through the murky waters that is my brain trying to make sense and I realized why. It’s fucking abuse, that’s why. It’s giving me flashbacks. Some of my readers might have read that one note where I made mention of it but I come from an abusive household, that’s how I grew up. It’s not something I usually talk about, especially not in my blogs. That’s because, once more, I want these blogs to be escapism, to be somewhere people can go and relax. Including myself. But it’s still part of what has made me who I am, no matter how much I despise that thought. It’s one of those ugly truths I’ve had to swallow. 

When people start talking about problematic, there’s no clear definition for it. It’s just what they think it is, what they decide it is at the moment. Plainly, it’s just their opinion. They claim they’re policing the fandom for the good of others but all I see is entitlement. What they are truly saying is: “You can’t write this, definitely can’t publish this and sure as hell can’t read this because I have decided that it hurts people. By myself, with no data to back me up and no mental health background to speak of.” This is a generalization, of course, but it’s what I mostly have seen in this ‘conversation’. But it’s not a conversation, there’s no interest in listening. The only interest is in obtaining compliance. Are you seeing it? Do you realize?

In the few cases where I see people actually having a conversation, explaining that sometimes writing about these things is a way of dealing with what has been done to us, the reply is usually along the lines of ‘don’t publish it’ or ‘that’s fucked up, that’s not how you should do that.’ And we, once more, should follow this advice because they know better. Do you know what that is? That’s gaslighting. That’s them telling you that the name-calling, the death threats, all of the violence they’re throwing at you would just go away if you just bent to them. If only you understood that they’re doing this for the wellbeing of others, and sometimes even yourself. 

My abuser used to say something similar to me, while he was hitting me, name-calling me and just generally ripping me apart, destroying who I was. He’d say: “This is happening because you have an attitude, because you refuse to listen to reason. If you only behaved yourself, there wouldn’t be a need for this.” Not so different, is it? It’s outstanding. 

And then some have the gall to go with the deceptive: “fine, explain your trauma to me so I can tell whether or not you should be allowed to do this.” Who died and made you king of the world? Your opinion is important but that does not, in any way, make it relevant. I, you, us, we owe these people no explanation. Why should I sit here and relieve my abuse for you to judge? Why should I sit here and allow you to step all over my boundaries like they're not there? Why should I lay bare years of pain and suffering followed by the slow dawning of realization and then, perhaps the hardest: years and years of desperately trying to grasp the pieces of who I used to be, of trying to decipher who I am and what’s a survival mechanism. The furious, helpless realization that I might never know! That I’m left with these broken pieces and some super glue and I have to make something out of it. 

Sometimes that means sitting down and writing what happened to me, changing it just enough to feel like I’m taking control back in a situation where it was snatched away from me. It hurts like hell but it’s the good sort of pain, like disinfecting a wound. It feels like hugging the little girl I used to be and letting her know that I got this now, I finally understand what was happening, that it was wrong, it was not my fault and it couldn’t have been. Who are you to tell me that I’m romanticizing the pain I lived through?

I’m glad you can read a situation like that and not see the messiness of it. But I lived it, I know how it breaks you apart. The knowledge that you might love somebody and yet you’re justified in fearing them. I’m glad you can read something like that and think it sounds poetic, or the image it paints is aesthetically pleasing. But when I wrote it, all I could think about is how something so beautiful can be so tainted. A sweet sort of poison that doesn’t even have the decency to make your death quick. You’re left there in pain and marked for the rest of your life. 

So maybe, instead of trying to put a flashlight through the broken pieces of me, you should take the time to look at the mirror and see the monster staring back. 

And maybe, just maybe, read the fucking tags.

In any case, I needed to share this. In case anybody needed the lightbulb moment, too. And just to get it off my chest.

[dearcat1]

Do you accept prompts? Cuz I had an idea about X27 in which Tsuna harmonizes with Xanxus and Xanxus just loves basking in his flames to the point where gets kinda drunk on them and it's adorable. Meanwhile Tsuna's guardians, the rest of the Varia, and literally everyone else is going wtf laince when did Xanxus turn into a cat?

So... I know I took forever but I hope you like this hahaha

I'm honestly happy with it.

