An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Supernatural (TV 2005)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Characters: Dean Winchester, Castiel, Sam Winchester, Psyche
Additional Tags: Hospitals, Dean Whump, Cas is not doing well, Confessions
Series: Part 5 of Look At Us
Summary:
Sam, Cas, and Psyche rush Dean to the nearest hospital. But will they get there in time?
For Destiel Month 2023, the prompt was Confession.
Hi....I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long aGaIn. I haven’t written destiel in a while (or written in a while period lmao) but here’s a thing,,,,
--
They stare at each other with such intensity Dean feels a hole in the back of his head. The End had Came and Went, the world still standing and them standing in it, in the midst of death and decay but they’re alive. Cas’ blue eyes bore into Dean’s green ones and every emotion Dean has ever felt towards the angel comes rushing up, he almost--
He clinches his fist. He can’t, even now. Not after they lived and survived--he can’t lose Cas because he couldn’t keep his feelings to himself.
“Cas?” He croaks, wincing at the sound of his voice laced with exhaustion and fatigue. Cas looks so beautiful covered in the stink of the End.
The angel hesitates, then walks forward with intent and stands inches from Dean, eyes focused on his. “Dean.” He says, with certainty and relief.
He pulls Dean into a hug, clutching Dean’s jacket like his life depended on it. Dean froze, unfamiliar with the feel of Cas so close to him, holding him. He brought his arms up with a small smile. “Cas.”
“Dean? Cas?” He hears Sam call. They quickly separate, hands at their sides. “Over here!”
Sam’s battered and beaten body shows itself as he climbs the hill they were on, Dean reaching to help him as he gets over. “We did it,” He breathed out. Dean and Cas looked at each other.
“We sure did.”
--
They get back to the bunker, treat their wounds, and share a glass of whiskey. Jack, weary after the battle, fell asleep as soon as his head the pillow. Castiel watched him as he slept, an overwhelming sense of relief and pride washing over him as he watched him. Jack had only been alive for two years, and yet the complexity of his character already surprised Castiel. He defeated Chuck despite the odds, and although Cas feared for his safety, he knew Jack would be the only one able to defeat him. Cas brushed Jack’s hair out of his face before leaving his room, allowing him to rest.
--
Dean ushered Sam to bed after cleaning his wounds as best as he could. Sam got thrown around the most in battle, and had the most severe wounds. Sam passed out before he even hit the pillow, allowing Dean to breathe a sigh of relief. He stared at his brother as he slept for a while, wondering where he would be if he had stayed at Stanford. He hated seeing his brother hurt, but it was over now, they were free. He smiled at the thought, and left the room.
He ran into Castiel on his way out, bumping into him as he was lost in thought.
“Shit!” He stepped back.
“Apologies, Dean.”
“It’s nothing.”
They stood there in silence. What the hell was he supposed to say? Thanks for being there, buddy? I’ve been in love with you for years? Sorry for never being there when you needed me? There was so much Dean had to apologize for, so much they haven’t talked about that hung on the tip of his tongue. But how do you tell someone you love 'I'm sorry I'm not enough'?
It took Dean a long time to realize he was in love with Cas, and even longer to accept he could feel that way towards an angel in a man’s body. It was always different with Cas, it wasn’t like how he felt with Sam, or how he felt with Charlie. It was more, more than Dean had ever felt in his life. But Dean knew he would never get what he longed for, that he didn’t deserve what he wanted. He was nothing but poison, and has been nothing but thorn in the Cas’ side. But he was in love, and it would kill him to lose Cas. He couldn’t keep it to himself anymore.
“Dean--”
“Cas--”
An awkward silence came over them. “Cas,” Dean started slowly. “I know there’s way too much I need to apologize for to fit into words, and that I’ve hurt you more times that I ever should, but I...I just...I’m sorry. I know that it’s not enough, that no matter what I do it won’t ever be enough, but I really do need you, Cas. Not only that but I...I want you to stay. I know I'm not enough, I can never be enough for you, and you deserve better than a poison like me, but...I can’t...especially after today--” He was cut off by Castiel’s lips on his own, every word he was about to say evaporates out of his brain and he stood, blankly, shocked at the feeling of the soft but chapped lips of the angel on his.
