Everytime that I read a detransitioning story, I know that I'm trans.
Cause I don't think I am trans cause I don't fit the gender roles society is pushing on me.
I love make up (don't have patience to use, but I do love it. Same with nail polish), I love dresses, I want to get pregnant someday, the idea of being a """"housewive"""" never bothered me when I was a kid... (I dont like going out and im lazy so it was like, really ok for me till I grew a bit and noticed that I needed to work, because money is something)... I did, in fact, hated the fact that 'boys things and girls things' existed, but... Like...
I was the pinkest princess you've ever met.
I loved barbie and all those things that the world think that are feminine.
But I didn't like the fact that, because I 'was a girl', I was not accepted in the guys things. Like, why couldnt I play with them? I liked agressive things too. Okay, I'm awful at sports, but damn, let me try! etc...
I started "hating" boys then. I was not accepted and it made me so angry. Also, I have a pretty mysandric mother, so it helped. (shes abusive and I hate her, but I was really blind by love that time).
But the bad thing is... I did not feel confortable with girls that time.
They were different from me. And I never knew why. I liked the same things. We spoke the same language. But I still felt like an alien when they were talking about "girl things."
I guess I never considered the things I liked *girl things*.
I grew up more, they started talking about boys. I guess I could have considered myself lesbian back then, if I knew what a lesbian was. I felt even 'alien-er' when they were talking about boys cause I had 0 interest on them.
I, a few years latter, had my first crush on a boy. It was so intense that I was like 'OOOH, I LIKE BOYS TOO!!! I AM PART OF THE GIRLS NOW RIGHT??'
No. I was not. It just got worse. Cause I was like 'i like a boy but i still can't relate what's happening here??? why am I so strange???'. And it was really weird for me, cause we were talking about *the same things* and I still felt left out. Also, I was even angrier about not being part of the boys gang. I wanted to be part of them so hard but they never accepted me (including said boy crush) and I was so pissed!
A few years latter, I had my first female crush. Hell yeah! I am bissexual!
For the first time, I felt like I was part of something. The world was making sense. 'Yeah, boys are lovely, but ya ever heard of girls? They smell so good and are so pretty!'. I dated two girls and thought I was lesbian, then, cause I never felt sexually attracted to boys, but was totally interested in girls in this aspect (I did not know you can have different sexual/romantic options).
I never felt part of the 'lesbian community' but that was not a big issue for me back then. I was too happy with my girlfriend to care, tbh.
I broke up with her because of my horrible homophobic mother and I have a huge trauma because of this, so let's just skip to the point where I met my actual datemate.
I was dating them for a year and a half, and I just discovered the trans community. Wow. I never really thought about trans people before, cause I never had been in LGBT+ spaces before.
And I was so obsessed with them.
And the more I learned, the more I thought about things that made me feel bad. The 'alien' feeling never really left me while talking with girls. The 'i want to be part of the boys' feeling never really left me.
And I was so confused. I started thinking how the world would be better without gender - and even identified as agender, cause I would not feel left out - for whatever reason it felt like that. (friendly reminder that I am a pretty average person. I am not some 'I'm a weirdo' discourse, I was really like everybody else, but I still felt out of place)
I went on a wild journey of identities. Cause... Time was passing and I noticed that I was unconfortable with 'being a girl.' Not because being a girl was bad or was stopping me from doing anything, but because it was not me.
I felt like I was faking it. All the time. I felt like, using the alien analogy, I was trying to pass as a human with a bad costume. I felt like I was even offending girls by trying to pass as one (I couldn't write female characters back then. Cause I was like 'It's not right, it's missing something. I am not a girl I don't know how to write girls! I am doing it wrong!! Which, let me tell you, being a writer that has the exact same amout of females and males in books to keep things equal, was hell. And I'm not talking about characters that were 'extremely femme' or anything. It was like. Any girl).
And I was confused. I 'could not be a trans guy' because I liked 'female things'. Cause I didn't like sports, cause I wanted to get pregnant...
And I went to every identity trying to find something that made me feel right. Cause I could not be a boy with those traits right?
Wrong.
I am a boy.
I am a boy that likes pink, and dresses and make up (even though I'm too lazy to use it.). I am a boy that is in love with the idea of growing a life inside of him. I am a boy that does not know how to kick a fucking ball.
I am a boy.
And it was so hard to accept it. It was so hard to accept that what I was feeling related to my chest and voice was dysphoria. It's a wild journey, and I am trying to be strong.
But man, lemme tell you something... I don't feel weird anymore. I can talk to girls and be confortable. I can talk to boys and be confortable. I can write those "strong female characters" and those "innocent girls" that I wanted to.
I don't feel like I am faking anything anymore, cause I finally know who I am.
And everytime I read about someone who thought that was something and was wrong, I remember about how it was before. And how it is now. I remember how hard was to finally understand that I am this writer aspirant panssexual trans guy, with his lovely genderfluid mate.
Gender roles never made me believe I was trans. Gender roles always made me believe I was *not* trans. They do suck, and we should totally get rid of them as soon as possible so people will not go through what I've been and what the folks that detransition been through.
So yeah, I shared a lot of my experience, I am sorry for my grammar cause english is not my first language, but you go!
Your identity is yours. And the clothes you wear, the things you like, your sexuality... Should not determinate your gender. I am a boy that like things that society says that are 'girl things' and I am 100% sure I am a boy.