#despil?

[pathstalker]

Forgive Me

Nik-

I've seen the way those former people act. They don't have any choice when they obey. The only reason they're so fine with it all is because they don't remember what free will means any more. Sometimes they'll mill about and clown around, maybe go hunting, but if you so much as nod they'll jump. You don't understand and you might not forgive me, but I can't let you have that kind of control. 

You're my brother. You're more my brother than he ever was. You know that I don't remember his name now? I don't know what any of their names were. Maybe I didn't eat enough, but I don't think it's anywhere any more. I don't know my real name. Why can't I remember who these faces are and why don't I know my own n    (A large portion here has been scratched out, but not hard enough. The letters still indent the page. They're fairly easy to read at the right angle in just the right light.) But I remember you. Everything you've done for me, to me, with me. All the good stuff and the bad. Some of it doesn't make much sense but it's there and it will someday. And even when I'm gone, you're still the one I go looking for- because you're my brother.

So if it ever comes down to you or me, I know what you'd do because it's what I'd do to you. You'd send me away and I'd have to go. I would have to know that I let you die, if I survived. I'd have to feel you dying. Lost too much to lose anybody else. Lost myself. Isn't that enough?

I want to be able to choose. If you go, I'm going to follow you; because maybe together we'll be able to find a way out of that place. Don't make me let you go there alone. Don't say you wouldn't do it when you know you would. If you won't kill me yourself when I'm this bad, you know you'd send me away. You would even order me to stay behind when you do dangerous shit and I'd have to sit there hoping that you don't die alone, knowing I could've helped you make it out okay, just wondering every second until you come back if I'm about to feel you go.

Remember the boat? Things got rough. You weren't okay. But then we went at it together and we were fantastic. I knocked them down and you finished them off. And we weren't even trying, were we? And remember when we went underwater? They would have killed you there. They were circling like buzzards. She kept you safe. She would have devoured anyone who touched you without her permission.

Because you're my brother. Remember me? I'm not Nibbles. I can think still. Not so good sometimes but I can. I'm still here. I can still be your brother. 

And brothers are loyal. You can't be loyal if you can't choose. I can't say 'I'll never abandon you again' if I can't decide to stay.

-Despil, But really tired now, so probably Dorothy too.

[pathstalker]

Riesse II

Starsinger- No. In a word: no. Have you no heart? If my brother walks gladly to the gallows, he wants no daring rescue. He craves death. All things end; but some things, some things find a new beginning. You see the phoenix every day. That image should be burned into your heart and soul, it should be a symbol you hold closer than any other. So why don't you understand it? What is your malfunction? Everything dies. The Sin'dorei died. Your people were a rotting husk when Arthas was through, but look at them now. Ignore the festering city and the hideous scars. See a people who craft weapons that make their own devastation pale in comparison. See brilliant tacticians forged in fire. Death did more for your kind than life ever could. I wanted to spare him that. I didn't think I could bring him back if he fell. Not him, not any of them. I worried that they would be left drifting in the black like I was. It won't happen. There's one way to find them that can't fail. Nikkitah has craved an end for years now. One after another, the ones who 'love' and 'respect' him have snatched it away. Let him have it. I will find him and bring him home. The only thing that will make my brother cherish his life is to finally know the vast nothing that awaits him in death. We need to talk. There are things that shouldn't go on paper, things that you and the other girls are going to have to take care of. Meet me tonight in the Scar. It's a fitting backdrop for this conversation, don't you think? -D

[pathstalker]

Snippet

It's working. If I stay quiet enough, they'll forget I was ever here. The only ones to speak to me in days have been those girls, Sir Adrian and Hemo. I'm going to wait for the Boy to wake up before I even give my brother his gift. I doubt the Boy would ever tell his counterparts it happened. Soon.

[pathstalker]

Lazily Scrawled

I have gifts and letters waiting. Lady Starsinger sent me something; as did the 'Big Brother' who left me behind. Toys. A doll and a machine. I'm sure that I'll treasure them both in a few hours, but all I see now are gifts from strangers and ghosts. There's no message I can send that will reach either of them.

There's no way to convince Nikkitah- any incarnation of him- that I'm more than a broken toy. I wonder if he'll replace me with a newer model. Maybe he already has, and I've been looking at those womenfolk in the wrong light. It should hurt, that someone so broken would resent the cracks in my shell. I almost wish it did.

There's no way to show the 'Knight Master' his own hypocrisy. Interitus aches because his idol, his beloved brother, left him behind 'in good hands.' He hates that Nikkitah assumed his safety and cast him aside when he was no longer useful or convenient. And though I begged him to stay, not to leave me, not to run away; he did exactly that. The very thing he can't forgive.

He'll never see it that way. He sent me a 'present,' after all. This toy should absolve him of all obligation or responsibility. This token gesture surely provides all the brotherly affection he might be required to give. After all, it's not as though I were a person. I'm not even as loved or cared for as Dorothy might have been; I'm not even a dog.

I'm not anything any more.

Sir Adrian wants to care. I'm sure that if Nikkitah weren't the center of his and everyone else's world, there might be room for me too. There isn't. If I had slept anywhere else, no one would have found me. No one would have looked for days. 'Hemo' only dragged me out because his conscience would have gnawed at him otherwise. 

This is going nowhere. I'd like to write some clever line that ties it all together. Please pretend that I did.

[pathstalker]

Nikkitah I

My brother, Nik-

She told me. Not in words; dogs don't speak as men do, so there were no words. She relayed your message another way. It lacks form, but the substance is the same. I can never know what moment of clarity will be my last, so there isn't much time for subtlety and suspense. Brother; you were more my family than any breathing elf ever was.

I didn't follow you because you had something I craved. I followed because you were and are that something. I came to believe because you believed. I didn't yearn for the revival of a Scourge I'd never known. No; I fell in love with the idea- with the 'new' Scourge you and Treue would have made. A world where every being has purpose. A family so vast and all encompassing that no one would ever be alone again. When I saw the lie, I couldn't 

I'm going with you. If you command me to stay, I will not forgive this. You of all people should know better than to steal purpose from the dead. Ask Serenity how well I keep your secrets. They can't compel me to speak if you compel me to hold silent. And I would end myself before I failed my family again.

Groggy. Have to cut this short. Tell me to 'go hunting' when you want to speak. Maybe if we can catch each other just after I've drained someone dry, we'll have more time.

-D.

[pathstalker]

Brother? (A letter to Nikkitah)

Br  Nik-

  Hey. Remember me? We need to talk. Don't think it'll last so long this time. I'll try to catch you tomorrow night before we leave, okay? Maybe Saturday after we get back. That'd be best.

  Yeah. Already feel a little fuzzy around the edges. Maybe next time. Dorothy sends her love.

-D.