#deathbyawriter

[deathbyawriter]

it's inevitable. i will never be rid of you. you will always follow me around, in the deepest parts of my mind, and i can never escape from the thought of you. how can i when i dream of you even after not speaking/seeing each other for over a year? how can i when i stull think of you after 2 years of us not being together? how can i when i dream of you in my bed besides the man i've been filling it with for the past 2 years? how truly sad that is. how truly tragic it is. i essentially wrecked us; you're the one who tried so hard to get us back. but i'm the stupid one who said i had no individuality in the relationship. i was the stupid one who felt like i couldn't grow beside you. maybe i couldn't have. maybe i was meant to break away from you. but what does that say about coming back? i can't come back to you without breaking his heart, without losing him as a friend. i daydream of you, not him. so what should i do? i've gone through this pain 3 or 4 times since we went separate ways. how is this hopeless time any different? but compared to you, my relationship with him will only be filled with a lot of settling for second-best (maybe not even second). however, i will never be over you. my heart still aches for you everyday. and it's so fucked up. because i could never love another like i have loved you. i could never because at times, i'm sure that i'm still in love with you. and i always will.

[deathbyawriter]

still plagued by thoughts of someone else

[deathbyawriter]

I'm a simple gal. I read fanfiction on the internet (for relationship advice) and watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Daria, or Veronica Mars on Hulu (for life advice)!

[deathbyawriter]

starting over

[deathbyawriter]

"You don't ever have to be stronger than you really are

When you're lying in my arms, baby

You don't ever have to go faster than your fastest pace

Or faster than my fastest cars

I shouldn't have done it, but I read it in your letter

You said to a friend that you wish you were doing better

I wanted to reach out, but I never said a thing

I shouldn't have done it, but I read it in your letter

You said to a friend that you wish you were doing better

I wanted to call you, but I didn't say a thing

Two, three, four

Oh, I'll pick you up

If you come back to America, just hit me up

'Cause this is crazy love, I'll catch you on the flip side

If you come back to California, you should just hit me up

We'll do whatever you want, travel wherever how far

We'll hit up all the old places

We'll have a party, we'll dance 'til dawn

I'll pick up all of your Vogues and all of your Rolling Stones

Your favorite liquor off the top shelf

I'll throw a party all night long

You don't ever have to be stronger than you really are

When you're lying in my arms, and, honey

You don't ever have to act cooler than you think you should

You're brighter than the brightest stars

You're scared to win, scared to lose

I've heard the war was over if you really choose

The one in and around you

You hate the heat, you got the blues

Changing like the weather, oh, that's so like you

The Santa Ana moves you (two, three, four)

Oh, I'll pick you up

If you come back to America, just hit me up

'Cause this is crazy love, I'll catch you on the flip side

If you come back to California, you should just hit me up

We'll do whatever you want, travel wherever how far

We'll hit up all the old places

We'll have a party, we'll dance 'til dawn

I'll pick up all of your Vogues and all of your Rolling Stones

Your favorite liquor off the top shelf

I'll throw a party all night long

Oh, I'll pick you up

If you come back to America, just hit me up

'Cause this is crazy love, I'll catch you on the flip side

If you come back to California, you should just hit me up"

[deathbyawriter]

I don't feel like I'm in love with you anymore. I don't think I'm in love with anyone anymore.

[deathbyawriter]

I feel the melancholy rip through me every time I think of you. I don't want to feel this anymore. I'm tired of being sad and waiting for you when you're clearly over me. I wish there was a chance to be normal again sometimes, but I know I will always be anything but normal. I think I'm happy with that. I don't want to be normal; I just want things to feel normal again for me. Because how does one function when their whole world is thrown off-kilter? How do I function when you were the one to always lift me up? How do I function when you don't exist in my world anymore? How do I function when I know I will never feel your presence again? Yet, I persevere. I persevere through it all: all the pain, all the heartbreak, all the sadness that creeps into my mind in the morning and during the day and at night. I don't care to write in order to be poetic for anyone anymore. I write for myself because no one will ever appreciate me the way I could appreciate myself. My dreams teach me that. My life experiences have taught me that. So for now, I have to forget you. I have to forget you, and I have to never lose myself in another person again until I find myself. You did not create my happiness; you only delayed my sadness. I have to make myself believe that we were not meant for each other. I have to say that we are not soulmates. I have to keep telling myself that you did not love me in the right way. Because some days were glamorous, but others were absolute shit. You, you, you were not my masterpiece, and I was never your pretty baby. True love might exist, but what we had was toxic from the start. We were too fucked up to begin with, so why did we ever think anything good could have come out of that? I'm saying that there are faults on both ends. We were both in the wrong mostly, and we couldn't see past our own pride to overcome it. In the end, I just want to say sorry for the pain I caused and the chaos that ensued, but you were just as much to blame. And I can't keep living my life in shame when all I did was leave you to find myself. I can't keep wanting you when I'm the one who left.

[deathbyawriter]

This is what paradise looks like to me.