#deep-ish

[thatcurlyhairedchick]

“You have to show that you know how to use your body, not just how to dress it.” I’ll come back to elaborate on this later!

[eating-tablesandtakingnames]

'I've never known anything worth fighting for.'

yeah well maybe that's bc you've never fought for anything.

[sauteedongo]

I see the best in people and that I do not regret. I believe people can do good no matter what. Never assume something.

I have, stupidly, given strangers rides home who didn't have any other way back. My immediate thought isn't that I am going to get hurt or anything my main thought is how can I help. I don't regret it. I helped someone out.

[crasesnoster]

I've been doing some deep-thinking lately. About this and that mostly. And I came to the conclusion that I should probably start to write 'personal' posts here, not just reblog  stuff. And that I should also do something more on this blog of mine. 

I guess that at least 80 out of my 83 (look at that number, they are all the people that have looked at my fail of a blog and thought - yes, this is worth following for reasons unknown to me) won't read this, or those personal posts anyway. But hey, I can at least try? Meh.

But yes, I do have more that I've thought about. Life and what I want to do with it, for example. I won't go into details but, for me, life is still something that I can't, or maybe don't want to, appreciate. YOLO is bull and I don't give a poop. 

But well... For now, this is good enough.

[mintyyfreesh-blog]

Series of Rants

What the hell am I doing with my life. I have no desire, no direction, no motivation. And because of that I'm slackin'. My grades are slackin'. My relationships, slackin'. Everything's just slackin'. So here I am admitting it to you. But no one is in any place to tell me what I'm doing wrong, what kind of a person I am, or even what to do. This is me, trying to take responsibility for me, myself, and I. And if you keep running your loud ass mouth like the smart ass in the corner of the class, how the hell am I suppose to learn.

You don't get to tell me that I'm too cool for you now. You don't get to tell me I've left all my friends because I am in a relationship now. Because if you did, that would be completely invalid on your part. You know we had issues before this. You hung out with someone else, she hung out with someone else, I hung out with someone else. We all made new friends. It was inevitable. Our friendship took a hit, but we fixed it. Now, who's idea was it for me to meet someone new. I didn't want to get into it, but you insisted. So if it weren't for you, on some degree, a relationship wouldn't be the problem. But it gave me another group of people to hang out with. It gave me less lunches to spend time with you. And you took the hit hard. Our friendship endured an earthquake. And this is why you can't tell me that I threw all my friendships away being in a relationship. I held on. I fought for our relationship and you just stood there like it was hopeless. Like you didn't even want to try because that damage was horrific. It wasn't. It was an easy fix, but you just stood there. All I'm saying is, I got tired reaching out for someone who wasn't gonna meet half way. So. No. You don't get to tell me that I'm too cool for you.

In fact, I don't seem to be cool enough for anyone these days. I'm not the perfect daughter. I'm not the perfect best friend. I'm not the perfect granddaughter. Not even the perfect girlfriend. I'm making mistakes left and right, not knowing how to get back up and fix it. I thought life was going to be easy for me. I thought that being asian meant your good grades and ridiculous amount of knowledge just came to you. But no. And I'm constantly reminded of how much better I can be doing. With my friends getting > 4.0 GPA's. I'm hard on myself. How else am I going to get anywhere? But I don't need someone else on my ass because me being on my own ass is hard enough. It doesn't hurt when my parents compare me to other kids, because I'm already comparing myself to other kids. What hurts is that they don't see my hard work, all they see is all the rebellious things I do, which isn't even that bad if you look at the rest of the kids at school.

You know those assignments you usually get at least once in the beginning of the school year, when they ask you to write an essay on yourself? Whatever you want, but it's got to be about yourself. I don't know, I never knew. It was always hard to write those essays. Who am I even? Recently, I feel like I've been trying too hard, trying to be someone else, trying to hop on the bandwagon so I didn't feel left out. Ever since forever, I always thought that I was being myself. Only now, realizing that I'm that kid that just wants to fit in. Everything I do seems to be embarrassing if someone points it out. I can't be the smart kid that gets straight A's as much as I want to, because I bomb a test or quiz every now and then. I can't just start watching football and root for a team that I feel is going to win a the superbowl. My bad for mistaking the Giants for the Patriots early in the playoffs and just going with it. I can't just go to a dance show thinking I know crews or people there. My bad for being interested in dance and meeting famous people that I don't know.. I can't accidentally mispronounce someones last name without being hated on. My bad for not watching every single one of his video's or blogs.  I can't all of a sudden listen some other genre of music because I'm interested. I guess I can't do anything without getting some form of hate, some form of curiosity. Why can't I experience new things? Is that so bad? Can I expand my horizons to see what to hell I'm missing in this world? Is that so fckin' bad. 

I wish people would just let me be, sometimes. Let me do what I want to do without being so judgmental. But we're all human, so I guess that would be too much to ask.