I love you guys but I am begging you to look at me right now. Look at me.
The bio literally says no men.
This includes trans men. Trans men are men. They are literally (holding your face) They are men. I understand if trans men see their attraction to women as different than a cis man’s, and perhaps sapphic in that case. That’s okay. But you can see that anywhere else but here. No Men Allowed.
(general trans mascs are allowed, I am also trans masc, but if you actively identify primarily as a man, shoo, shoo)
If I catch another man trying to waltz in here, I swear I’m nuking this site to nothing.
This is a beautiful post that I asked to share here. It really does feel like, most of the time, you can never reason with transphobic women no matter what you do, what you say, what you bring up. I’m transmisogyny exempt, so I can’t imagine the pain that goes along with having that hate thrown at you, and I can’t speak on it, but I do know that I get harassed constantly for not agreeing with transphobic ideals.
In the comments, the OP, a self-proclaimed Ex-TERF, says that the reason she took a step back and made her examine herself is that she saw similarities between herself and incels-- Something I think a lot of us can see, but unfortunately not many of those who shared her ideals. She also said that her DMs are always open to current transphobic radfems who want to talk, judgement free. She’s truly trying to help others understand why the hate they’ve been taught is wrong, and she’s promised in the comments to help the trans community and repair the damage she’s done.
I never encourage people to argue with bigots, because it’s never something that will end well-- they hate you for being you, but it is a beacon of hope to see that they can learn more about what they’ve been taught and choose a path of peacefulness and kindness instead of hatred and violence.
[Transcript:
I'm sorry. I was in a bad space, mentally. I felt lonely, isolated, and full of hate. I'm sorry about the hurtful things I said. I'm sorry for gatekeeping, for being an asshole, for kicking you while you were down. I'm sorry I let them radicalize me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to the women I argued with. I'm sorry for the women I hurt.
Now I know. Why have a heart full of hate when you can have a heart full of love? Why gatekeep when you can welcome? Why ruin someone's day when you can make it awesome?
To all the TERFs, I know it's exhausting being so filled with hate. I know how lonely you feel, how isolated, how you feel like your identity is challenged. It's not. You can accept that trans women are women and still be a lesbian. These people are literally just trying to be themselves and they don't deserve all the violence, harassment, and hate they get for that. I promise once you let the negative feelings go, you'll feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.
But back to my point. I'm sorry. I probably don't deserve to be forgiven. But I just wanted to let you know that TERFs can change for the better. It's difficult to accept that you were wrong,but it is possible.
-an Ex-TERF
PS: Trans women are women. Trans men are men.
EDIT: I know there are TERFs lurking. If you want to talk, judgment free, message me.
Edit 2: I've had some heartfelt conversations, and I've had TERFs send me cryptic messages and deactivate their accounts before I can reply. Ya win some, ya lose some
my friend made an entire audiobook for me because they know i struggle with reading, how the absolute good goddamn am i supposed to get over my massive and deeply difficult crush on them when they do things like this. sapphics, help me.
Could you describe how having a crush as an acebian feels like. Can you know you are homoromantic but have never got a crush on any girl? I'm questioning whether I'm homoromantic or lesbian oriented aro-spec.
I've been waitin' for this one, turn it up
Okay, so first thing's first, everyone experiences a crush differently, just like everyone experiences their own types of attraction differently. Sometimes it's a small feeling, other times it's right in your face, 'wow!'
cut for space!
For, me, though, as an asexual lesbian, crushes are a little hard to figure out when you take into account the possibility of me being on the autism spectrum, but I thiiink I've narrowed them down into a good list of attributes that are most common.
The few times I've had a crush and can verify that it was, in fact, a crush or a desire for romantic intimacy, and not a desire for platonic or sensual intimacy (aka I was lonely and touch-starved) have gone a little something like this:
I start feeling a lot of favorability toward that person. I find that I'm usually more excited around them, tend to smile (naturally) more, and I want to talk to them more than others or may want to pause a conversation with someone else to talk to them. I also want to share things about myself and hear things about them, or introduce them to something we can both share and talk about, and while this is common in friendships or close bonds, pairing it with favorability is an indicator of a crush for me.
