Overthinking
A lot on my mind. So much, in fact, that sleep is nearly impossible. I’ve resorted to writing again. It wasn’t until I realized that I had wrote the same sentence 5 times in a row that I knew I needed to put the paper down and try to figure out exactly what it meant to me. “She contemplated testing the waters, but dove head first instead”. The way my life is currently going, this could mean a number of things. I tend to dive head first with all things. Love life, work life, social life, etc. So why is it that I’m just now hesitating? And what am I hesitant about? Could it be the path I’m going down? Could it be the unfortunate companion I have for this new journey? Both of those are reasonable and rational things to be hesitant about. The path I’ve chosen is going to be incredibly difficult but worth it in more ways than I can count. The companion on the other hand poses a very serious problem. This person is very unreliable yet reliable at the same time. They can be level headed, but their choices are questionable at best. Another incredibly concerning issue, I have deep seeded feelings for this person that I thought I had mostly shaken until tonight. And that, my friends, is the biggest problem of them all. How can I even attempt to keep our “partnership” strictly platonic if all I want to do is rip their shirt off and run my fingers through their hair? I’ve got to either A) get a grip and force myself to see them as they truly are or B) bury those feelings until they eventually fade away. (By now you should all know that I will chose B since I am completely incapable of seeing anyone’s true nature)
Another subject, my stability. I am well aware of my inconsistency in regards to emotions. Especially as of late. But I think tonight my ability to experience every spectrum of emotion simultaneously was extremely exaggerated. I have been called unstable which feels like a shot to the head. I pride myself on being able to hide certain emotions from certain, most, people. Yet I was called unstable for opening up and letting loose a few “bad” feelings I was having. Hm. Back to a closed book it is. Though it has me thinking back to every conversation I’ve had in the past 2 months with each person I’ve encountered. Was I talking irrationally? Were my thoughts put to word completely incoherent and jumbled? Did I make a fool out of myself every time I opened my mouth? The answer is more than likely yes. I have a hard time dissecting each thought and separating them into plausible sentences. Maybe it’s something I need to work harder on. Maybe I should simply pause before reacting while conversing. Though I don’t think this will help, I’ll give it a go. I’m a bit too passionate to stop myself sometimes.
And that, my loyal and dubious followers, is all for this evening. Send me some asks (anon or otherwise) to let me know your opinions in regards to tonight’s episode of “Gabrielle’s Off Her Rocker”.