cw: mental health, recovery, medical issues, chronic pain. not going into details at all but mentioning how heavy it can be.
(you don't have to read and comment. genuinely, i just don't know why but feel like sharing.)
My mental and physical health have not been great lately.
Recovery from surgery has been kicking my ass. I thought it would be fine because it's not my first rodeo and the first day was truly not that bad.
I was like "Oh I've had way worse!". But I somehow forgot that I have preexisting issues and chronic pain, so it all adds up.
But it's more than that. Lately (before the surgery, even before my holiday) pain and fatigue have made me very fed up with everything, and that worries me. I feel like I'm having a biased view of everything, like something dark is clouding my eyes and even my heart.
I don't want to change, I don't want to impose anything on anyone, I want to be kind and gentle always, but pain has made me more grumpy, tired, annoyed, prone to see the bad rather than the good.
And also being autistic has its own issues. Everything is always so intense, with so many sensory needs. It's like a pile of things I don't want to deal with but I have to.
I also really worry about going back to work in three weeks. Our boss warned us that the period between end of August till December will be difficult. The issue is, every period has been difficult. And because the sector is truly horrible rn, it's like running around, stressed af, doing a million things at the same time, fighting impossible deadlines, worrying all the time, but still having to say "Oh, but we're the lucky ones."
It's very bleak and I'm sure many people experience this right now.
I can't help but feel this is not good to me, my mental health and my nervous system but because it's worse everywhere else, what is there to do? I can't leave (right now), I don't want to say on sick leave. So it's about changing myself and how I perceive things, because I won't be able to change the system. But it's not easy. And being that fed up and in pain mean I truly have enough sometimes.
This week I talked to the nurse tending to me. She said that a year ago, she took as many painkillers as I do, and it was normal to feel the way I did, that pain can affect how we perceive the world. Still, I always say there might be a reason but not always an excuse. That's not something I'll say to others, but to myself.
Yesterday I visited my parents and explained what I usually avoid explaining about my medical issues. Got a hug from them both. Mom was also adamant that I have a right to be angry sometimes, which was… cute of her and I needed to hear that. And then they always do this thing where they somehow manage to make my favorite food appear on the table. I left feeling loved and cared for.
And that brings me to a general feeling I always have, that I am very grateful no matter what. The goal is not to compare, but I am aware that it could be way worse. I have seen way worse.
Anyway, dad asked me to tackle the issues one by one and I am doing that. It will take time because every appointment can take a while.
But time will pass anyway.
Ah well. The good thing is that I can knit a little now and do some very slow diamond painting. I have my games (I've been trying Palworld, too, it's fun), my books, some tv shows even. There's not a lack of things to do. And while I'm out of breath, I can rest on my bed. It's not the end of the world.
Fandom wise, I need to update and share some transcripts and contact the references I was given regarding a wiki for MEL (very grateful people shared and helped!!!). I'm mad at myself because I feel like I often go back to people saying something like "I haven't forgotten you but-". I'm aware it's fan stuff and I can breath a little, but still. I gotta lock in and do better. Hopefully soon.
Playing ME3 right now also makes me think about starting a Javik transcript, he's always saying interesting things lore-wise.
