It's weird being an abuser introject. I'm her. I look like her. I act like her. I have to be her. I'm her. I'm always her.
And it's disgusting. If I love myself, am I loving her? If I think Douglas is cute, is it a gross incestuous love of him?
I hate him. I know I hate him. I know I hate her. So do I have to hate Renee and Douglas? Can I like Renee? If I like Renee, is it liking her? If I see the horrible shit Renee does and go "haha queen shit," am I thinking that about what she did to me?
I want to just be me. I want to just be Renee. I want to just be Demeter. But she's etched into my bones. She's always a part of me. It's not really more than anyone else in my system, at least. We all have them in our bones. It's just not usually as obvious.
I just want to be able to look at myself and just see me. I don't want to think about her. I just want to be me.
But she's not Renee, is she? Only I'm Renee. She's just some bitch. Renee can just be mine, mine, mine. I want something of mine. Something she can never take from me.