#deepdarkconsumption.txt

[deepdarkconsumption]

Things @bitter-cxld and I do at 3 in the morning: shitpost and make fun of Hydra.

Him: hydra memeing sounds like a watersport

Me: if you could see the face I'm making right now...

Him: you know what I mean-

[deepdarkconsumption]

Made myself an aesthetic - Im not sure if the design Ive got is 100% correct but w/e it seems to be right 

pls do not tag as kin/me

[deepdarkconsumption]

Aesthetic I made for my Saints Row kintype, a noncanon gang member from a noncanon gang called Point Blank.

(pls dont tag as kin/me)

[deepdarkconsumption]

Man okay. Usually I just go to my ancient af vent blog if Im feeling shit but hmmm seems more,,,, idk, topical? To :V on this blog for these feels.

Anyways yapping under the cut about existential feelings/thoughts :p

Gotta weirdly existential tonight all of a sudden, probably set off bc my shower head is also a mirror? [Listen. I didn't know it was when I bought it.]

Bc like. I look in the mirror and idk who/what I see. Like its not an uncommon feeling persay, but... hmm. Usually I have at least an inkling of Self when/if I get that "???" sensation.

Tonight I didn't have like. Any idea. Idk who/what I was lookig at.

I... genuinely do not think I was meant for this world. Like I know I joke about it a lot but its never really been a joke-joke? I don't mean this in a "I want to die" way, I mean it in like. "I think I was misplaced when I ended up in this world."

Who was I supposed to be? What was I supposed to be? Where was I supposed to be? When was I supposed to be?

I wish I fuckin knew.

I think. Maybe part of the reason - could be a big part tbh - of why I long to be an asset again is bc I never had to deal with thoughts like this. [Not to mention added benefits of dont pay taxes/bills, don't need to worry about housing/rent, jobs, cooking, chores, etc...] [yeah okay there were a LOT of cons. Dont get me wrong. But tbh at this point I'd consider it a not so bad trade. The economy sucks. But thats not what this post is about.]

I look at my body and I don't see me. I see someone, but it aint me. Idfk.

Is this all brought on by Kin B.s.? Doubtful. But I think Kin B.s. plays a part to some degree or another.

I wish I knew what changes I needed to feel a little more,,, idk, me? In this world? Unfortunately the ones I can think of are far from practical to obtain, if not outright impossible for some reason or another. [Funds and/or physics and/or biology.]

Anyhoo. All this to say existence is fuckin weird, ain't it?

[deepdarkconsumption]

Absolutely windy as fuck tonight [like 55mph gusts that were pretty sustained tbh] so I spent almost an hour outside sitting facing into the wind at the point down at the nearby river beach.

Between that, some precip [hail or snow, I think] hitting me in the face, and having to walk thru snow and ice and water and slush... well. Asset brain go brrrrrrrrrrtt

[deepdarkconsumption]

Pro tip: having full tactile sensation in dreams is not all it's cracked up to be.

Had a dream last night that was some Point Blank gang b.s. (which is a kintype that hasn't given me much in a long while) mixed with some Absolute Asset Nonsense (is2g I have some form of a permashift for that fucker :V gahd)

Anyways it was some real nasty hand-to-hand and like. After the fight, sitting down heavily on some steps, checking self over to see how bad the wounds are, feeling real sore...

Wake up.

Immediately gently touch face like "broken nose?!? No. Split lip??! Also, no. Okay it was dream. We good."

[deepdarkconsumption]

Had a staff meeting at work tonight

My sleep ambient choice got brought up

My manager, listening to it like "... well that's probably an indication of something-" (paraphrasing but u get the idea)

Everyone - "how tf do u sleep to this"

Me, lying thru my teeth - "idfk!!"

I am not telling everyone it's probably bc of kinnie b.s. that I sleep better w distant gunfire and/or creepy secret base type ambient sounds alkfjrkdkskkala

[deepdarkconsumption]

The VR game "Pistol Whip" is a good time for several parts of my Kin Brain lmao