I might start thinking about romantic or physical (but not sexual) intimacy more. I don't feel comfortable imagining myself doing those things, but I do know I desire them, so I'll often just think about doing things like holding hands or kissing with an "invisible me" (as in, from my point of view but not as "me"). My crush might not even be in the thoughts, but an increase of them or a desire for them is another good sign that I have a crush for me.
Looking up compatibility between our zodiacs, personality types... etc. This might seem a little dorky, but sometimes I find myself doing it completely without realizing, I'll just find out the zodiac of my crush and then off to Google I go to find out how compatible they are with Gemini.
Another version of this is trying to find out if you're compatible with live goals! I mean, for me, at least, when I hear a crush say something that isn't compatible with my life goals (for example, they want kids but I don't), I might feel a little disappointed even if I don't realize I have a crush on them-- And one more time, another version of this is compatibility with sexuality, romantic orientation, etc.
I also think about them more than normal. I mean, thinking about your friends is normal, but thinking about one person way more often than other people or even dreaming about them is a pretty big sign I'm crushing.
Those are all signs that I might have a crush on someone, most of which I have to find out through various means because I've never really had the 'heart racing, blushing, giggling' stuff that you see most depicted, it's always been... quiet. I just really like hanging out with someone and doing what they like to do, playing games they like or showing them games I like, etc.
Ace anon who asked about the lesbian comm. THANK YOU so much for your time, invested answer and support. It really meant a lot. I don't have a problem with allo lesbians, with sex in general or with discussions of it. I guess I just feel a bit left out because of the idea that lesbian = sex with women and I'm ace. But I know there's so much more to a relationship and I hope those other aspects continue to be celebrated as equally important. I can't give up the lesbian label, it means too much.
Hey anon, no issue! I'm always glad to help!
Not having an issue with sex or discussions, or the reclamation of sex and sexual attraction for lesbians is an instant, 'you're not the bad guy', because everyone's allowed to be uncomfortable with certain things and dislike them.
Feeling left out because the term lesbian is all too often synonymous with sex is another side effect of the rampant oversexualization the queer community goes through from those outside of the community, and the push to reclaim such a thing in a positive manner.
It's okay to feel frustrated or uncomfortable with that as long as none of us are shaming anyone for their sexual attraction or sex life.
Feeling more connected to the asexual label because you feel like it represents a celebration of other aspects is also fine, but be careful to not toe the line of thinking everyone else only values sex-- Not accusing you, of course, or anyone for that matter, just a cautionary tale that all too often, I've seen fellow aspecs fall into a rabbit hole of sex shaming and that's an issue we should all be careful to avoid :^)
Overall, though, I want to tell you that you don't have to "give up" the lesbian label. Some asexuals prefer to call themselves homoromantic (and switch the words for aromantics), some prefer gay or lesbian or bi or... anything else, and that's all well and good! You can choose what labels you want to use and when, why, how.
I've definitely struggled with the oversexualization of the lesbian community from outside and within, and I think the best thing to do in that situation is to remind ourselves that the synonymity of "lesbian" with "sex" is a result of fetishization by others, and a want to reclaim that feeling of sexual attraction to women and sapphics being okay and not what others would stereotype it as; We know that lesbian doesn't only mean sex, it means loving women and sapphics, and not men. It means love, and connection, and a plethora of beautiful things. No one should feel like they need to give that up... Which is part of the reason I made this blog!
Basically, you can be a lesbian and asexual because being a lesbian doesn't hinge upon sex. Sex can be important to a lesbian, but you don't have to have it to be a lesbian, and anyone saying otherwise is not only wrong but stupid and I will say that with my whole chest.
