I spent so much time, a while back, a lot of it posting on here, trying desperately to find some sort of label for my gender & sexuality besides “queer probably” and “definitely not cis” but it just didn’t work, and I tried to just accept that labels weren’t for me but honestly it’s not just about labels anymore?
I’m realizing that the reason I strive so hard for some sort of trans or queer label to use is because I have no sense of identity in any way, and I know these things about myself so I’m trying desperately to make them Me, to make that what makes me me, but I just don’t feel like a person
I don’t feel like a person, I don’t feel like I am Anyone, any time I try to do anything like define myself it just feels false and like I’m trying to slap a sticker onto a pile of sand that technically exists but isn’t really anything when you look at it? it just flakes off? idk
but like. even just names. being deadnamed sucks, but I’ve been able to use Axel at school in all the important places because the college system has a cool ‘preferred name’ feature in its student accounts and whatever, but even like. “axel” still doesn’t entirely feel like me. & maybe it’s just because I’m not used to people calling me that yet? maybe it’s because of the constant misgendering and deadnaming I get from my mom that I find it hard to stick to the name I’ve chosen? but part of me feels like no name is ever going to fit???
like I’m just not anything specific, I’m just a mess of things that for some reason people think make up a person but they’re just overflowing and don’t actually Mean anything and there is no Me, I am No One, and it freaks me out & I’m working on it w my therapist but it makes gender & orientation stuff Weird
