Emotional (D.L.)
I didn’t even know what time it was when we decided we’d go inside and make ourselves comfortable to go to sleep. This house party at Dereks place had been going on for hours, and let’s just say, we were pretty wasted. I wasn’t drunk to the point where I didn’t know what I was doing, but I was drunk enough to be talkative and fun and just giggly.
When we, and by we I mean Derek, KDL, Tyler and his girlfriend, reached the living room, the couple immediately took the couch and made themselves at home, clearly ready to call it a day. Me on the other hand, I wasn’t really in the mood for sleeping yet. We were having so much fun and I just didn’t want the night to end too soon. I just kind of got to know them all, over Derek, I may add. Derek, who I have been seeing and talking to for about two weeks. By seeing I mean that we only had one sort of date yet; we went to Venice spontaneously and got food afterwards. You could say we were intrigued with each other, we talked and texted a lot and it was obvious that we had some sort of connection.
Anyways, this was the first time I was at his place since we’ve been seeing each other. And him and his friends for sure knew how to party. “I’m gonna get us some good whiskey, whatcha think?” I heard Derek speak to Kevin and I. “Yeah man I’m down” KDL added and I nodded while we followed him to the kitchen right next to the living room. “me too.” I stated, “I’m not tired at all to be honest” Derek seemed to be in the same state as me. “Me neither, we could just chill in my room” he pulled a bottle out of the fridge and turned to Kevin who was obviously joining him on whatever he was up to. “Y/N you wanna come with?” he handed KDL the whiskey then turned to me. I shrugged. “Sure, why not"
I gotta be honest, my consciense was slightly overpowered by the alcohol in my blood, and normally I wouldn’t just go for it, but I wanted to spend more time with Derek. I honestly didn’t think about doing anything with both of them alone in his room besides chilling and talking. And I trusted them enough and knew they were cool so they wouldn’t try anything. Still, I ended up in between them on a queen sitze matrass, under the sheets. It sounds so wrong but I swear all we did was actually just to sip on the good whiskey, and philosophize about life and all the themes that come to your mind in that kind of state. I don’t even remember all the shit we talked about. But I do remember it didn’t take too long until Kevin, who was on my right, passed out. Leaving only Derek and I. And somehow, we ended up in our own conversation.
It started off easygoing, kind of picking up where we left off the last time we saw each other, getting to know each other more. He did ask me more questions than I asked him. He was good at listening and just getting something out of me that I normally wouldn’t tell someone I just met a few weeks ago so easily. We were talking about our hopes and dreams, about what we truly want in life. Mostly I was talking about how I didn’t see any reason in the job I was doing besides making money. How I could never imagine doing that my whole life. He asked me why I didn’t just do my thing. He asked me why I continued to please people who didn’t even care about me. He made me think. We made each other think.
"What do you want from life then?”, I asked him, looking at his face slightly hovering above mine. He had his head resting on his fist, the other still holding the almost empty glass of whiskey. He was looking into my eyes for a second and then away from me, thinking. “I want to be on top. Just completely at the top.” his voice spoke and I remember myself being slightly irritated and confused. “And? That’s it? That’s what makes you happy?” He looked back at me and shrugged “Happy, what even is being happy. When are you happy?” I thought for a second, even though I already knew the answer. “I’m happy when I’m at peace with myself.“ “When are you at peace with yourself?”, he continued, encouraging me to tell him more. “I don’t know, when I work out.. when I’m eating healthy. When I’m able to express myself. When I know I did something positive. Making people around me happy makes me feel at peace. Having a positive impact on people and my surroundings…” “Your happiness depends on people?”, he asked, taking a sip. “Not nessacarily” “I doubt that. I feel like you'd fall apart if you had to be by yourself” “No, really. I like being alone sometimes” “I don’t believe you” “Why?“
While our conversation grew deeper and more emotional, I also found myself moving closer and closer to him. “Because I think you’re too much of a goody two-shoes” I thought for a second. “Maybe I am. It’s just my nature.” He nodded and looked at me, clearly reading my facial expression. With a slight knowing smirk on his lips. He knew he won at this point. The way he talked to me really started to irritate me, yet was so inviting. It was amost a toxic mixture.
But I wasn’t done. “What about you? Do you think you’re really satisfied when you’re at the top? When you end up having nobody to share it with? No friends, nobody?” “I don’t know.” he finally admitted. He just shrugged. “But I for sure know I would leave everyone, everything behind to be successful. All those people I’m with. They’re all replacable.” I breathed out. “Wow…” my mind full of thoughts I was trying to sort out. He never before came off to me as cold as I was seeing him right now. It was like a completely differen’t side of him. “Don’t you think? Everyone’s replaceable.” he stated, waiting for me to say something. “In a way, yeah. But material things? They’ll never replace what it’s like to have good company.” “But being there for the people around you instead of doing something for yourself doesn’t get you anywhere” “It does. It makes me happy” I said as I actually started to feel offended by the way he was questioning my whole way of thinking, my whole way of living.
