#depressionlog

[demo-ness]

tomorrow morning is the first month check up for my new medication and idk what kind of questions to expect so i’m kind of nervous

[demo-ness]

i had told my dad i couldn’t go to the store with him as he took too long and i needed to shower/go to bed

he got mad at me and stormed out

still day 1 of taking full pills (as opposed to half pills) of my new medicine. BAM anxiety attack.

the second the door closes, our mom gets up and approaches us

she’s been watching 13 reasons why and had just watched a scene where i guess it shows someone killing themselves?

she has been telling us to watch it for ages and preaches that it shows “what the people who love the suicide-er go through” or whatever shit

she quickly hugs me and makes me promise to never hurt myself

ok that’s nice i guess

she turns to my sister

she goes into detail, starting to sob, over how she kept imagining what it would feel like if my sister was dead

she goes on to describe how devastated she would be to even see my sister’s handwriting or whatever the details of the show were

she and my sister start to have a bonding moment or something

idk

i started tuning out about here

because fuck me i guess

your kid actively having an anxiety attack

who is medically #confirmed to suffer from depression

but yeah the other one that has a billion loving and supportive friends she sees every day is more at risk

because she struggles way more with her disability (than i do with mine), is probs the reasoning

but your kid who’s far too quiet, never opens up to a single soul, rots into their chair daily, has 4 irl friends they see once a month IF that, and was suffering to the extent that, without even bringing it up themselves, the doctor went “holy shit” and prescribed depression meds for them?

a quick hug-pat-pat will do that’s all that one needs

nothing more

i don’t begrudge my sister

i’m glad she has support

but i went upstairs and cried and cried and cried

i feel like i’m in mourning for the kid i used to be

i can’t even relate to them anymore. i feel pity for that kid.

i think the burning in my chest is trying to masquerade as catharsis from crying but i don’t quite buy it

[demo-ness]

it turns out our new co-manager who everyone's been very iffy about is also v mentally ill! she took one look at me after I said "first day of new dose" and she instantly knew what I was going through and *told* me to go home before I could even ask. She also recommended a different medicine that really works for her if this one doesn't work out I'm just... So incredibly glad my coworkers and managers are consistently so high quality

[demo-ness]

i had my medicine follow up, we’re upping my dose to 100mg and he told me i should start taking them in the morning if i’m having trouble sleeping. if this one doesn’t work i gotta schedule an appointment and we’ll talk about switching to a different medicine altogether

he also said it’s rare for people to score the same on the little depression survey as they did before medicine so that’s fun

[demo-ness]

this is the worst I've felt since I was still working at F21 lol

[demo-ness]

yesterday at the doctor’s office the nurse was talking to me before the doc came in, and she was talking about how yeah it can be hard to find the medicine that suits you best and she was so glad she found hers, and she said the phrase “it’s like, hey! it’s the me that i remember i used to be!” 

and i can’t stop thinking about it like does anyone have the god i wish that was me dA image

[demo-ness]

today i went to the doctor to talk about how zoloft wasn’t really helping me enough, and i told him i’d like to try what my mom is on to see if the genetics line up

the doc also said zoloft makes people more mellow and that prozac makes people more active so i’m v hopeful since that sounds like the kind fo thing i need. my mom says it helps you focus completely on what you’re doing instead of thinking depressing thoughts, which is ideal for stopping my issues at work?

but also i took my first pill today after not taking zoloft this morning and. hoo boy.

[demo-ness]

last month my medicine worked fine but this month it's not and so, in short, blah blah cry blah want to die, blah