Castiel broke away, leaving Dean frozen in place. “There’s a lot we both need to answer for, Dean. You forget I've made mistakes also. But what I’ve realized with my time here on Earth and at the start of the End is that I have to come to terms with my mistakes, acknowledge that I made them and that the guilt will never go away. But I feel strongly for you, strongly enough that I ignore the feelings of worthlessness that surround me and accept my feelings for you. I’m not sure what to call it yet, but I know it’s something, something too large to be contained and subdued. I am still trying to figure that out, but in the meantime, I know that I belong here, with you and Sam and Jack. Here is my home now, and I want it to stay that way.”
Dean grasped Cas’ shoulders and pulled him into a kiss. He tasted like blood and dirt and whiskey, and it was the best kiss of Dean’s life, the whirlwind of emotion and longing tumbling out of him as he kissed Cas. Castiel grabbed his face and pulled him into a deeper kiss, and after years of repressed feelings and hurt, nothing had ever felt more right.
--
So this is really shitty but I’m writing this at 1 am because I finally got a surge of motivation. I’m sorry for vanishing off the face of the earth.
This work is part of the I’ll Hold On To You series.
Read Say It Again from the beginning on AO3 (36k)
Destiel college AU; ~3,100 words (this chapter also on AO3)
“These will be the last ones until Dean gets here.” Cas picked up his box and waited for Gabe to moan and complain like he usually did when it came to anything even remotely resembling hard work.
“God, this is heavy.” Gabe complained, as he lifted one of Cas’s boxes.
Cas laughed. “It’s books. Of course it’s heavy.”
“Why do you have so many books?” Gabe groaned as they left the apartment. Cas pulled the door closed behind them and followed him down with his own box.
“Because I’m educated. Keep walking.”
Gabe huffed down the stairs and out to his car. The boxes they carried filled the back seat, but Dean would get there soon and they’d be able to bring the rest of it out to the Impala’s giant trunk. Cas leaned up against the car for a moment, wiping sweat off his forehead. August in Kansas is fucking hot and Cas was a little concerned for his sanity over willingly moving all of his stuff in the middle of the hottest month of the year.
“Go back up?” Gabe asked. “We can at least cool off a little before your boy gets here.”
Cas checked the time. They had at least 15 minutes, maybe later if Dean didn’t get out of the garage right on time. That happened frequently these days. He followed Gabe inside and Gabe hit the up button on the elevator.
“What happened to using the stairs? Getting exercise?”
“I just hauled six boxes of textbooks down the stairs in the middle of a fucking heat wave. I think my exercise requirements have been met.”
The elevator door dinged open and they stepped in. “I still don’t get why you’re moving,” Gabe said.
“Are you kidding me?” Cas frowned. They had been planning the move from the moment Charlie announced that she was going to follow Pamela to Chicago and “see what happened”. She had moved out the previous weekend and Cas was practically living with Dean anyway, so it just made sense.
“Who’s the better roommate? Seriously?”
“I lived with Dean for a long time before I lived with you. I think I know what I’m getting into.”
“Yeah- that ended so well last time.”
Cas glared at him. The door opened on the elevator and Cas stormed out, down the hall and into the apartment, practically slamming the door in Gabe’s face.
“Hey, now-”
“Shut up, Gabe.”
“Make me. I don’t think you should do this and I’m not going to stop saying it.”
“Your opinion has been noted and ignored over and over again.” Cas got some ice from the fridge and filled a glass of water. “We’ve been together again for five months. Is that not long enough? Is that not enough proof that we’re doing well and better than before?”
“Okay, so you’re doing fine right now and therapy is great and all, but what if he bails when you hit another low point? What do you do then?”
“I can’t even believe you’re saying this to me right now. We are literally moving my stuff today and you’re picking right now to complain.”
“That asshole kicked you to the curb when you needed him most, and I don’t know why you expect me to forgive that. I don’t know why you are forgiving that.”
“I was the one that broke us up. I did everything I could to push him away. I said ridiculous and hurtful things to make sure he stayed away. If you want to be mad at someone for how miserable I was, be mad at me. I’m the asshole, okay?” Cas was shaking by the time he finished, and he set the glass down hard on the counter. “If you haven’t seen what kind of person Dean is over the last five months you never will, so just shut up until you know what you’re talking about.”
