#depression tag

[blackfemmejeanvaljean]

over the last few weeks I've been working on holistic management for my mental illnesses I've been on and off antidepressants since I was 18 and I haven't been able to go to a mental health professional since 2023 or so I do fully intent on returning to therapy but I need to stabilize my budget so lately my focus has been

keeping myself clean, showering often, combing hair, wearinf clean clothes

keeping my home clean and organized and finding furniture and decorations

eating consistently

doing at least one social activity a week

doing at least one solo activity just for fun

moving my body playing with the kids while I'm working, taking long walks, attending free exercise classes are what I want to do next

trying to do things for my community by volunteering at a community meal once a week

affirmations (I am kind, I am helpful, I am intelligent, people like me, I like myself)

making art

there's still a lot I'd like to do like get more sleep, read, try to date, etc but I feel like I'm making some progress

[convulsive-madness]

I think a part of the reason I act the way that I do, (aside from just being a general piece of shit, or course) is that the paranoid lizard part of my brain thinks that people will immediately realize that what ever I say comes from someone who is Not Worth Listening To.

so instead, what I do act like the stupidest mother fucker I can think of that supports the opposite of what I think. It's easy, because I'm a stupid mother fucker, and my stupid brain thinks it's effective because people will realize it's me but not realize that I'm lying.

[dykevirgo]

Seeing all of your friends be happy and live their lives while you're stuck in a bad depressive episode

[jennifersbod]

i just have this irrational (or rational idk) fear that my time for being a regular young adult human is running out and no one around me cares and it feels like i’m suffocating. Anyway

[youareallowedchips]

this is vile and disgusting and im v ashamed of it but i wanted to celebrate a small accomplishment

my depression has been BAD. i havent showered in a full month. not exaggerating. but i managed a shower last night. even did my face cleanser and conditioned my hair. i don't feel any better but im glad i managed to achieve one thing

[iantcjcnes]

it’s the twenty sixth of february, 1;48 pm, and i am going to be twenty six in two days. and my depression has reached such a level today that it is telling me to kill myself.  

and i don’t know what to do. (apart from not killing myself, obviously.)

at the moment i hate myself. well, i hate myself more than usual, which is a lot. i hate my depression i hate that i hate myself. i hate the way that no matter how hard i try i can never be normal. i hate the fact that 

i just. i want to do something with my life. and i know that i'm not gonna. i hate that i am a discount version of holly, unable to do anything without having someone to hold my hand. i hate that i cant make or answer phonecalls without fucking moral support.

i fucking hate how like holly i'm always going to be stuck mentally at the age of what-ever-the-fuck-teen, being unable to be a functioning member of society. 

i wish that depression and anxiety didn’t fucking haunt every decision that i make. i wish I didn’t have to win a battle with myself every time i even thought about leaving the house. i wish that i didn’t feel so guilty every time i looked at the dog because i suck so much, that i can’t even take him for a walk. 

i hate the fact that i almost wish that i had killed myself when i was a teenager to stop the adult me, current me from feeling this way.

i wish I could fucking clean by myself, without forcing my mum or holly to hurt themselves to get me off my backside. i wish i could force myself to do the dishes, or fucking force myself to remember two buttons on the washing machine. but i can’t, and mum with her shitty legs has to do it for me. 

i see mum struggling to pay for things this month, and i know i should be helping. i know i could be helping, but i just cant. i cant articulate why but living here, rent free makes me feel so selfish and so shitty

i want to be an adult, with a job that i can do that i don’t hate, that pays the bills and lets me live comfortably. i want to be able to be spontaneous and do random things. i'm thinking about joining the army (which i wont because i suck so much that no matter what i do i know that i'll never be fit/thin enough.)

i want to be a streamer (but i wont because i suck, my voice sucks, my teeth suck, and i can’t get a fucking microphone to work.)

i want to act (but I cant for all the reasons i just mentioned. i want to get a history degree and do something with it. (but i cant because i don’t know how. i don’t know how to start where to start when to start, and i refuse to burden my mum further.)

i know tomorrow will be another day. i probably won’t feel this way for a week, a month, a year. but i know that i will. like a bad stomach after an awful curry, this feeling will again overwhelm me. i want to stop feeling this way i just want my brain my body myself to metamorph into a functioning human being. i want my brain to stop. 

i want i want i want i want

my mental health is like an unexploded bombshell, and the rest of me is the unwilling city waiting for it to go off.

… i actually sobbed while writing this. fuck  

[imtheiliad]

i. just. dont. want. to. be. sad. any. more.

[genderqueer-hippie]

Pardon the spam posting just trying to distract myself from the sinking endless pit of depression that apparently will never go away