(Sanity is overrated)

Summary 

Tsuna has come to believe, after years of Reborn induced chaos, that sanity is far too overrated. Also, cuddling your enemies is a valid strategy to win. You can fight him on that. Or don’t, Tsuna’s hugs are known to be the best. 

Story

No matter how much of his attention is being essentially sucked in by this fight, Tsuna can't help but be a little amused by the whole situation. Probably Reborn's influence, to be honest. Three years of absolutely crazy training and his sanity has no doubt cracked. In multiple places, all over the place. If one's being honest, Tsuna isn't even sane anymore. He's just very good at pretending that he is.

Woop, there comes the gun. Tsuna ducks under the attempt to brain him, steps into Xanxus's space and connects an uppercut into the man's solar plexus. Xanxus wheezes, folds forward until Tsuna is mostly holding him up. Big all over and hard muscles everywhere. How distracting. Not the moment Tsuna, concentrate. He wedges a foot between Xanxus’s legs and pushes the man back with his shoulder.

He’s expecting Xanxus to fall back, regroup somehow. Shoot at him. Again. Good luck to him, Tsuna has spent the last three years of his life being shot at by Reborn. Varia Commander or not, Xanxus has nothing on the hitman. Also, a part of Tsuna’s brain has learned to identify warning shots as expressions of affection and Xanxus sure is fond of them.

It’s mixing Tsuna up. Tsuna is a bit of a mother-hen with his people and, in his professional opinion as a manager of strange traumatized mafia guys, what Xanxus needs isn’t a fight over some stupid jewelry but rather a bed, some warm food and maybe some disguised or undisguised coodling. Tsuna doesn’t have that part pegged yet. 

Xanxus, however, decides to surprise Tsuna by not only actually falling but actively dragging Tsuna down with him. They end up as a tangled mass of limbs, Tsuna covering Xanxus with his body almost protectively, Xanxus’s head bracketed by Tsuna’s arms. Now, no matter what Reborn will despairingly say in the future, this is 100% Reborn’s fault. It is, after all, Reborn who has normalized violence to Tsuna.

Even more, it is Reborn who made Tsuna not only comfortable with being around guns but also made him feel all warm inside when they’re aimed at him. Therefore, Reborn’s fault. The point is that this is not a position Tsuna is unused to being in, the violence, the spar and then the almost aggressive start of what seems like a cuddle.

All of his guardians, not counting Lambo yet, do this. They fight him until they get exhausted and then drag him over them for protection and affection or something of the like. So when Xanxus falls instead of falling back and drags Tsuna over him. Tsuna reacts on instinct. He flares his flames wide, warm, comforting and inviting and smoothers Xanxus in them. 

Then, of course, he winces. Because it’s one thing to do this to his guardians and another all-togehter to do it to another Sky. A rival one at that. But when Tsuna moves to stand up again, Xanxus makes a tiny sound on the back of his throat, a little thing that could be complaint or longing and Tsuna hesitates long enough for Xanxus to tangle his hand on Tsuna’s shirt.

Alright, then. Tsuna licks his lips, smothering Xanxus in his flames with a little more confidence, and then he casts a look around, deciding how to move them. As nice as the position can be, Tsuna doesn’t exactly look forward to being run through by a sword or something if Xanxus’s guardians find them first. 

He ignores Xanxus’s slight grumble and rolls over, sitting on the floor among the rubble, with his back against the half destroyed wall. Xanxus, for his part, sighs like all of this is the biggest inconvenience to him. A deep, loud sigh that sounds so overly dramatic that Tsuna can’t help but smile. “Come here,” he guides Xanxus to straddle his lap, legs at either side of Tsuna’s waist and forehead hidden against his neck. “There you go.”

Ha! Tsuna is an expert in this shit. Also, there’s no way he’s complaining about 80kg of pure muscle being draped all over him. 

“Oh, fuck,” Xanxus mutters, curling tighter around Tsuna. “You little shit, am drunk.”

Ah, that explains it. Then again, Xanxus can’t be all that mad, not with the way he is all but crawling into Tsuna, nuzzling his forehead against Tsuna’s neck. Now, when he comes out of it, it might be a different story but for now, Tsuna might as well enjoy this surprisingly sweet side of his rival. “Yeah?” He tangles his fingers into messy black hair and pets Xanxus carefully, waiting to see if Xanxus will allow it. “Like that?”

