This is a quote I heard here recently that really resonated with me.
As many may know, and many may not, I'm recently divorced. For many years I tried to make our toxic marriage work, desperately attempting to become a healthy power couple.
During the years I spent married, many of my minutes were filled with doubt and constant questioning.
"How could he feel that he couldn't be himself when all he did was try to erase & replace my sense of self?"
"How much longer can my heart hold on?"
"Is he conscious of his toxicity?"
"Who even is he?" "Who am I?"
"What's going to happen if he never pulls out of his dark cloud?"
After years of nothing but questions I have entered into my years of answers.
Though he was never diagnosed (because he always refused to stay in therapy), I have no doubt that my ex-spouse was a covert narcissist.
After reconnecting with society I realized the reason he had isolated me. My friends would never have remained silent about how he'd been treating me & I wouldn't have stayed with him for so long.
Whether or not he was conscious of his manipulation I'll never know, but the answer I've found is that it ultimately doesn't matter. Either way it doesn't make his behavior any less disturbing.
I did find out that he was someone who had no sense of self-identity. The deeper I looked the more I noticed the shallowness of his being.
As for who I am? Well like many of us, self-discovery is a lifetime journey. I'm excited to find out more about myself, but I have embraced the strong identity I'd had before marriage as well as some newer uncoverings. I am polyamorous, pansexual, nonbinary. I love modeling and acting; consulting and creating.
After three years of being followed around by his dark cloud constantly raining on my parade I came to accept that there was nothing I could do to change his weather. I did, however remove myself from his rainy state and my sun came out to shine once again.
These may not be the answers I wanted, but they're the answers I've gotten. They've been empowering and reassuring, despite coming very easily.
Lately I have been rejoicing in this feeling of wholeness. The doubt is gone and I now stand on a sturdy foundation of self.
I'd love to hear what your years of questions have been like and whether or not you're starting to seek your years of answers.
Please feel free to follow me along this journey as our individual paths unfold.
I hope all is well in your realm.