He was smirking again, licking his lips while studying my face. I hated myself for being so emotional about this, I didn’t know in that moment what he did to me, wether he was just playing a game to break through my reserve or being serious about what he sad, but it seemed to work. He kind of brought out that emotional, weak side of me. “Why do you live to please people who would never do the same for you?”, he wispered. And even though his choice of words was cold, his voice somehow sounded softer than before. “It’s just who I am”, I argued, and I felt my eyes getting watery, yet I still tried to meet his glance “It makes sense to me. I also do it for myself in a way, cause I’m happy when people are happy. It isn’t necessarily selfless. I’m not wasting my life just cause I care about people” He looked back and forth between my eyes, and I realized he was really listening, deeply listening. “go on”, he encouraged me with his low voice. I looked away and thought for a second. “You know I’d be worried…”, I mumbled, "Actually I’d be really worried about myself if I didn’t care.” And that’s when I felt warm tears running down my cheek. My emotional side completely taking over. “I’m actually feeling sorry for you if you can’t feel what I feel.” I looked back up to him, while reaching my face with my fingers, wiping my own tears away. “Does that get you anywhere? Honestly? What’s the profit in that if you fuck people over and never really have anyone besides yourself?” I looked at him deeply while saying that, like I was trying to find something in his features that said he was just fooling me, he wasn’t really as stone cold as he told me to be.
He didn’t say anything, our eyes still locked, but for a second it almost seemed like he had a small, weak smile on his lips. We both were silent after that. Just looking at each other. It wasn’t awkward, but I definitely wasn’t used to so much eye contact. There was definitely tension. Eventually, I was the one who broke it by pointing out that I needed to go to the toilet. I really did, it wasn’t an excuse. “Uh yeah sure, the door’s opposite the stairs” he pointed out and I got out of the covers, a bit tipsy but much more confused, and almost stumbled over Kevin, who’s sleeping presence I completely forgot about.
Let’s just say we said our goodnights after that, there wasn’t really much more talking. I guess we just both wanted to let this settle for now. I didn’t sleep too well though, my brain naturally didn’t want to shut up about the things he said, yet I kept my eyes closed to make it seem like I was asleep. I felt Dereks presence and I actually felt his arm snaking around my waist at some point. I let him. But I didn’t respond to him at all, I kinda ignored his tries to get closer. He left me way too confused and I did not know what this was about anymore. First I was completely emotional while he was stone cold, then all of a sudden he wanted my proximity. Before we went to his room I thought if I was alone with him we would just talk, laugh and maybe fool around a bit. Hell I was even a little worried he would try to make a move on me. But I’ve never ever had anyone I just met making me come completely undone in front of him just by the words he said.
Sometime in the morning, I felt his eyes on me again. I felt him touching me so gently, as he turned my necklace in his fingers. I tried to continue my steady breathing, refusing to let him know I was awake. I was too curious about what he was going to do next while thinking I was unaware of it. I could literally see him in front of me, trying to decipher the letters written on the pendant of my necklace. Then, I felt his warm fingers move across my forehead, moving a strand of hair out of my face. I felt his breath tickle me a little. And I felt so warm all of a sudden, it was so cute how he seemed genuinely intrigued with me. It was hard not to smile, or open my eyes, or take a deeper breath.
When I eventually got up, he was already gone and I was left with the slightly hungover Kevin and Tyler and his girlfriend lounging on the couch downstairs. Of course, I thought, Derek had said something about having a studio appointment the next day. And even though I understood that he had places to be, it still felt kinda weird to wake up alone after the intimate conversation we had that night. A few hours later, when I was already at home, I got a text from him, asking me if I slept well and how I was doing. "About yesterday. I hope I wasn't being too straightforward... I kinda get carried away when talking about something I'm passionate about. I really hope I didn’t scare you off?.." I slightly smiled at his next text. I really wasn’t sure what to think of him, yet. But he obviously cared or he wouldn't be making sure we're good. "It's alright", I typed back, "I definitely prefer those types of conversations over smalltalk". And I meant it. I had always found it boring talking about trivia. It didn't take long for my phone to vibrate with another answer -
"Good, cause I can't get over how beautiful our conversation was... :)"
Something different, and probably much deeper than my usual content.
I’d love to know if you could actually relate to this imagine, cause I think it was pretty specific and more based on my personal way of thinking. Even if you didn’t, let me know how you feel about the topic, I always love to hear opinions and just talk :)
In case you’re interested, this is actually similar to a conversation I had with a special someone. And it was probably the most pure talk I ever had. I love it when people make you think.
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