Cas went to his room and slammed the door, ignoring his cousin’s halting apologies.
Gabe had been voicing his disagreement for a few weeks, softly and only very occasionally at first, but as the moving date drew closer he had become more vocal. He never really said much in front of Dean though, and that was maybe what Cas disliked the most about the situation. He wasn’t really sure where Gabe had gotten the idea that the breakup had been Dean’s fault- he knew he had never referred to it that way, but maybe Gabe had closed some gaps in the story imaginatively, or he felt that he had to devoutly protect his cousin from his ex no matter the actual story?
Whatever the reason it was a shitty thing to do to both him and Dean, and Cas was glad to be getting away from it. Gabe was a good friend in general- maybe a little too good in the protectiveness department, but he was also aggressive in a way that Cas found appalling.
Cas laid back on his bed, just trying to cool off and get the conversation with Gabe out of his head. Dean would be there soon, they’d clear out the remaining boxes in his room and that would be that. He and Dean would be living together again, just the two of them. It hadn’t been just the two of them since their freshman year in the dorm, and even then Benny and Charlie always seemed to be there. This time was different though. The decision to move in together again had been a long conversation with Dean and then a follow-up conversation with Chuck, because Cas was anxious, but it was all good now.
Except that it really wasn’t. Cas pushed up off the bed and went back out to the living room, grabbed Gabe’s car keys off the table and called, “I have to go” over his shoulder as he left.
*************
DEAN
*************
Dean pulled up to Cas’s place 30 minutes late. He was so filthy when he got done at the garage that he ran home to take a shower real quick. He wanted to take Cas out to a celebratory dinner after they got everything moved over and he didn’t want to be covered in grease when they went. He pocketed his keys and took the stairs up two at a time. He knocked when he got there, then tried the door and it opened.
“Hey guys. Ready to finish up?”
Gabriel stood up when he saw Dean, wiping his hands on his jeans. “Uh, hi, Dean.”
“Hey. Everything packed? Where’s Cas?”
“About that. He, um… well, he took the car.”
“He already took some stuff over?”
“No. Um. He and I were… talking. And I said some things and he left.”
Dean’s whole body went tense. “What did you say? Where did he go?”
“Uh… so this isn’t easy, okay? I was not happy that he was moving in with you and I… proclaimed that fact and...”
“god- just say it, Gabe.”
“Well, first- I’m sorry I’ve been rude and- well, generally awful to you. I didn’t know what Cas did. I mean, he obviously wasn’t thinking clearly when he dumped you, but I didn’t know it was him and I didn’t know how he hurt you.”
Dean closed his eyes, trying to keep from losing his temper. Apologies could wait, but finding Cas couldn’t.
“Gabe, what did you say to Cas?”
“I told him I was worried you’d leave him again and then he told me what he did and went to his room. And then out of nowhere he grabbed my keys and took my car.”
“Do you know where he went?”
Gabe shrugged his slumping shoulders. He did look sorry, but that wouldn’t help Cas right at that moment. “I have no idea. He just said he had to go.”
“I’m going to go track him down.”
“Dean, I’m sorry.”
“Save your apologies for Cas,” Dean said and slammed the door on the way out.
He didn’t realize how shaky he was until he closed the door to the Impala and put his hands on the wheel. Dean made himself take a deep breath before he put the car in drive. He had to be calm about this. Cas wouldn’t do anything stupid, he wasn’t in that place. But he was obviously upset- where would he go?
Dean headed back to his apartment on the chance Cas went looking for him, but Gabe’s beat up blue taurus wasn’t parked anywhere close. He drove around campus just on the chance that Cas might have returned there, but he realized quickly that Cas had run before and he knew where he might be.
Gabe’s car was parked at the top of the hill where the skating pond was and Dean pulled in next to it. He could see Cas on the bench from where he was parked, but he couldn’t bring himself to get out for a moment. This was a difficult place now- Dean hadn’t been there since the previous October when he and Cas had met accidentally in that place and Cas had broken everything off. He hadn’t planned to ever go back, but here they were, Cas sitting on the bench where Dean had first helped him tie on skates in 12th grade, where they had kissed, where so many good things had been and then the one bad evening that had cancelled it all out.
