#derpjournal

[teracia]

The rain is calming no matter what is going on

Rain drops pit pattering on my window

Gives me a sense of peace

A calm in the rhythmic sound

The stoccato of each vibration

Brings me back to the moment

The center of my being

Pit pattering on my window

[teracia]

I’ve always wondered why I couldn’t meditate. Even something as sitting still without keeping myself busy. Just pausing everything in my mind and enjoying moments. I have to force myself to do that most the time except for rare occasions. Always go go go, or do do do. Tense and anxious, rarely calm unless I’m drinking or high. If I relaxed would it kill me? I fee like I’m always needing to be prepared for something bad to happen. The shoe to drop all over again. I thought I was past it but I’m back in that state of mind. The fight or flight response, prickly and unnerving.

I got these tattoos for a reason. I need to listen to them, just breathe and let go.

[raindripsonthewindow]

My anxiety holds me back a lot. From moving forward in a lot of aspects of my life. It holds back my creative side definitely. Holds me back from peace in my life. Holds me back from moving forward in a lot of aspects. I get creative when I feel free, when I allow my mind to move past the road blocks and just roam.

I am no longer at war with the future and held back from the past. What happens will happen. Regardless of what I do in the present. I take each day step by step moment by moment. I no longer let fear rule and dictate my decisions. I allow my mind to open and be curious, not led by fear and worry.

[raindripsonthewindow]

Do I hold myself back

Tamper myself down because I feel like a failure?

Not strive to meet my full potential because of it?

[teracia]

Nothing lasts forever

Not food you buy or clothes you wear

Not an issue you are going through

Neither the best times in your life

Or the worst times in your life

Moments whether good or bad

Are as fleeting as the wind

If you try to fully grasp them

They are gone

So bask in them

Cover yourself from head to toe

[teracia]

Watching anime

And all I think about is death or dying

Walls collapse

My world zooms in

This moment so breathtakingly clear

One of the rare times everything freezes

My breathing quickens

Tears well in my eyes

My mortality so real in this slice of time

Knowing that I’m going to be gone

Laughter that never comes

[teracia]

I wish I could store moments in my head. Why did I start tearing up while thinking that? It is really rare I get to keep memories, feels like I live in the moment half the time. Bits and pieces come back to me, probably because I have lived in survival mode day by day for almost my entire life. Never feels like I can switch out of that mode or ever have. Everything has always been a rollercoaster, nothing ever consistent. Maybe that’s life, or maybe that’s just how mine is. There was this teacher I had that could remember anything you told him. He had made imaginary file cabinets in his head and could store things in them and recall hours later what you told him if he put them in there. There are moments that I sit there and just want to keep in my brain forever. There are Moments that I really wish I had been able to save. Between trauma and car accidents my brain feels blocked. If I had tried to pry it open will my psyche even be able to handle it? I wish I could remember the way Moggie talked, or her laugh. I distract myself to not think, over analyze, dwell on stuff I can’t change. I think I only have gone surface level with myself because I never was able to go any further as a child. I didn’t explore, imagine, create . When I painted or drew I copied or looked at things. I couldn’t create out of my head. I had stopped my mind from going there. Well she had. I feel like I have been surface level my entire life. Never able to delve into myself outside of who was around me. Be it family or significant others. I took on pieces of them because I didn’t know who I was. Copied them. My mother’s favorite color was purple. I made that mine. Jill’s favorite animal was a tiger, mine became that too. I’ve only started to figure some of those things out as I’ve gotten older, or they have changed one way or the other.