Mamihlapinatapei Heromix
Mamihlapinatapei - The look between two people in which each loves the other but is too afraid to make the first move. {AO3}
“I think the world’s ending.”
A smudge of colour stood in his doorway. Tomix blinked a couple of times until his visitor came into focus, a wide grin on her face. “That’s old news, Hero.”
“While the world’s nearly ended a couple of times,” the Hero said, “this”–she waved her hand at him in a grand, sweeping gesture that made her cape billow and exposed the smooth skin of her inner forearm–“has never happened before. I didn’t think you knew how to sleep.”
Tomix hadn’t been sleeping, but he wasn’t about to tell her that. He sat up, shaking his head in an attempt to clear it.
Her smile changed the shape of her face, inviting him to share the joke. He’d missed that wry humour, so easy to fall into when nothing else was. He wanted to know how he could make her smile like that again. Tomix looked quickly away, coughing.
“What did Riadne want?” he asked.
“We’re leaving soon. She says you need to leave any last messages while you still can.”
“Tell her that I’ve said my last goodbyes,” Tomix said.
He pushed his blankets away with the edge of one foot, looking anywhere except at the Hero, waiting for her to leave. But her footsteps neared him instead, the Hero’s face abruptly filled his vision–she had leaned in so he couldn’t possibly avoid her, and the smile had slipped into a frown. As he watched, breath caught, she reached between them.
Her hand half way to his shoulder, she sucked in a breath, and stopped.
His stomach leapt in a rush of adrenaline, even as Tomix pulled back, acutely aware of the distance between them. If she touched his shoulder, he might actually feel the warmth of her skin, might actually know– Her hand dropped back to her side.
There was a ring on her hand, Tomix noticed dizzily. The Hero wore a different ring every time she came to Ravenloss, each stronger than the last, with a weirder name. She claimed they boosted her in battle.
“Goodbyes? Woah there,” she said. “I’m sure she just meant last messages like, ‘Don’t leave the coffee maker on’, and 'I’m going to hunt you down when I get back if you steal anything’. Not last goodbyes.”
“What can I say?” Tomix said. “I wouldn’t be emotionally ready to return if they destroyed my coffee maker.”
“Very funny,” she said, but didn’t smile. Tomix had been afraid of the rushing in his head when she smiled at him, but the downturn of her lips didn’t make him feel any steadier. “Is there something you’re not telling me, Tomix?”
Tomix didn’t remember the Hero ever pushing until she absolutely had to, when the life-threatening supernatural finally demanded an explanation. He’d liked that about her, too.
The problem was, this time, it took effort not to let his thoughts pass his lips: Those really were my last goodbyes. Or, I wasn’t asleep. I was thinking of what to tell you. Or, Did you know you smile as well as you fight, which is better than anyone would expect? Or, strangely, I’m glad you didn’t leave me to face this alone, which Tomix knew wasn’t fair because he would eventually leave her.
There were a number of things he longed to say.
There were a number of things he longed for.
Tomix really hoped that his stare wasn’t expressive enough to say any of those things. From the way the Hero had caught his gaze and held it, curious, inquisitive, and intense in a way he wanted to remember for later, she saw right through him anyway. Her brows rose in faint surprise, and she blinked. Could she hear his heart pounding? It felt like it was going to shatter his ribs.
She said, slowly, “Because you know, there’s something I–”
Tomix opened his mouth, then closed it. He wasn’t sure he wanted the Hero to continue, but quite certain he didn’t want her to stop. The Hero paused, still watching him. Her lips moved, but she didn’t make a sound.
“I mean, I can pass on a message to Riadne if you’re afraid to talk with her too,” the Hero said finally. She straightened, taking a step back.
The change of subject caught Tomix off guard, like ice plunging down his back. Surely, the Hero hadn’t meant to say that?
“What–”
“I mean, I do know Alchemy,” she babbled, backing away, “but it’s nothing against spider venom, and hey I don’t figure Riadne would be the vengeful type but I should be careful anyway. I’ve passed on my message! You can tell her face to face and face her wrath instead!”
Wait. Had he told her that he and Riadne were long over? She must have known.
“Hero,” Tomix said.
But with the speed that made her a nightmare on the battlefield, she waved goodbye, and was gone.
The room seemed lonelier without her there: all dark corners and dust, with a side of regret. Tomix hadn’t brought much on this trip except the emotional baggage he never left, though sometimes, talking with the Hero, the good things mattered just as much again.
But it didn’t change anything. This would be his last trip, and it would not be hers.
Tomix stood up from the bed, turning purposely away from the open doorway.
It was probably better that she hadn’t finished her sentence after all.
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fin