“Hmm,” Xanxus arches into the caress like a cat and then a big hand is grabbing Tsuna’s free hand and pushing it to join in. 

Alright then, Tsuna is taking that as an agreement. “Greedy,” he teases but concedes, petting Xanxus back in slow long strokes. Like he’s trying to make a point, Xanxus’s flames latch onto his and pull, attempting to burrow under his. Cute. Tsuna smiles and gives him what he wants, sighing ruefully when he feels the bond settle into place. Tsuna doesn’t regret it for a second but if anybody asks, it was entirely Reborn’s fault. 

Xanxus goes boneless with a satisfied little sound, pressing his nose into Tsuna’s skin. Honestly, people as deadly as this man have no right to be this cuddly. It’s like hugging a tiger. Yes, it’s cute as all hell. Magistic, even. It can also kill you by accident with one big swipe. But then again, for Tsuna it just adds to the charm. Reborn has already cracked Tsuna’s sanity. He has nobody to blame but himself. 

Still, cute. And sexy. But mostly cute. Giving in to impulse, Tsuna kisses the crown of Xanxus’s head, finger rubbing back and forth against Xanxus’s cheek. 

Over him, Xanxus hums, smug and satisfied, “‘gain.”

“Greedy,” Tsuna repeats but complies regardless, dropping another kiss on top of Xanxus’s head. 

It’s to that scene that Squalo and the rest of the guardians arrive to, “VOOOI! What the fuck, trash?!”

To be fair to him, the swordsman sounds more surprised than insulting and Tsuna snickers. Xanxus is not nearly as amused, he unfurls from on top of Tsuna with a snarl, reaching from his guns. Tsuna shushes him gently, he’s honestly more used to handling violent elements than he should be. Even more used to handling in-fighting when somebody’s pride gets unavoidably trampled on. 

“Come on,” Tsuna murmurs gently, carding gentle fingers through Xanxus’s hair. 

Half-out of Tsuna’s lap, Xanxus scoffs but looks consideringly between his Rain and Tsuna. Finally, he decides on taking one warning shot towards his guardians even as he crawls back into Tsuna’s arms. Eh, good enough, Tsuna decides and turns his head to kiss the cheek that Xanxus is rubbing against him, smiling at the contented grunt it earns him. 

“Mine,” Xanxus declares, still clearly flame-drunk but just as clearly possessive. He’s watching Tsuna from under his lashes, once more draped all over him. 

“Hmm,” Tsuna cups Xanxus’s cheek, pulls him up so that he can reach and pecks the man’s parted lips. “Yours,” Tsuna agrees, letting his other hand grab a hold of Xanxus’s hip. “Mine.”

At that, Xanxus shudders and nods, “yours.”

[dearcat1]

I've been thinking on diversifying a little. I love KHR, it's still my favorite playing ground but I've been itching to play with other source material, too.

What I'm going to do is finish queuing up the two days of KHR drabbles that I have already mostly done and then add maybe a day or two for Naruto and Bleach. I don't know what I'm going to write about but I'm going to add in another day for original content as well. It's going to be a little overwhelming but I'm thinking about writing my own book one day so I'm going to need the experience.

[dearcat1]

So I have a tiktok but when I created it, I created under this name. For reasons.

I just noticed that I somehow have 3 followers, despite me thinking I was being very sneaky. Now I'm worried those are 3 readers that were expecting me to put on content at some point. What sort of content would I even upload?

[dearcat1]

(Ten Years)

Part 1 of Isolation

This is not how things are usually done, Xanxus knows this. He also doesn’t particularly care. Xanxus hasn’t made it as far in life as he had by sitting back and letting things fall as they may. Still, it had been a bit of a surprise. Ten years do make a big difference but Xanxus had had no interest in seeing the little trash again. Then again, ten years make one hell of a difference. If nothing else, Xanxus’s first thought at seeing the brat again can be defined by surprise.

Surprise all over. 

