The Ghost of Thatcher Problem Page: Devolution Promises
Dear Mags, We want to keep more of the UK's money for ourselves, and as the Scots don’t vote for us anyway, we can take it off them and no harm done. But how can we do it without looking bad? From Lord Tory Tosser-Twit, Surrey.
Dear Tosser-Twit, it’s easy:
Get the Scots to vote for anything you want to do: Agree to have a referendum on independence. The Scots will vote no because after years of being told they’re pathetic, they are actually now pathetic, and this will give you the mandate to do whatever you like with no come-back, with no worries about the Scots breaking away and taking all their oil and whisky with them. A referendum will also piss off the English voters so they’ll want revenge on the Scots.
Make sure you win: Don’t make any promises to the Scots unless you have to, and then, just make vague promises of more powers and get one of those nice media chaps to put it on a front page and make it look official. The great thing about democracy is that the voters are too lazy and stupid to look at the details (they just want their papers to tell them how to think), and if you do it at the last minute no-one will have the time to point out to them what the announcement really means. Say anything you need to, like “work on greater powers for Scotland will begin on the first day after the referendum”. You don’t have to actually do it because by then they will have voted no and handed all the power back to you and you can do whatever you like.
Stir up the English: Tell everyone in England that the Scots get more government funding than anyone else but (a) don’t tell them that it’s because it costs more to deliver services in a small, more scattered population and (b) definitely don’t tell them that Scotland produces much more tax revenue than they are getting back.
Cut Scotland’s funding: The English will be so cross that they will demand that you make the funding “fairer” and then you can cut the Scots funding and set it as the same rate per head as the rest of the UK. It doesn’t matter if the Scots don’t like it because you don’t need their votes, and they don't have a say anymore. The English will love it though, and you need to make sure you keep the English voters happy as they are your power-base. Besides, there are so few Scots it doesn’t matter how they vote.
Make it look like you’re giving Scotland something: My dear Tosser-Twit, you will particularly enjoy the next bit: Tell the Scots they can set their own tax rate. This makes it look like they are actually getting more powers than they had before. But with the funding cuts, they will only be able to survive by cutting their spending or raising income tax. Isn’t that clever? And there’s a bonus: the Scots who have any money will come and live in England because by then our tax rate will be lower, so it’s even more money for us and those miserable complaining Scotch bastards will just get poorer and poorer.
The icing on the cake: Make the Scots collect all the tax in Scotland, but still have it all returned to us before we hand back their reduced share. This means they will have to pay for this bit of administration which is another saving for Westminster.
And the best bit of all: When the Scots complain – blame the Scottish government! The Scots are so pathetic they’ll easily believe it’s their own government and not us.
Oh and Twit, if the Scots want another referendum, don’t give it to them because the result was bloody close this time round and they’ll be even more bolshy after all the cuts. You're going to be making even more money out of them so you definitely don't want them breaking away now. In the end only Westminster can say if a Scottish referendum is legal, so you’ve got those Scotch bastards by the short and curlies. Oh, I wish I was there.
(from frugalmouse; I know I said I would take a break, but I just can't seem to stop myself ... I woke up with this letter in my head and had to write it down).