When Dean finally opened the door, he wasn’t sure what would happen, what Cas was thinking and as much as he kept telling himself not to, he was partially back to that night in October when Cas had thrown them away.
*************
CAS
*************
They say that time heals all wounds, but grief is the difficult exception. Cas waited for the grief over his father to fade, but it merely changed over time, Mostly he didn’t think about his father and there was no guilt or remorse hanging over his head. But the scar left from their relationship reared its ugly head whenever Cas felt low. Chuck helped- he taught Cas what to say back to the words in his head, what to say when it felt like Zachariah was right there in the room judging and berating, and mostly Cas won the arguments these days. But there were still the days when he and Dean argued, Cas spitting out bitingly sarcastic and hurtful words on his down days, and then there were the days where he said nothing because he couldn’t, and the days when he felt stuck on broken.
After the funeral it was easy to deal- most everyone Cas knew at school had heard about his father passing and most didn’t know the relationship they’d had so they assumed they had been close. Cas had been given a wide berth and that had helped. He made it to graduation about six weeks after Zachariah passed and walking to receive his diploma was the first time he felt guilt over his father’s death. If he would have tried earlier to reconcile, if he would have at least conceded not to live with Dean and be out so publicly. Maybe that would have-
No. Stop. Wrong line of thought. Cas corrected back, breathing in deep. The water was still today with no wind and it was still blazing hot even though he was in the shade. He sat staring, his brain too full of the day, but all of it pointing to one question. Why?
He heard the Impala and then nothing when Dean cut the engine. No sound of the door opening and closing, no foot steps. He must see him and doesn’t want to get out. He came because he had to, Cas thought. I stole Gabe’s car so he couldn’t come after me, so Dean came.
After a few minutes he heard the door and the footsteps and when Dean was close Cas said, “Hello, Dean.” without turning around.
Dean sat next to him, heavy on the bench but not close to Cas. “Hey. What’s going on?” Dean was gentle with the question, but Cas knew he meant it harder.
“I had to leave. Gabe was insufferable.”
“I get that. He’s not my favorite dude either.”
There was no love lost between Gabe and Dean. Cas wondered how much of that was his fault for not clearing things up with Gabe earlier. Maybe Dean and Gabe would have ended up the best of friends if he would have realized sooner and spoken up.
“Cas, are you okay?”
Cas could feel Dean’s eyes all over him, examining him visually for clues of distress. Cas mentally understood why he was doing, but couldn’t justify it emotionally.
“I’m fine,” he snapped. “I’m just the asshole who hurts you over and over.”
“No, you’re not. You’re my Cas.”
Cas tried to keep himself together- calm the shake, push down the ill feeling in his stomach and don’t cry.
“Why are you doing this?” Cas asked and he watched Dean pull back from him. “You shouldn’t let me move in. How do you know I won’t leave you?”
“Will you?”
Cas swallowed. “No.” It was terrifying to say it out loud, but it was true.
“Is that what you’re worried about? That all that will happen again?” Dean scooted closer and put an arm around Cas’s shoulders.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” Cas sucked in air to try to prevent tears. This was meant to be a good day and he was ruining it. He sat there breathing and Dean was calm and quiet next to him.
“I want to be the one you lean on.” Dean said after a while. “I’m good at that. Please let me do that for you.”
Cas didn’t know what to say. This was the topic they always circled around and never actually discussed. That would require him to admit how much he needed Dean and it was too much to say out loud.
“You don’t have to move in.” Dean asked. “I do want you to, but if you think we shouldn’t yet I’m totally okay-”
“No, Dean. I just… I was talking with Gabe and all the old stuff came up again.”
“Your cousin is kind of a jackass.”
Cas smiled a little and Dean tightened his hold on him.
“So did you come here to relive it all?” Dean asked it softly, but it clawed at Cas all the same. Cas pushed down all the negative that tried to spill out and chose to remember that Dean wanted good things for him. Cared for him. He really wanted to know why he was there.
