it feels odd to click the post button again, knowing it’s going on my dashboard and replacing my last recorded activity of a megan thee stallion reblog from october of 24’ 😭 i never really thought i would come back to tumblr, it’s always been a desire and i kept it in my thoughts .. but i didn’t think i would have the mental strength to. i guess i found it. good bye megan.
my life feels like it has changed drastically compared to the the life updates i used to write. i feel a mix of fondness, cringe, and sadness— that girl cannot fathom how tumultuous life gets and got. i stopped posting for a number of reasons, all of them negative. even though i felt extremely inspired and passionate, i felt like i lacked ability and everything i wrote, i hated immensely. i felt uncool and depressed both in the irl and online. everything is kind of blurry from that time but that’s the extremely general gist of it. i wish i didnt stop writing and posting. it’s something i regret deeply because i cant believe i let my anxiety get in the way of a hobby i held so close to my heart. but maybe i needed to to figure out who i was or something, idk. i still wish i kept in touch with more people, though.
i suppose ive changed, though by how much, im not sure how to measure that. is one able to quantify how much better of a person they’ve become when given a certain span of time? i still kinda feel exactly the same.
posting to cortisblr, has been a scary and (so far!) not so rewarding experience though i suppose i’ll keep trying. after not being on tumblr for almost two years, i feel as though i have a rusty grasp on how fandom spaces work and how to grow your account and a community.
everything ive been trying to do since coming back has felt really… for a lack of a better word .. performative (such as creating a new account! ew). tumblr is supposed to be for fun yet i treat it as an outlet to cater to others. i just really want to post, reblog, and do things that feel natural to me.
always,
alina/ yang4ever / lcvies
