Dear Spyd…erman,
I truly hope you are wrong. I truly hope there is nothing wrong with your brain. I know you want to find SOMETHING wrong with you. I can understand that. But if you find that something, it will define your life. But I am just speaking from my personal experience. I used to not know what anxiety feels like. And now I go into everyday, knowing that there might be something that causes my anxiety levels to spike. So I prepare myself the best I can, already knowing where I can hide while I wait for anxiety levels to go down. Depression used to be just a word. Something I would hear when talking about mental health. And now I am taking vitamins to feel more normal. The other day, I actually felt content. I felt happiness. I felt fucking joyful for a bit. At work, where my depression can be the greatest, I felt happy. It's been a long time since I felt joy. And it fucking happened because I am taking fucking vitamins. I have troubles feeling happy on my own. I have troubles feeling anything but numbness, the need to die, the desire to die, and feeling hollow. Those are just a few. I have often felt dead inside. I even googled "How to feel alive" because I did not feel it. I did that in September. You want something to be wrong with you. But if something is wrong, then on the bad days where everything seems to be going against you, you'll look at yourself and only see what is wrong. You will not see what is RIGHT. You will not see how you can make people smile. You will not see how easy it is for people to join you in laughter. You will not see how amazing you are. But if you truly want something to be wrong with you, then go ahead and look. But please enjoy life right now, as healthy brained. Please just bask in its glory. Please. Pretzel Ofthefromhere
