#demideerling

[troodon]

so the other night i got drunk and drew a very angery griffin (Exhibit A) which, after sobering up, led to everyone in the discord last night drawing griffin with an angry cat face (to my utter delight).

we are truly hashtag blessed >:3

@vi-v-i​ @godtrsh @demideerling  @tenthousandgoats @sher1danblog @fandom-potato

[ceeberoni]

There's a WIP transcript for the whole series going on :0 I think they're caught up or almost caught up to the stolen century!!

oh shit nice

[thelaurenshippen]

I just wanted to say that I really love you'd podcast for a lot of reasons, but I think the thing I love the most is that you're very honest with the faults of your characters. Like while you let people ship whatever, you remind them that Damien and Marks relationship was based on manipulation and gas lighting. That Joan is a good person but to remember her flaws as a therapist. And now w Chloe and her boundaries. I'm rly glad u address these things and make sure that we, as listeners, are aware

Thank you! It’s definitely tricky because all real people are flawed but people in real life don’t always acknowledge their flaws, so sometimes we don’t directly address it in the podcast. But rest assured: there will be much talk of complex people/relationships and flaws coming up. 

[ch-ch-ch-ch-cherrybomb]

demideerling replied to your post: It's been a burning question but given you have...

I actually have a partial draft written up abt this sort of. It was more aimed in general at fandoms but I absolutely agree w u on this bc like …. it feels extremely blame/guilt trippy to people who like and share and talk a lot abt some ship they like and maybe it’s bc I’m biased. But like idk I deal w too much guilt and anxiety irl than to deal w other people making me feel bad. Even tho I do agree w many points people have made, it shouldn’t be at the expense of others

Thank you for saying that. Honestly, I was a little nervous to post this. I don’t want this to have to be a THING, you know? Just. I just want everyone to get along and see that there are valid points on both sides. 

[ch-ch-ch-ch-cherrybomb]

hello im the anon w anxiety + depression combo so I feel. Like! My first question is when did Connor realize he was gay- and did he have a crush on anyone prior to Evan? (Also had he kissed anyone before Evan?) Also you probably wont write it in this fic, but would you ever write a little vignette w Connor's pov when he ditched and went to the water tower? (I'm just so glad the way you write these hecked up boys bc its #relatable)

I think, in my version of Connor, he probably worked out that he was gay sometime during puberty. I mean, he’s obviously not 100% certain about it - I think he tells Evan he’s “probably gay,”  in the fic, but I feel like that is more of the icky heteronormative nonsense that people get caught up in where they think they can’t be like an Official Gay until they sleep with a person of the same gender. Also he’s 18, so there’s a lot of hormones still buzzing around confusingly.  But I think, in my brain, it would probably be somewhere in the 12 to 15 range. Classic stuff like noticing that noticing that he is extra self conscious in locker rooms (fucking gym classes man) and trying REAL HARD to avert his eyes around other guys changing. Also inconvenient boners.  

I imagine that some tension between Connor and Larry also developing from this realization on Connor’s part that dudes are hot - but this is 100% biographical, on my part, so lemme try to explain.

When I realized I was queer, I had a super hella close relationship with my mom. And we are actually still very close. But at the time (I was 13) I was like “omg I am so gross and weird” and I remember very vividly making the decision to not kiss my mom on the mouth anymore? (My family are mouth kissers, idk, it’s just their thing.) But I just remember thinking, totally irrationally, that since I was gross and weird and liked other girls that if my mom kissed me goodnight I would like? Try to? Make out with her? Like I said, I knew it didn’t make sense -obviously I didn’t want to do the do with my MOTHER who BIRTHED ME. But I was so completely closeted and so completely convinced that this part of me made me some kind of irredeemable deviant that I rebuffed all physical affection my mother tried to give me for fear of, like, molesting her. And it took a long ass time to like chill out for me on that stuff. I still don’t really like to kiss her on the mouth, and as such rarely do it though my straight sisters and straight future-brother-in-law still do. 

