#depressing talk

[the-falling-ember]

need to take a breath and calm down

need to regulate, don't know how

wasn't taught that in my house

[ask-aphdeutschland]

OOC: News Post))

From this point on, it’s going to be very unpleasant reading, so if you’re easily upset, don’t read further. 

I first want to say I’m sorry. I am sorry that, for several months, my blog has been on the fritz, and hiatus. This January, the horse I had rescued and been working with to get back to health, had to be put down. The 25th, my stable manager called me and said she’d been acting colicky, so I went out to check on her. She was doing really poorly that day, even though I’d seen her the day before and she was totally fine, her usual, happy, healthy self once we had gotten her back to health. And putting her down was unexpected, and so, so painful. I loved her, she was a wonderful help to me in ways she would never know. 

Two months later, exactly March 25th, I received word that my mother had been found dead. According to the autopsy, she had a heart attack in her sleep on the 21st, and it was peaceful, though she wasn’t found until my sister did a welfare check on her, on the 25th. I could never have asked for more for her, as she had poor health all my life, and had only been getting worse, but it was still totally unexpected, and I had spoken to her not a week before she passed. 

Tomorrow being May 25th(or for some of you, today already is), I’d like to try and be more active. I’ve taken time off to focus on me for now, because I’ve lost myself recently. I’d like to try again. 

And to that end, I’ll be deleting most of the asks in my inbox, and trying to post more frequently. Thank you all for your patience. I’ve missed this, I’ve missed you guys, but I haven’t been able to get back on really until now. So I look forward to being more active. 

Love you all.

~Cat

[the-falling-ember]

I feel like shit.

I'm experiencing a major depressive episode.

I can not handle any human contact right now.

Even tho my soul screams to be held.

I don't have anyone who is soft enough to carry that weight without breaking.

I so desperately need that someone.

[the-falling-ember]

when I said "I'm with you 'till the end of the line."

I didn't think you'd go and cut it.

[the-falling-ember]

no longer feeling such a strong sense of abandonment and loneliness and that scares me. I'm back to that feeling of closed off acceptance that I am going to be feeling like this for a while.

I don't want to forget what it felt like to be important to someone, but it's already happening.

I don't know if I can do this again, going through life alone.

Help..

[the-falling-ember]

Guys I just fucked up so badly.

I was looking at my exes blog. guys. please.

this was their most recent post.

"Horny and on like the first day of my period is a horrible awful no good combination everything hurts buti need to mark my girlfriend up and she’s too far awaaayyyyyy aaaghhhhh"

they already have a new partner. they were over me just like that. JUST LIKE THAT.

It has been... almost 9 weeks since they started ghosting me and 7 since they broke up with me. I STILL THINK ABOUT THEM EVERY DAY! I hate that I ever gave someone this power over me. I hate this so much.

[the-falling-ember]

The stress is getting to me.

It's all beginning to spiral together.

The stress.

The anxiety.

The fear.

The anger.

The pain.

The depression.

The abandonment.

The neglect.

The mistrust.

It's spiraling like I whirlpool in the ocean and it's slowly pulling me in.

I'm scared I won't escape it this time.

[the-falling-ember]

I tried to understand. I swear I am trying. I just can't figure it out.