May 12
need an older woman to kidnap me and starve me until im too weak to escape or fight back is this so much to ask
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need an older woman to kidnap me and starve me until im too weak to escape or fight back is this so much to ask
im around 220 (not using my scale, so unsure) but thats like. 30-40lbs down from my highest weight. but my stomach still looks fucking huge im gonna lose my shit. if i put all this in just to be "skinny fat" i Swear To God
im really sad guh. like. i dunno. i just have a sinking feeling that the girl i like doesn't like me. i know it's probably just that i'm out of town and she just like. doesn't talk a lot through text. but. gah. im gonna get back nd she's not gonna wanna spend time with me.
and also like. when i get back i KNOW im gonna be so awkward and nervous because i haven't seen her in a bit and it's either gonna take forever for me to relax or i'm gonna have to drink or get high just to get back to where i was before.
i just. guh. i feel like she can tell how desperate and anxious i am and it's gross because i'm gross and i'm trying to move way too fast for where i'm at mentally.
i just. guh. i can accept liking someone more than they like me but it still Sucks.
i just wanna be small nd cute nd breakable nd (wo)manhandle-able nd. fucking. ugh.
i need need need to lock back in.
at lesst maybe i can use getting my wisdom teeth out as an excuse to not eat much for the next few days.. next week maybe.. ?
i'm worried about when i go to texas... goin out with friends... visiting my favorite restauraunts.. guh. at the very least i can probably do OMAD while there? eating like shit but still keeping my cals down at least.. ?
feeling much better abt my hair but also still feeling horrid about my body. ive been eating way too much. snacking. i dont have enough distractions without chores or friends or anything :( i did better today, but my mom asked me about eating dinner nd i couldnt just say "oh i'll eat later" because im getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow and wont be able to eat past midnight, so i know if i said i'd eat later she'd be worried abt me eating past midnight.
getting my wisdom teeth out ALSO meant i had to skip my mounjaro (glp-1 med) so i think ive been hungrier than i should be, ugh.
that nd i got some bloodwork back, nd my a1c is HORRID. which fucking sucks bc ive been losing nd my blood sugar has been better with my restriction. but it literally went up. and it's like. im so embarassed by how high it is :<
but i just ate sushi for breakfast nd then some curry (+rice) for dinner. both not the best for me but not the worst either at least. i haven't been tracking cals but i def should sigh.
if anyone has any good like cal estimation apps or sites lmk. i wanna calculate abt how much a serving of my curry is.
i might try nd switch to light coconut milk, idk.
(nsfw) does anyone else get super triggered by porn? 😭 esp amateur stuff. i like getting stuff from reddit bc i pref. like. Real trans bodies, nd that's just the best place for free stuff ive found.
but the flip side is seeing people who look how i wanna look who are just.. regular people. more typical porn is so fake and so far off from how i wanna look that i can ignore it. but when i see a random trans guy with a tiny waist nd cute ass on r/t4tporn it's like. oh. peopl3 just look like that. and i could. but i dont.
back up to 225.8 from 222.8 and feeling horrid ugh
i feel really frustrated with my gf and it's making me feel horrible. i just. i REALLY wish we were on the same wavelength cleaning wise. she's trying her best and i know she is but coming home and seeing the apartment messier than i left it is just. i cant