For one, the brat might still look like a gentle soul but there’s power in his movement, confidence in the way he walks. It’s almost enough to make Xanxus doubt his own memories of the Ring Battles. Sawada back then had looked like nothing more than a puppy playing at hunting. Now though? That’s the pack alpha there, Xanxus can recognize that, however grudgingly. Sawada walks into the room like a man who knows he’s in control.

And he is, Xanxus admits. He really is. It’s enough that a part of Xanxus sits up and takes notice, the same way it always has for anything around him that has the possibility of either becoming a threat or an interest. What a fucking mess. Fucking Squalo, who gave him the right to get sick just in time for this damned meeting? Xanxus is going to make the shitty shark’s life hell as soon as the asshole gets a little better.

It’s no fun if Squalo doesn’t fight back. 

Then it happens, the second surprise that almost manages to make him splutter. There are greetings, of course there are. Vongola is pack, it’s normal, it’s how it’s done. That’s not what surprises Xanxus, though he idly entertains the idea of biting Sawada’s hand when his turn comes. Except that Xanxus doesn’t have to wait for his turn, Sawada greets him first. That alone is enough to make Xanxus stop, open his eyes to stare. 

But added to that is the fact that Sawada not only greets him first but the way he greets Xanxus. It’s not the barely there touch Xanxus is by now used to, fingers ghosting over his neck. No, it’s Sawada’s wrist rubbing firmly against Xanxus’s scent gland, fingers curling over Xanxus’s nape. A proper greeting, more than that even. Possessive and warm, Xanxus resists the urge to shiver by sheer force of will.

Fuck Sawada, honestly. 

After that, though, Xanxus can’t help but pay attention to Sawada. He almost convinces himself that there’s not much to watch out for, until the next event. An event that Xanxus would have ignored before, or sent Squalo to, but Xanxus is curious now, so he goes. There’s a lot to watch, to take in. From the ease with each Sawada handles the pack to the way the omegas look at him, wanting and waiting. 

Xanxus supposes it’s strange, Sawada has been Don for years now. He should have picked a mate by now but he doesn’t seem to be showing any interest in any of the available members of the pack. Not even that Kyoko girl. Xanxus almost leaves the damn party when he realizes that he’s not indifferent, that he actually wants Sawada’s attention on him. But then again, Xanxus isn’t one to run away.

Which brings him back to his original thought. This isn’t how this is normally done. Usually it’s the alpha of the pack who chooses his mate, the available omegas are left to wait and see. Seducing him is fair game, of course. But the decision is ultimately left to the alpha. Xanxus, however, doesn’t have it in him to send Sawada heated little looks or to leave his heat scent near the man. 

That said, he wants Sawada, so he’ll get him somehow. Xanxus stands, making his way to the man’s table. No hurry, no, but no hesitation either. “Sawada.”

“Leaving already?” Sawada asks, looking Xanxus over and raising a hand to beacon him closer. 

“Hmm,” Xanxus stays still as Sawada inspects the bruises that the last mission left on Xanxus’s arm, he leans in a little into the gentle petting to his hair. “Yeah, spar next week?”

Sawada’s fingers tighten slightly over Xanxus’s nape but he doesn’t seem displeased so Xanxus doesn’t react. “A spar, hu? Alright.”

🐾AO3 ● Twitter ● Ko-Fi🐾

[dearcat1]

Hello dear readers!

This is me announcing that I'm momentarily closing prompts until I'm both done answering the current ones and uploading the queue of drabbles for next year.

You're free to send me asks, of course! But no prompts until further notice, please!

Hopefully, it won't take long but I'm honestly pretty sure it wont.

Asks pending: 8

2021 Drabbles Completed: 116

[dearcat1]

Just found the Kawa AU! Dying to know how she handles the mafia ! (And Reborn abusing her Tsu)

In theory, she's mafia before Tsuna! What with her having pretty much escaped to become an assassin. Also, she's somewhat of a prankster so she does appreciate Reborn's love for chaos.

Besides, in this 'verse, Tsu was already half trained by Kawa herself, unsealed and with far better self-esteem. Meaning, there's far less torture and far more crazy training stunts that Tsuna takes at face value since Kawa did train him via games and playing pranks.