Flashback
A/N: For today’s prompt. Again, on the very angsty side to make up for the many days of pure fluff. Takes place post “Ascension”, as you might guess.
***
“Hey, where’s Deeks?” Callen asked Kensi, standing over her desk. She stilled momentarily, realizing that he’d gone to the bathroom and never returned.
“Um, I think he had to call LAPD,” she invented quickly out of habit. They’d covered for each other more than enough times that it was second nature by now.
“He hasn’t finished his case report and I need to sign off on it before he leaves. Hetty’s been getting after me about paperwork.” Callen grimaced at whatever Hetty had presumably threatened.
“See, if you actually turned your things in on time, you wouldn’t be in this position,” Sam pointed out, sitting back with a satisfied smirk. Callen gave him a brief glare.
“I did. Deeks is the only outstanding report.”
“You know what, I’ll go grab him.” Kensi pushed up from her desk with a sigh, heading in the direction of the gym. Deeks had seemed a little odd earlier and with Callen in a cranky mood, the last thing they needed was an argument.
By the time she checked the gym, locker room, and men’s restroom without any signs of Deeks, Kensi was slightly worried. She started searching the more obscure parts of the mission, which were rarely used.
She finally found him in an unused office, which was mostly used for storage at this point. He was hunched over a desk near the back, the dull glow of a single lamp outlining his hair.
Stepping closer, Kensi waited until she was directly in front of him to speak. If he was aware of her presence, he didn’t show it, head cradled in his hands.
“Hey,” she murmured. He stiffened at the sound of her voice, rubbing a hand over his face before he slowly looked up. Even then he kept his gaze downward.
“Hey, I uh, was just-” he gestured vaguely around the room, not touching on anything in particular. It was then Kensi noticed an unopened beer to his right. She had no idea where he’d gotten it from.
“Callen’s looking for you.” Deeks nodded, his lack of chattiness concerning her more than anything. “Is everything ok?” she asked finally, unable to hold back any longer. He shook his head, chuckling softly, the sound painful.
“Um, no,” he admitted, fully looking up. It was only for a few seconds, but long enough that Kensi saw the strain and desperation in his eyes. “No, I’m not doing that great as it turns out.” He glanced beyond her for a second, brushing his hair back from his forehead, hand shaking.”
“Hey, whatever’s going on, it’s going to be alright,” Kensi promised, even though she had no idea if that was true. She covered his hand with her, taking it as a good sign that he didn’t resist her touch. “You want to tell me what happened?”
He blew out a long, shaky breath, hair flopping into his eyes again as he stared down at their hands.
“After you tackled that suspect today and you pulled him up, it caught me off-guard.” Kensi frowned, not understanding, but waited while he collected himself. His palm was slightly damp in hers ams still vibrating. “I saw the blood and his teeth and suddenly I couldn’t breathe.”
“Oh my god,” Kensi whispered, horrified as everything clicked into place.
“Everything just came rushing back. It was like I was in the garage all over again, you know?” He glanced up at Kensi pupils overly dilated as he explained in halting sentences, grip fiercely tight. “Like they were drilling into my teeth again.”
He unconsciously touched his left cheek, fingers hovering over the skin for a moment.
“Deeks, I am so sorry. I should have realized-”
“It’s not your fault,” Deeks interrupted. “I thought I had a handle on all of this but I guess it was too soon. Kind of pathetic, huh?” He looked incredibly sad, defeated in a way that she hadn’t seen in months.
“No, I think you are incredibly brave,” Kensi told him firmly. She scooted closer, moving gently to avoid startling Deeks as she cupped his cheeks. “You survived something truly horrific and came out even stronger.”
“I certainly don’t feel strong.”
“You are,” she assured him. Swallowing heavily, Deeks nodded. The short hairs of his beard scraped gently against her palms, creating a strange electric feeling on her skin. She let them fall to his arms and gently enfolded him in a hug.
For a second he tensed, flinching away from Kensi, then he melted into her arms, head sinking onto her shoulder. This close, she could feel just how much he was shaking. She held him even tighter, pretending she didn’t feel the dampness soaking into the thin material of her t-shirt. Kensi ran one hand up and down his back, making soothing noises.
Eventually, the shaking dissipated to just the occasional shudder. Deeks pulled away, running his hand down the lower half of his face. Even in the dim lighting, she could tell see his embarrassment.
“Sorry about that,” he muttered in a hoarse and uncharacteristically low voice. “I don’t usually cry on my partners.”
“It’s ok, Deeks.” She wanted to say more. To assure him that she would be there for him anytime. That she would gladly do whatever he needed, but the words wouldn’t come.
Deeks ran his hands over his face a few more times and ruffled his hair, composing himself sigh impressive speed. To anyone else, the signs of his panic attack would likely be unnoticeable. He did look exhausted though and Kensi guessed he wouldn’t want to deal with Sam and Callen’s inevitable questions.
“Hey, how about you go home?” she suggested gently.
“I have to do my report still,” Deeks reminded her, glancing up with a frown. He was so close Kensi could feel when he inhaled. She took a step back, like putting distance between them mattered at this point.
“I’ll tell them you have something at LAPD and will turn it in tomorrow.”
“That’s a pretty significant lie.” Something shifted in his face from pure desolation.
“You’re my partner,” Kensi said simply. “Go. Callen can handle it if Hetty gets upset.”
“Thank you,” Deeks said gratefully, standing slowly with a deep sigh. “For everything.”
“Always.” Kensi smiled at him, squeezing his arm as he passed by. As she watched him go, she hoped that she’d made the right decision in leaving him alone.