“I came here to remember ice skating with you.”
When Cas looked over, Dean was grinning and a light blush covered his cheeks. He reached up and turned Cas’s face to see him more clearly. He kissed him lightly and Cas closed his eyes.
“Cas, it won’t happen again,” Dean said, his voice gone deep. “You’re doing really great with Chuck and you’re handling things really well when they come up. I know what to look for now and... anyway, besides all that- it’s you and me. We’ll figure it out together. Please don’t ever doubt that.”
Cas moved until his forehead was against Dean’s. He didn’t want to open his eyes. This felt right, alone together like this- but he knew they’d have to step out into the world every day and away from the little life they’d built together.
“I used to love this bench,” Dean said after a while.
“Until I ruined it all.”
“That was just one day.”
Cas sat up, eyes open. Dean kept his arm around him, but shifted to sit a little straighter.
“How is it just one day to you? It nearly ruined us both and we might never have gotten back together.”
Dean pulled his arm from around Cas and reached for his hands instead. Cas let him take them, and he watched as Dean wove their hands together and held tight.
“It’s one day, because it’s over. That’s not the truth for us now. You worked on your stuff and I worked on mine and we’re back together now. That was just… a bad day.”
Cas tucked his head and fended off the doubt and worry popping up around him. He pushed down the words that threatened.
“What if I’m never better than that.”
“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Cas. I’m in this for you. No matter your career or mood or whatever- I’m here for you. And I know you’ve never understood that, but just… hear me now, would you? I don’t care about if you’re better or whatever. This is you and I want you, always.”
A tear rolled off Cas’s nose and landed on their clasped hands.
“I love you, Dean Winchester,” Cas said it soft but firm, trying to keep his voice from shaking.
Dean sat up a little and squeezed his hands tighter. “Say it again?” He asked, almost a whisper.
Cas suddenly felt strong, stronger than he’d felt in a long time and he had the courage to look up and into Dean’s intense eyes before he spoke.
“I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone before. Not really, but I- I love you. I love the way we are together and the way you love me. I almost lost you once and I can’t do it again. If it wasn’t so soon I’d ask you to marry me, but-” he sucked in a big stuttering breath.
“I’d say yes, Cas.” Dean said. “If you want to ask.”
Cas’s heart thudded to a halt.
“I-I-I don’t have a ring or anything like that.”
“I do,” Dean said. “In the Impala. I’ve been thinking about it for a while.” He looked down at their hands. “I was going to ask you, but if you want to go first I won’t say no.”
Cas stared at him. His heart suddenly righted itself and he knew he had to be the one to ask. “Dean, will you marry me?” he asked before his nerves could get the better of him.
“Yes.” Dean said, and kissed him deep and intense. When he allowed a breath to pass between them he met Cas’s forehead with his own and grinned. “Say it again,” Dean whispered.
“Will you marry me?” Cas asked again with a laugh, but Dean shook his head against him and Cas slowed, serious again and this time knowing exactly what Dean needed from him.
“I love you,” Cas said, and he knew without a doubt that it was right.
AN: Hey so I always add too much dialogue in my fics so I wrote this to make up for it. I hope you like it!
Summary: Castiel wakes up with much of his memory of the last night gone. He tries to quietly and secretly recollect the happenings... and who this mysterious other is laying next to him.
Cas was dressed in Dean's AC/DC shirt with Sam's sweatpants limply and just barely hanging on to his hips. He was groggy and tired and really didn't want to get out of bed. It was warm under the blankets, he was snuggled up, too. His legs were tangled and head resting on something strong and warmer than the average pillow. His fingers were tangled in something else and then it hit him-
He wasn't alone under the pool of blankets. But, who the hell could he of slept with? Possible suitors swam through his head as he recollected who this mystery lover could be.
Angels? No. Banished from Heaven.
Demon? Wow, he is actually considering this... Oh Lord no.
Couldn't be any monster... that's a given.
Is it a human? That's a possibility... Couldn't be female, they don't have the-
The mysterious significant other stirred awake, and the fingers entangled with Castiel's were squeezed softly. The legs that were with his were shifting, too. The chest Castiel was sleeping on started to move without rhythm, the mysterious person was waking.
