What am I supposed to do with those (non-existent) feelings?
Do you ever feel like, nothing? When something bad/sad happens you know you should be sad, so you display sadness, but inside you’re just like ...meh. Same happens on the opposite end of the spectrum, when you hear some good news you know you ‘should’ be happy so you display it, smiling and what not, but same as before on the inside you’re just...meh.
And the worst part is, it doesn’t just happen suddenly. Usually you’ll go through some bad time, due to school/family/etc and you’ll feel really low, depressed, like you want to lay on the floor and just scream and cry your feelings into the void, because you’re physically unable to do anything else. and over time it gets better...or so you think. Maybe things didn’t get better, but over weeks you stop feeling so depressed over everything, so you think you’re improving. At some point you’ll wake up not feeling sad anymore, so you think you’re fine, except you’re not really feeling anything else, but you don’t notice for a while.
Maybe you’ll see your friend/family member being sad or hurt and you’ll be sorry for them, but you won’t actually feel it. You don’t want to seem like an asshole, so you ignore it and keep on pretending to feel sorry for them. Same thing happens over and over, and you’ll keep on denying that you’re devoid of emotion. But at some point you start feeling this one little thing...frustration.
Maybe it’s your birthday or some special occasion and all of your friends gather, and everyone’s having a great time, and yet again, you KNOW you should be having fun, but you just don’t feel it, and that’s when it really hits you. You start feeling frustration, because you literally cannot feel anything else, and then you wonder why, and you think you’re broken and you’re tired.
And you just don’t know what to do with yourself, because despite getting the job you’ve always dreamed of, or getting a place at the uni you always dreamed of attending to, you still feel nothing.
You feel nothing, and then you feel frustrated over feeling nothing, and the cycle repeats, until you get used to it, and slowly accept this sick apathy as a part of you, and you’re not sure if anything’s wrong with you, if it’s just in your head, if it’s all made up, because sure enough you might be just fine, but it’s still nothing.
