Denmark Rent
hamlet: Claudius thought that if I got “a little fresh air,” then my madness would be quelled, so he sent us out to the countryside for a few days.
horatio: we don’t really talk about that week.
[three weeks ago]
—
horatio, whispering: so, it’s six A.M., and I’m just going to start waking everyone up.
—
- *ophelia’s room*
horatio: ophelia? we’re going to have a meeting in ten minutes if you want to join us.
ophelia: twenty minutes.
horatio: well, I was just thinking that-
ophelia: twenty. minutes.
horatio: you got it.
- *hamlet’s room*
horatio: my lord, we’re going to have a meeting in twenty minutes
hamlet: [sits up] am I not dead?
horatio: not that I know of.
hamlet: shit!
- *rosencrantz and guildenstern’s room*
[banging sounds]
horatio: [knocks on door] hey guys?
[banging sounds stop]
rosencrantz [muffled]: ...yeah?
horatio: you wanna come down in like twenty minutes?
guildenstern [muffled]: yeah. okay.
[banging sounds continue]
- *common room*
horatio: so, I wanted to talk about our living situation for a bit. number one, we need to start picking up after our things a little more. Whoever left a uh...body in the hallway...
hamlet: yeah, that’s mine. I’ll get him out of here. [flicks open switchblade]
[EXIT hamlet]
horatio: uh, okay. Secondly, whoever is singing at two A.M. in the morning needs to be mindful that there are people trying to sleep.
ophelia: I like singing. It makes me feel safe.
horatio: that’s cool, but could you sing something other than the psycho theme on repeat?
ophelia: [looks into camera]
horatio: rosencrantz and guildenstern...I have no notes for you.
rosencrantz: sweet! we can do whatever we want!
horatio: no, that’s not what I-
guildenstern: [screams, throws a bottle through the window]
ophelia: I feel very unsafe right now! [sings loudly]
[ENTER hamlet, drenched in blood]
hamlet: what did I miss?
—
horatio: [whispering] so yeah, I think everyone’s getting used to living here pretty well.
[screeching]
horatio: OPHELIA WHAT DID WE JUST TALK ABOUT
—