delusions are weird. not because of the content or my thoughts about them, but because of how other people laugh them off.
i know the CIA is trying kill me, although that could just be because i'm not medicated rn. I'm also aware this is a delusion, but i hold onto the idea. But when i have told friends they always laugh it off like i'm playing some kinda comic relief character in a play. i know it's coming from a place of good intention, but it kinda does the opposite of helping me. it kinda does the opposite. it only makes me suspicious that they are CIA agents.
seeing the street lights communicate with me is also scary, cause it's not really something i can tell someone without being ridiculed, and the whole they're talking to me part.
what if the one hermit who consistently gets his ass possessed also got his ass possessed by moon big. what if that happened.
-
The moon was big. Cub was very certain of that fact. Whether that was due to it coming closer, or growing bigger, that he was less sure about, to be honest. He was also floating into the air, and he'd constructed a Very Scientific instrument to measure it's progress. It was definitely getting worse. Perhaps anyone else might have gone mad from not sleeping, but not Cub! He thrived on insomnia! Even the phantoms made him laugh, the silly creatures. They were just weird flying dogs, right? Yeah! Nipping at his heels, just being a nuisance, nothing to worry about!
He'd needed no real convincing to join the Mooners. Mumbo's explanation made as much sense as any as to why the moon had decided to crash into their world. And it was definitely crashing, right? Sure! Why not? Made about as much sense as anything else. Of course the moon would be lonely and sad about all the Hermits sleeping the night away! So if sleeping was what the moon detested, then he wouldn't sleep! Easy! He could do that without even thinking. And he'd have more time to work on his projects. The enchanted desert still wasn't finished yet.
-
The shadows dancing in the corner of his vision didn't seem weird. Why would they? The moon being so huge in the sky had messed with the shadows and everything looked weird. Simultaneously too bright and not bright enough. Everything looked like the colour had been drained from it, like the world was now in monochrome.
It definitely couldn't be the not sleeping, though. Sure, it had been weeks now, but he was fine! He didn't even feel tired anymore! Just a bit of Vex magic and some regen potions here and there and he was fine. Never felt better!
-
…his name is cubfan135…
-
The Octagon seemed…
Cub blinked. Thought he'd seen something- but there's no way it moved, right? No, of course not. That was silly. It had legs, sure, but it couldn't walk. Nah, nah, he was just seeing things, that's all. Just the weird-
The Octagon screamed-
Cub shook his head. No. He was seeing things. That wasn't right. There was no swirling mass of deep blackness there. There was no vortex threatening to swallow the world. The amethyst wasn't singing because there was no amethyst. It wasn't a black hole, it was just the deepslate not reflecting enough light to-
-
"Cub? You okay, my dude?"
Ren's voice shimmered through the air. Cub closed his eyes. Perhaps he was falling-
-
No. He was floating. The moon had come to reclaim her child and Cub reached for her eagerly. The moonlight was all he could see; faint whispers filled his mind, but he was so used to that it didn't even bother him. Probably just the Vex again, they did that a lot. Nothing to worry about.
He was lying on a cloud, dripping moonlight from his fingers. They fell to earth, making the ground shake. He smiled serenely as the moon whispered all kinds of things to him. This was just a dream. He was fine. Nothing to worry about.
-
Cub was placing sand in the hot sun. He was digging up sand in the hot sun. He'd grown used to the strange visions he was seeing now. If he looked at the sun, it turned into a falcon. His mind was running a million miles an hour with the most absurd thoughts he could come up with. Was he going mad? Probably. Didn't matter, though. He just thought of one of the ancient Pharaohs putting minigolf in their pyramid and burst into a fit of hysterical laughter, sand slipping through his fingers as he wandered elsewhere into his mind.
-
…his name is cubfan135…
…his name is cubfan135…
-
Cub was gazing up at the moon. Ren was beside him. He had joined some other moon cult, or so he'd said. Cub didn't really understand his ramblings about moon rocks or potatoes, to be honest.
"She's demanding heads, Cub. She wants- heads. I can feel it, bro. It's what she tells me to do," Ren murmured.
"Then I guess that's what you gotta do, Ren," Cub said.
"It feels like she's…" Ren paused. "I don't want to say possessed? But maybe- maybe she's possessed me. I don't know. You know what that's like, right?"
"Possession? Maybe, maybe," Cub said.
-
Red eyes stared at him across the enchanted desert. Every night they were there, like a predator stalking prey. But not stalking, just watching. Red eyes and a dark shadow. Perhaps a wolf. Perhaps a Rendog, Cub thought and laughed.
Was it a portent of bad things to come? Well, maybe. But the moon was still insanely huge in the sky, so like, maybe there were other more direct warnings, you know? Anyway, the red eyes didn't move. Didn't approach. Made no sound. Just watching. Weird. But as long as it left him alone, Cub decided he really didn't care.
