#deathduty

[athenaquinn]

[del: It was you, wasn't it? Why do you insist on hurting the people I care about? Wasn't Lydia enough for y] I am more attractive than you.

Now that's just not correct, and I think we both know that. I've heard lying is quite terrible, you know.

[chasseurdeloup-retired]

[Delivered to Kaden’s by a sweaty young man is a completely normal apple pie that isn’t actually filled with knives (it is) with a framed painting of Kaden falling down the stairs stuck on top, a realistic looking retractable knife that Deirdre hopes Kaden will be fooled by and pet stairs. Though the gift meant to arrive on the 11th, miraculously it arrives on his birthday.]

Happy stairs anniversary

- Your ex-wife 

[virgil-achyls]

@deathduty​

What kind of plants do you think are cool?

All of them? There’s so much more of a variety than I’m used to. It just feels like everywhere I look I see something new, and I just want to keep looking at every plant I see instead of scouting for places to hunt. It’s a shame nothing really blooms at night. 

I personally like the ones that’re carnivorous. I just love the idea of this plant whose entire purpose is to eat whatever is stupid enough to wander into it! 

[drowningisinevitable-retired]

[pm] Pool noodles are used to help people float in the water. They are not edible. I’m sorry to have gotten your hopes up.

[pm] So I gathered. I suppose it was worth the try.

A saetimp gave me a tattoo of a mushroom that’s practically on my arse. Please never let me near any sort of mushrooms ever again.

[thronesofshadows]

[pm] I'm back from New Zealand and don't think you can escape telling me about your girlfriend. Is she hotter than me? Trick question: no one is hotter than me.

[pm] Oh good I am glad you did not leave me too

How was New Zealand? Is it as beautiful as photographs show?

My girlfriend is the most attractive ever but you are my hottest friend. Two things can be true. Besides, if I say you are the hottest ever than I am a bit concerned your girlfriend will be rather displeased.

@deathduty

[gravityfissure]

deathduty replied to your post “Honey, have you got more toasters?”

WOW! You're the best husband. I'm so glad we're married. I would sell you for one dollar, that's how much I love you :)

Oh boy! I’m so pleased to hear that. One WHOLE dollar? That’s a whole lot. Wow!! I’d do anything to make you happy Deir

@deathduty

[juniperrivers]

Jalopy, I’m so proud of you for your (egg) motherhood. As your father, I’m very excited to be a grandfather. What are you naming your child?

YOU’RE NOT MY FATHER. STOP CALLING YOURSELF MY FATHER. I’m not naming it anything because it’s an EGG and somebody already said they wanted it. >:[

[walker-journal]

[pm] Greetings child. It appears that [del: you know better than to insult my girlfriend, and-] it's your birthday. Do you desire [del: what do kids like] slime?

Huh, the only innuendos I can make out of this are traumatic 

Do I want slime? Like...I’v never thought about it?

[The user decides to ask his fraternity brothers if he wants slime. Confused but enthusiastic DIE guys are polled around the dorms. Bro-mocracy has spoken]

Yes, definitely!