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noooo your original definitely of demisexuality is right - if you experience sexual attraction at all, then emotional bond must be a prerequisite. it says nothing else about how the sexual attraction is experienced.
Okay! So it's not that you have to always experience sexual attraction to someone that you have a tight emotional bond with? It can be just sometimes?
What is "Demisexual"?
A person who is demisexual does not experience sexual attraction to a person until after they have formed a deep, emotional connection with that person.
I’ve been told more than once that this is ‘normal attraction’. I think that’s a Victorian myth particularly directed at white women in western cultures*, and I think it’s likely untrue given the amount of media geared towards sexual attraction/acts between people who haven’t dated for long periods of time and slowly developed deep interest in one another having nothing to do with sexual interest before becoming sexually interested in one another. (It can’t all be for people who don’t identify with it … can it?)
The difference between demisexuality and abstinence is that a demisexual person will probably not be interested in doing the do with a person until after they have formed a deep emotional connection with a person, while an abstinent person will be interested in doing the do, but refrains until they feel they are ready for it.
Demisexuality is closer to an ‘ace experience’ than an allosexual experience - most of the time, no sexual attraction is experienced, like an asexual person.
This definition is based on the definition for demisexuality given on AVEN, many anecdotes I’ve heard, personal experience, and media I’ve consumed. I hope this helps you understand it!
*’a Victorian myth particularly directed at white women in western cultures’ - the classic Western narrative of a white woman is someone who is chaste and is never attracted to anyone sexually until they meet The One, the man who sweeps them off their feet! In a WHIRLWIND OF ROMANCE~ and then UST EVERYWHERE and finally they tumble into bed with their One True Man, having never before or since been interested in sex with any other person. Looks a lot like heteronormative demisexuality, right? But the western narrative of brown- or black-skinned women is (generally!) Sexually Available Always, at the white man’s whim, which is arguably far more harmful, and I believe the whole point of the feminist/sex positivity movement has been to get away from this nonsense.
Ask me about ace stuff.
In honor of Ace Awareness Week, please feel free to ask me questions about asexuality? I can only speak from my own experience and research, of course, but if you had any lingering questions about this kind of thing, I'm happy to help as much as possible!
I personally identify as gray-ace; I've said demisexual for a long time (though I no longer think that quite fits), so I will be coming at it from that perspective. :)
Ask away!
Hello! You said once that recognizing demi-sexuality as a real thing was very important and I more than agree. However, and this is a serious question I'm not a troll and I in no way mean to upset you if I do I'm horribly sorry ): Is demi sexuality something that people don't believe exist? I always thought a lot of people needed an emotional attraction before getting a physical one and that a lot of people were like that, was I wrong?
Many people believe that demisexuality doesn't exist because they believe that most people fall into that definition, and thus insist the label is silly and a way of obtaining 'special snowflake' status.
I totally understand where they're coming from. However, here's the difference:
A sexual person says, "I will abstain from sleeping with you until we have a deep, emotional connection."
A demisexual person says: "I will have no interest in sleeping with you until we have a deep, emotional connection, and maybe not even then."
A demisexual person probably spends most of their life feeling exactly like an asexual person: no sexual attraction is experienced for 99.99999% of the population of the world. That 0.00001% is a person you might even already be in a romantic relationship with but never felt sexual desire for until now.
A sexual person may feel sexual attraction towards a person, but choose not to act on it for any number of reasons. This is abstaining from sex, not asexuality or demisexuality.
The reason I feel that it's important to acknowledge that these identities exist is because of things in the previous post I reblogged, and also because I wish I'd been told about these things in school. I wish I'd been told that I (who had never felt sexual attraction for anyone up until a couple of years ago) was normal and I shouldn't feel bad or broken.
Thanks for the question~ (and don't worry, there's a huge difference between a troll and an honest 'idgi' question). it's Asexual Awareness Week, everyone, so let's talk about it~!
