#demonseascape

[seascapeofagirlonthemend]

There will be days and weeks where you will want to die, you will sink so low and wander the threshold between life and death and the choice may seem hard, but please choose life. Choose to try even though it hurts. Look death in his eyes and tell him to go fuck himself. Ride your bike to the nearest overpass at 3am when most of the world is asleep, make sure its overlooking train tracks or a freeway and look over the edge. Dangle your feet over the edge. Realize you are small and insignificant and accept that, love that. You are tiny in a huge world full of possibilities. Embrace it. Take off your shirt. Feel the air graze your delicate body and stare at the cars traveling 65mph and realize that you could jump and be crushed. Then don’t jump. Put your shirt back on and get off the ledge. Lie in the middle of the road on your stomach and wait for a car. As you wait, remember the first time you danced in the rain and went puddle jumping. Remember how you felt laughing.  Listen to the crickets chirp and look at the double yellow line down the middle of the road. And when the car does not come, get off the asphalt and dust your clothes off. Walk back to your bike and sit down next to it on the ground. Take a deep breath and laugh, because you are alive and the world is big and you are small. But you are not insignificant. 

[seascapeofagirlonthemend]

My grandmother was a very beautiful woman, she was thin and her features were very distinct. It was almost like a sculptor created her. Spending days with a chisel, hacking away at a block to create the most delightful masterpiece one has ever seen. He captured every delicate wrinkle on her face, and it was like he counted the hairs on her head a million times just to make sure she was perfect. Her hair shined, not one strand was the same color or gray. Some were dull, while others just glimmered and took your breath away. Her eyes, showed her strength and patience. She had this smile that was so rare, but if you were lucky enough to catch a glimpse, no matter how small, you’d never forget it. Her hands were rough and calloused from all the years of hard work. I sat and watched as the woman I once knew looked like the sky, as the sun set for the evening behind the mountains became the dreary darkness of night as she became her illness. The voice that once could silence the masses with this thick German accent that dripped and gathered everyone’s attention, eventually faded into the crowd of noise. My grandmother was taken away, but she is not forgotten completely. She lives in my head, through stories and images that I’ve let manifest for years in order to deal with the emptiness she left inside of me, the day she went away.