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I literally wake up every day and for first like 30 seconds everything is totally normal and then air raid sirens go off inside my brain and it goes YOU WERE IN A FUCKING CULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I go OH MY GOD I WAS IN A FUCKING CULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then it feels like in the movies where they make the camera flip upside down to indicate that the character just had their world totally fucking rocked
Oh my god it's a cult. I was in a cult. What the fuck?? I was in a cult??? I was in a cult. I can't believe I was in a cult. How could I have been in a cult?? That was basically a cult?????? A cult. I was in a cult. What the hell and fuck
As the me-who-was-transfeminist slowly integrates with the rest of me, I can see how much friction existed in me between that part and other parts. There were, in fact, parts of me that did not fully buy into gender ideology, that sought out writings by radical feminists during the windows where they had some control, that questioned a great deal of the rhetoric I was hearing, but these parts represented a massive threat to the incredibly small support system I have and had to be kept away from consciousness as much as possible. So many of my problems come from the fact that I never exited "survival mode." There was never a moment where all of me was able to recognize that I was safer now, that I was free, that I had real agency. Almost every decision I've ever made up until this point in my life had been on the basis of one question: will this keep me alive for another day? Nothing else mattered, including my own misgivings about the ideology and community I was enmeshed in. Including the possibility that I was being abused or exploited. When you're stuck in this survival mindset it becomes very easy to do awful things to yourself and others. Like the drowning person who drowns the person trying to save them, in your panic you can't understand the gravity of your actions. Everything is blotted out except for survival. So any threat had to be viciously, ruthlessly eliminated. The parts that came up against the me-who-was-transfeminist had to be buried. I knew no other community. I was convinced real feminists despised me, and that I would despise them. Nowhere to go. I am a small, timid woman. I am not brave. Like my mother, I became convinced that finding some semblance of safety in this world required the sacrifice of your soul. It required you to cut yourself into pieces and throw away the parts of you that did not conform properly. On some level I believed that to survive as a woman in this world, you had to abandon yourself.
Now I can't even cry to my current favorite crying song (harvest sky by oklou feat. underscores) anymore because there's a MAN on it. God I used to looooove underscores. Now I have to take "her" vinyl outside and throw it like a frisbee into the woods so it can be reclaimed by nature. I can't believe this
Honestly I don't know if I'm bisexual. I call myself that because it's what I came out as when I was a teenager, but I don't know. I could be gay. I could be straight. Whatever authentic sexuality I had was completely eclipsed by trauma reactions and dumb bullshit with my gender. For my whole life my only fantasies have involved me being degraded or humiliated in some way and I don't want to engage in that anymore but in its place is... nothing. There's just nothing there. There is no organic sexuality underneath the fucked up fantasies I developed to cope with being objectified. It's like my sexual development was just frozen in time at the age of 14 or 15.
I'd like to announce that it's pride AND my birthday month AND I just got out of spending 15+ years in a man cult and I'm like really going through a lot so please be very nice to me this month or I will freak the Fuck Out, I will go apeshit bananas
It feels really nice to be able to wear boyish clothes again and not have to think about what it means about my stupid gender. I'm just wearing what feels comfortable to me. I'm just existing. I'm a woman dressing my body in whatever feels right to me and it doesn't have to have some meaning attached to it