-
Thunder. Lighting didn't really seem all that impressive with all the moonlight drowning it out. Cub was standing on top of Pearl's base, watching Boatem. It was quiet. He didn't know how long he'd been up here. He just knew the moon was filling almost the whole sky, and the levitation effects had left him with sore legs from falling back to earth so often. He felt… paralysed. Been a while since he felt this scared. The moon was whispering; his stomach growled. It had been a while since he'd fed the moon the Vex. She They hungered for blood.
-
…his name is cubfan135…
…his name is cubfan135…
…his name is cubfan135…
-
There was one cavern carved into the canyon that Cub didn't remember building. It was tucked away behind a lot of dripstone; you couldn't even see it from the outside. But he'd fallen into it, and found himself looking at some kind of shrine. Something - a conduit? - floated above it, giving off a powerful energy that drew him in. Images flashed into his mind: the moon crashing, rabid dogs hunting, the ocean turning red, his sword covered with blood. Then, whispers, whispers, the moon was whispering to him. Feed me. Bring me their heads. Feed me. I am. Moonatrix Octa.
-
There was a section of wall in his main base where he'd carved a notch in the stone for every day he hadn't slept. There were so many now that his initial neat tallies of fives had devolved rapidly into marks that had no organisation whatsoever. He'd tried counting them once, but he'd got lost around 54, and started again, where he'd got lost at 81, and then again at 43. Honestly, he wasn't even sure they were actually the right tally marks, even though he remembered coming in here every night to carve another one. Fuck, he was tired.
-
He heard chanting as he flew over Boatem. Saw Ren and Doc circling Mumbo chanting his name. You know, just normal Hermit things. They were wearing some weird robes, but that's all Cub really took in before he crashed into Scar's mountain and had to pretend like he hadn't actually done that as he brushed the snow off and steadied himself on the wall of Grian's observatory. He watched the scene before him, seeing Ren and Doc throwing potions and wielding axes. Man, those moon cults must be getting worse if they're dancing around Mumbo and dropping spiderwebs at his-
-
Cub respawned, having no memory of how he'd died. He lay in bed, and he didn't notice anything weird until he turned his head to see Doc sitting by his bed, clearly holding Ren back as he growled and bared his teeth at him.
Cub pulled back. "Hey, no, you-"
"We left your stuff in a chest. Sorry about the murder, but we needed your head," Doc said.
"What- wait, what happened? Why's he-?" Cub said. "Do I even want to know?"
"Moon's big." Doc shrugged, as if that was that.
Ren snarled. "Moonatrix Octa thanks you for your sacrifice."
-
Cub stared at his hands in the moonlight. He was sure they'd turned purple. That's definitely a thing that could happen, right? He laughed, and it was the kind of laugh that masked deep fear. He closed his eyes as the ground shook, steadying himself against a tree. When he looked again, his hands were covered in blood. He looked up. Red eyes watching. Sharp fingers clawed his shoulders. Harsh whispers. Feed me. Bring me their heads. I am nearly here. Not long now. I must have them. You can save them all. Behold my wrath, I am Moonatrix Octa.
-
Cub held a Vex head in his hands. Didn't know why. Didn't know how he'd even got one. He didn't remember raiding a mansion. He wouldn't kill Vexes for one. He was better than that. But clearly it meant only one thing: the Vex were calling.
"So your moon rock possessed you, hey, Ren? Well. You know nothing of possession," Cub said as he put the mask on, his body transforming into his Vex form.
The moon whispered eagerly, egging him on. He took his sword, stomach hungry for blood, and flew straight to the Octagon. This would be easy.
When I'm going through my ’episodes’ I always have one foot in reality and one foot in delusion. I know when my mind is taking me to these weird places it's not real, but I just can't stop. It's agonizing. It hurts! It's like having a parasite infect your head while you still hold onto some sliver of consciousness and all you can do is look on horrified of what's happening to you and what this parasite is making you do.
the feeling when you look at the last 20 years of your life and you realize people have...given you money to support you doing things you like...not because they feel sorry for you...or because they are obligated to...but because they like you or the things tat you do...and like...want you to be happy
...and then realize that you probably felt the obligation of some authority figure as a child and it really fucked you up on a level so deep it caused doubt to taint most of your interactions.
Mutuality can be genuine and I am allowed to believe it daily. It can be as true as negative projections.
You knew it but you don’t trust it but you are enough and so is your gratitude.
Two nights ago, I dreamt that my car came alive as a Dalek who like wanted to not be alive anymore and was very disdainful of me who was, very teary-eyed, trying to tell my car that I loved him. And he was all "Exterminate" you know as any Dalek named Todd would.
And last night I dreamed I lost my car in a fucking tornado on my way to work, because my passenger was like "pull over there's a tornado, you can't race a tornado" and I'm like "That tornado isn't going to be where we're going, it's going to be here if we stop." But we stopped. And then the tornado was just like "Yoink" and I'm like "I fucking told you so."
Today, I got pulled over because my registration tags were not updated and my actual registration was expired.
I'm not saying that I have prophetic dreams.
I am saying I'm prone to delusional thinking because I'm bipolar, and these dreams need to kinda not.
