#depression trigger

[yourbestfuckingnightmare]

seein a therapist for the first time and feelin like danny devito with the “you unzipped me” line

[torn-and-frayed]

Honesty Hour

I’m not OK. I’d be lying to you if I said I was, and I don’t like bullshitting you guys. I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep. I’m crippled by anxiety over everything. My heart is beating out of my chest for no apparent reason other than that it damn well feels like it. I don’t want to do anything other than curl up and do nothing. Everything is making me irrationally irritated, annoyed, or angry. There’s no joy in anything right now. 

The good news is, I know what this is. It happens every summer and has for as long as I can remember. It’s part of me and who I am and something I have to deal with. The bad news is the physical pain and stress from my physical health being crap is making it worse.

This isn’t me reaching out for sympathy. I don’t want that. This isn’t a hiatus announcement. This is me telling you why I may not be updating things as fast or interacting as much or whatever. 

I’m not OK and that’s OK. 

[impalaimagining]

I’m sorry

Personal stuff below the cut. Just needed somewhere to vent it all out. I’m sorry that place is here.

I’m sorry for the friend I’m not able to be. I’m sorry I can’t be there every minute of every day. I’m sorry I can’t tell you it’s going to be okay or make you believe that you’re going to get through this. I’m sorry I don’t have the answers. I’m sorry for the person I can’t step up and be any longer. I’m sorry for the way I’m not able to listen anymore.

I’m sorry I make choices that you don’t approve of. I’m sorry I have history with my friends and that’s hard to get past. I’m sorry it’s not easy for you to understand. I’m sorry for the decisions I’ve made that have upset you. I’m sorry that I’ve made you uncomfortable with those choices, and I’m sorry that it’s seemed like I didn’t care.

I’m sorry for who I was because it’s no longer who I am. I’m sorry I’ve changed. I’m sorry I found a way to handle things, and that it’s something you disapprove of. I’m sorry I found my “thing,” my “place,” my “people.” I’m sorry I found my family and that’s not something that’s easy for you to understand. I’m sorry I can’t be the person you want me to be.

I’m sorry my depression takes over. I’m sorry I don’t do things anymore. I’m sorry I’m not the girl you met over a decade ago. I’m sorry my life has taken a toll on me, and I’m sorry you have to deal with the aftermath of that. I’m sorry I can’t go out and be excited about it the way I used to be. I’m sorry I lost the light. 

Really, I’m just sorry for who I am, and I’m sorry for who I’ve become. 

[impalaimagining]

This is it.

[khoyaa]

How “small talk” changed for me in 2022

I used to think “I’m doing pretty good!” Would mean I’m at the place in my career where I wanna be, I’d be living in a city away from my family, I’d have nothing to worry about. Anything less would mean “ehh I’m doing okay”.

Now I know “I’m doing pretty good!” means im working a job that I surprisingly really like for a healthcare entry job, I greet my patients happily and joke around with them, things with my parents aren’t perfect by any means but we sit around and have normal conversations from time to time. I see them more as the kids that to America to start a new life instead of my parents. I’ll genuinely laugh. I’m realizing the life I thought I’d have is falling apart and that it doesn’t have to ruin the little moments of joy. I don’t think about k**ling myself every single day. And that’s unbelievably liberating. I’m not always sure what to do from here but I will.

But I get to say “I’m pretty good” and mean it. Even though all the shit. A win is a win.

[thatonesherlocknerd]

who on earth thinks it's a good idea to go hiking 11 km when it's like 35 degrees on a tour that only goes up and has a million stones on it?

[raptorie]

I have no money, cant have or get a job (apart from drawing ugly shit furry art which I am not too successful with) and i am nowhere close to ever living in a small house in the forest with a little garden. Also not helping that, my mental is so fucking shit. And it all feeds in to the others negative spiralling downwards. lol.