 So I kind of see Connor the same way with his pops - like they were close when he was a kid, but when Connor first realized he liked boys, it suddenly made everything with Larry that much harder. He would flinch away from touch from his dad.  Like they were already struggling with Connor’s depression (feel free to insert your headcanon for other mental illnesses here), and Larry is like trying to bond with Connor more because Connor’s his kid and he loves his kid and he wants his kid to be happy and okay, and his kid is obviously not happy or okay, but Connor is like “nope I am the grossest monster I must exile myself.” I feel like Connor, at least how I write him, pushes people away because he is terrified of any closeness and of being rejected. I also totally see Connor just CRUSHING IT DOWN  re: gayness super hard until rehab or therapy, probably, where it becomes apparent that his entire life is a shitshow of mental illness and drug addiction and maybe, just maybe, being gay is not the thing to devote a lot of time and energy to dealing with. But again, this is all just my personal headcanon. 

As for crushes, I feel like Connor probably didn’t have too too many. Just the occasional “oh that boy seems nice” or “that boy looks cute” but he likely would never ever EVER talk to them because he, again, thinks he’s just irreparably broken and awful and gross. I do entertain a personal little headcanon that in like the sixth and/or seventh grade might have had a little thing for Jared Kleinman (yes, the insanely cool Jared Kleinman). And here’s why: I feel like Jared seemed, like, largely harmless, but I also think Connor would have been attracted to Jared’s kind of dick-ish sense of humor. But I also think Connor probably would have like been totally unable to cope with having somewhat squishy feelings for Jared, and would have acted like a real (REAL) big asshole to him as a result. Like, Jared makes a joke that Connor finds funny, and Connor… insults him. Shoves him on the playground. Destroys his homework. Because nonononono nobody can know about the gay stuff. Basically I see him acting “batshit out of his mind” toward Jared until the feelings toward him dissipate as 12-13 year old crushes usually do. I also imagine Connor being secretly crushed to be like the only kid in class not invited to Jared’s Bar Mitzvah, but naturally, just pretends like he’s never heard of feelings before. Feelings? What feelings? I don’t know her, etc. 

As for kissing other people? I think that yes, Connor has kissed someone. Probably just like one person. He’s a cutie and people can see that, even if he gives off the aura that he hates everyone and also puppies. I like to imagine it was like a one off thing. Probably at like rehab or something - some other guy about his age, maybe a little older, picking up on Connor’s vibe of self-hating gayness, and deciding to just lay one on him to prove a point. Probably not the best experience for Connor (please his behavior the first time he kisses Evan; asking first, getting all nervous about it, etc...) but yeah, I imagine he has kissed someone before Evan. 

And for the water tower scene! Maybe. Yes. Maybe...I might do a vignette or a one shot or something, yeah. When I had originally drafted out The Desperate Type, I had intended to switch between Evan and Connor’s POVs. But it mostly just interrupted the flow of the story, and it gave SO much away. So I have some little snippets hanging around, and I totally think I might do something small (word count wise) about Connor’s decision making process before, during, and after that scene. But getting into his head and writing in his voice is very hard for me (Evan is the easier POV to write from, because articulating my anxieties is a lot easier for me since therapy, but the depression stuff still gives me a knot in my stomach that takes a bit tough to write through). So. Yes, I will probably write it. But I don’t when it will be finished or published or anything yet. It’s not something I just want to dash out quickly. I want to take my time with it.

Thank you so much for the love! And for reading! And for saying it was alright if I published this publicly. I appreciate it a lot! Thank you thank you thank you! :)

[countvonroo]

Haikyuu!!! :0

My Favorite Character: MY BOY! MY SHINING STAR! TANAKA RYUUNOSUKE!

My Least Favorite Character: ...tender salami (tendou)

Character I’m most like: I’m a hybrid of tanaka and suga tbh

A Character I Associate you with: you are yachi, there is nobody else who is more yachi than you, syn you are 100% yachi.

I feel so ashamed that I could answer this so easily and I haven’t even touched haikyuu since like...june?