Who was this mysterious person? Castiel was baffled, how does one discover who they laid with?
Castiel's eyes fluttered open and the blue irises swerved around the room. There were splashed of frayed yellows and worn out greens. Some washed blues and dull reds. They were interesting, the worn out colors of the motel room.
However, the sight he saw as he swiveled his head to the left was more beautiful and magnificent than the interestingly dull colors of the room. The honey brown and creamy colors mixed with the blue hanging limply on butch shoulders Smooth shoulders but sharp cheek bones and jaw line. The defined collarbones and protruding chest muscles were staring right back at the angel. The beautiful biceps flexing and softening because they are awake, and Castiel looked up.
Oh God, was this a sight. God himself must've crafted this one with care. Every defined detail to the last chromosome To every single atom and nucleus, He molded every hair and freckle.
Slight stubble and tanning skin graced over with a sprinkle of freckles from cheek to cheek crossing over the cutest nose. Defined were these features, and the lips were plump and pink. Soft enough to grace with your own, just a peck, just a taste of their sweet lips. So smooth looking they could make silk jealous. The perfect shade of pink, like a rose.
Then there's the eyes. Oh sweet Michael the eyes.
Green like the ocean, and soft like grass. You loose your mind looking in them. They can tell you the world and *blink*... everything you just saw in them is gone. Rough around the edges but you look closer and they are smooth and comfy, you just want to live in them. You could fall asleep looking at them, and wake up with them being the first sight after dreams about them.
You see the green and instantly your mind goes to the ocean. You think about swimming and drowning in them. About the black abyss in the middle. Whether to swim in them and get caught in the monsoon. You try and get out but they keep pulling you in. Until they swallow you in to the black that is the human eye's pupil. You keep trying to swim out and go the other way. Go against the current, you tell yourself. But you stay, because they're beautiful and enticing. You keep swimming and peddling until you realize you've been awoken and pulled out of the ocean by a startling 'Cas? Dude, stop staring...' that ends with you blinking and mumbling incoherent blips.
But some look at them smooth like a leaf, or grass. You can feel them, you can touch them, with your own eyes. You communicate through one simple glance. You can read their life story through one simple glance. Some think of these green orbs as a vast enticing ocean but you, you look at them like the smooth silky irises they are. You want to reach out for them. You want to caress them, but you settle on the cheek.
At least, that's what Castiel did.
He snapped out of the eye gazing trance long enough to place his palm on the others cheek. He watched as the one across from him parts his lips showing white. Showing the white gates of Heaven themselves.
The white is interrupted with a pink tongue popping out and licking the plump rosie lips and sliding back in to the mouth.
That is what set Castiel off. He couldn't take the beauty anymore. He gently but firmly leaned in and kissed the others lips.
Beer... so that's what they taste like.
The other retaliated, kissing him back. Castiel shifted up and on top of the other, having his suitor grasp his own cheeks with his palms Castiel straddled the other with his thighs wrapping around and the other rolled over and they changed position.
Castiel's mouth was being attacked and he was taking it. Mainly because he wanted this, he wanted his mouth violated by the other. He loved the other, he's loved this other special person for a long time.
It just took him this damn long to realize it.
Casitel was underneath this significant other and was soothingly wrapping his arms around their neck. Then sliding them down to the small of the others back. Lifting the blue hem up slowly, Castiel stopped their session to breathe and flash a smile.
The other willingly rid themself of their shirt. Sliding down and hovering over Castiel's body just long enough for the angel to spring up and cease the dying need for the others lips. The suitor smiled in to the kiss knowing Castiel wants them. That Castiel loves them. And how long this person has waited for this angel to show it. This certain person couldn't of done it, they aren't really the emotional type...
Castiel started at their neck, kissing softly and nibbling a little at it. Kissing it again to the kneaded skin. Making soft pecks along the jawline, Castiel found himself lips to lips with the other.
He made sure he was looking the other straight in the eye, lust and love entwined with blue and green.
"I love you, Dean."
The other smiled so bright, the Sun itself couldn't try to compare.
"God I've been wanting you to say that." Dean attacked Cas' lips and tongues swirled and hands roamed.
