If only...
I’m super normal, super talented, super ME. I’m a chubby kid but I hit the gym these days for me and nobody else. I’m a big kid…you can’t take life too serious you’ll never get out alive anyway. I’m sarcastic, people say dumb shit I just react to it lol it’s my personality I’m not mean my sarcasm is mostly for humor purposes. I wear my heart on my sleeve, we all have emotions no matter how cold we seem I just can’t pretend. When I’m hurt or mad you can see it all in my face and body language. Sometimes I can be a bit of a brat and miss the obvious, overlook my part in disaster, I guess. I really hate when things go bad I have tendency to obsess especially when I feel like I didn’t get a fair shot at something. When I wasn’t given the chance to show me or get to know “You”. I mean I was there but the liquor had taken over and I checked out and I know that’s no excuse cause I should have paced myself. I don’t think there is such thing as pacing when you haven’t eaten and then start taking shots like a boss. Attitude counts for a lot tho. I’m always accomidating there was an issue I was putting effort to solve it….I know my tardiness already set the mood…Didn’t plan on drinking…the pressure of this “girl” and her stank ass attitude then having to get on stage and make these people laugh was just too great. I needed to loosen up. Thanks for the beer. Yea, I’ll take that shot. Now I’m on stage and she won’t even look up from her phone. “You’re funny.” Am I? Cause didn’t seem like you paid much attention. Yea, I’ll take that shot too. Solved your issue but by this time I’m already feelin myself and my coinciousness is at the door on it’s way out, about to hit that auto-pilot. The conversation was finally flowing we were interacting like people trying to get to know each other. I’m happy. “Hey Deek, Happy Birthday here’s a shot” one last look at her and down goes that last shot. Officially on auto pilot. A lot of shit happened that I’m sure you on’t understand and I’m laughing thinking about how innocent things probably came off as more than it was. I heard about the bathroom incident lol I also heard I was just drunk and using the bathroom. I’m sure even in that state of mind you were the only one I wanted. Trying to kiss someone you’ve been friends with since you were 12 sounds more like a joke than an outburst of pint up emotions. Too bad you didn’t get to see all that happened if you had you would have seen when she actually gave in my reply was “Why the fuck would we do that?” even on drunk auto pilot I wouldn’t actually kiss her. Never been a desire. Weird. Anything after that was just drunken foolishness ie: the fall LOL no excuse for that apparently a nigga been hittin the gym and that meant I should run full sprint down three flights of stairs. Epic Fail. Thanks for rubbing my back while I threw up out the car…I feel like I had you pegged wrong. I thought you were just kind of a bitch at first I’m pretty nice for the most part and I felt like you had shut my shit down. After you got situated and we were talking my attitude towards you changed then I checked out but my mindframe was that she’s still a jerk. SO I lived in it for that moment. I felt like God brought me back for that moment just to be like “She wasn’t that bad…you were 2 hrs late picking her up.” I’ve been blaming myself for the outcome my friends think I’m dumb because you were partially to blame too. I set the mood, totally but you took it to the top. I have been feeling like shit ever since that night thinking like if I could get one re-do this might be it. Not even for “You” but for me I hate when I sabatoge myself. I’m sure your attitude is what it is but I’m awesome and I’m really sad that you had to miss out on me. Now that I’ve written this on my blog that nobody reads at 2:30am I have to let the situation go. There are no do overs in life just lessons and this one is a hard one learned all around. There will be more girls and I’ll probably make more mistakes I’m far from perfect. Sometimes people forget that they are too.