Subconsciously FAT
WOW guys. I genuinely feel like today is such an eye-opening day for me. I was sent these photos from my past by a cousin. I don't remember these photos or when these were taken, and to be completely honest i very rarely look at childhood pictures of myself, because i had a lot of insecurities about my weight growing up. I was told at a VERY early age that i was FAT, and was always compared to other children in my family. Even my pet name at home (which was used by the entire wider family) literally translated to ‘fatso’ in punjabi.
I look back at it all now and can recognise some key people who actually used my insecurity to intentionally antagonise me and make me feel greedy and terrible for enjoying food which all children at my age did! I feel like time has changed so much, and todays youth would turn around and tell that bully 10 things they could change about themselves! but for me at the time? i was completely horrified with myself! I’ve ‘struggled’ with my weight for what seems like my entire adult life, and have always heard people say to me ‘but Sohni, you’re really not even fat’. And i remember thinking LIES!!! (lol), because i was convinced that people couldn't understand how fat i was because they don’t know how greedy and fat i’ve been my whole life.
Unfortunately, i can't remember any of these times in the photographs, but i specifically remember rushing to the bathroom on several occasions in my childhood and crying my soul out after family members would call me fat and laugh at my face. I remember putting myself on ‘diets’ at the age of ten years old which would basically consist of my not eating for as long as possible, only to be made of fun of by certain people when i did eventually eat. I remember being so envious of my sister/cousins who didn’t have to deal with that, and thinking, if only i was as skinny as them; those family members wouldn’t pick on me so much. But i realise now that it would never have ended that way, because the problem never truly existed. the true problem was that i had an insecurity that others knew how to manipulate and they did for their own sad amusement.
I have to say, today for the first time at the age of 26, i looked at these photographs and genuinely thought.. WTF!!! i REALLY WAS NOT FAT AT ALL!... and i’m seriously so super thankful for finally feeling that way for the first time after so many years! Because now i understand that there is nothing holding me back apart from my own mind.
I will be adding these photos of me to my inspiration body/fitness folder in my phone, because its one thing to know where you want to end up, but its SOOO much more important to understand where you came from and how perfect god made you.
So honestly guys, if ever you see someone being picked on, even if it seems like a minor thing, just stick up for them, and most importantly watch them and TALK to them. You could never tell from these photos, but deep down i was feeling ways that would shape the way i would look at myself in the mirror for 20 years to come.
I’m feeling so thankful today, and hope to change every single one of my insecurities into an empowerment.